Season Eulogy: The Disease of Less

SEX!

Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about the 2009-2010 New Jersey Nets season.

But first, back to sex.

"Every generation thinks they invented sex" is an old and overused expression. I think all previous generations think they invented that expression. Furthermore, why stop at sex? Every generation thinks they invented dance music, children's entertainment, and armpit farts. What does this have to do with the Nets?

These Nets did not invent losing. There have been losers before them, and losers after them. But, goddamn, they gave it their all to put a lasting imprint on how we think of losing in the future.

On a macro-level, the Nets putridity is indicative of an overall trend in American sports of the strong teams getting stronger, and the weak teams getting weaker. It has been like that in baseball for the last decade, and has recently been showing up in football - in the last couple years, there has been a 16-0 and a 0-16 team.

But, looking just at the Nets, the team was designed to fail, and executed wonderfully. They expelled all leadership when firing Lawrence Frank and bringing in Kiki. Putting Kiki at coach had the same effect on the team as starting Kiki at power forward would have. Furthermore, they amassed a healthy amount of grouchy veterans playing for contracts (Bobby Simmons, Keyon Dooling, Rafer Alston) and clueless young talent unsure of their roles on the team (Chris Douglas-Roberts, Terrence Williams). The shining achievement that future generations will study about this Nets team will be their creation of the "Disease of Less".

What is the "Disease of Less"? Well, first let me tell you about the "Disease of More". In Pat Riley's book Show Time, he described the "Disease of More" by saying "success is often the first step toward disaster." The success of his Lakers teams in the 1980s led to players demanding more - more playing time, more shots, more money, etc. This disrupted the chemistry of the team and caused them to fail.

Well, let me introduce you to the radical "Disease of Less". Failure is often the first step toward disaster. As the Nets lost more and more, everyone turned on each other. Instead of banding together and taking on a "nobody believes in us!" mentality (as the Bucks did this season, and as the Wizards did for a few weeks in February), they started to look at each other as the enemy. "That's the guy that's making me lose!" So, all the players demanded more, and started looking out only for themselves. So, in this case, less led to more. The cause was completely different, but the effect was the same.

What is also interesting about this team is that they have OWNED the losing. Unlike other failed teams, they are not blaming injuries or any other types of externalities. It seems like they have accepted the fact that they built an awful team, thus the awful performance is acceptable.

I have to commend the Nets on this. One of my pet peeves in life is when people make excuses for not succeeding. In a management class of mine, I learned about "lotus of controls". A person with an external lotus of control blames the world around them for their situation, and these people are often lacking in maturity and do not become very successful. A person with an internal lotus of control sees themselves as in control of their situation. The Nets, despite the losing, are not looking outward for scapegoats, but understand they brought this futility upon themselves. This, my friends, is the razor-thin silver lining among the shit-colored cloud.

Most importantly, Nets fans, do not internalize this season and carry it with you. It is over. It's not your fault.

TEN!

POP THAT CHAMPAGNE!



Yes, kids, that is $6 Brut California Champagne, or as I like to call it, the beer of champagnes. It the most symbolic way I could have possibly celebrated this Nets win. Don't get me wrong - every time the Nets win, it makes the day a little brighter. But, let's take a step back. That was their 10th win of the season. They are 48 games out of first place. They suck.

There are still plenty of reasons for hope. I absolutely loved the 60 Minutes interview of Prokhorov - can't wait to see him in action. And, as Nets All New points out so astutely - there will be something new each month for the next four months. But you know what will not be happening? Winning meaningful games.

Every offseason is exciting for NBA fans. New rookies, new free agents, and, in some cases, a new coaching staff. But, I'm sick of the hype, the predictions, the trade rumors, etc. And I know, at some point, I'll be contributing to this. But, this season is a sobering reminder: just give us results.

For now, I'll just sit back and watch the rest of the NBA Playoffs, and reacquaint myself with how the game is supposed to be played. If anybody cares, I'm throwing my support behind Cleveland. I know that makes me sound like a front-runner, but out of all the teams I've watched this season, the LeBrons were the most aesthetically pleasing. It was basketball the way it was meant to be, and the camaraderie reminded me of the 01-02 Nets.

As for now, congrats to the Nets who tried this season: Keyon, Devin, Courtney, Brook, Terrence, Boone, and the Hump. You all deserve a sip from the Brut. The rest get Natty Light.

Two Anniversaries!

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of Slippery When Nets! I would like to take a moment to give my thanks to all my readers. It is your comments, e-mails, and death threats that have made this blog so much fun to write. I hope it is fun for you to read! Stay strong Nets fans, hopefully the tone of this blog will change next year.

But, why I am I writing this today? Wouldn't it make more sense tomorrow? Glad I asked myself these questions! Today marks the 15th anniversary of the first Nets game I went to! My memory isn't that strong, but I do remember my early basketball trips went like this: first game was Knicks versus Jazz, then Nets versus Jazz, then Nets versus Knicks. Not sure why my parents took me to so many Jazz games, but hell, I was just pysched to be seeing live NBA action. Through the joy that is basketball-reference.com, I was able to pinpoint the exact dates: the Knicks/Jazz game was January 14, 1995, the Nets-Jazz game was March 17, 1995, and the Nets-Knicks game was April 2, 1995. Not surprisingly, the Nets lost both those games. I should have taken that as a sign to abandon ship immediately and take up following the Florida Marlins.

But, I have to say, with a deep breath and sigh, that I liked the past 15 years. They made the playoffs 7 years, won 4 division titles, and made the Finals twice. I got to watch an MVP candidate and first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in his prime. And, while there have been traumatic losses (including this season), at least there were very few playoff gut-wrenchers, as the Nets never lost a series where they had home-court advantage. Aside from the teams that have won championships (Chicago, San Antonio, the Lakers, Detroit, Miami, and Boston), I'd say the Nets' last 15 years can compare favorably to most of the other franchises.

That being said, I really hope I am saying this again in another 15 years. The future is questionable in regards to free agent signings and draft picks (there's a 75% chance of being unhappy with the result). As any sports fan should, I am bracing for the worst.

Suffering - It's Everywhere To Me

This season of Nets basketball will probably go down in history as one of humanity's most heinous crimes. As I near the end of my first year of Nets blogging, I've run out of ways to say the word "awful". So, for the rest of this rant, I'll be checking in my thesaurus. See if you can catch me! (Yes, I know this game is abominable, but bear with me. This is a ghastly season.)

As harrowing as it is watching the games, the YES Network has been implementing a new torture strategy on Nets fans. They have been rerunning the same 10 or so commercials over and over again. This would not be so abhorrent if I was watching a 30 minute sitcom, but a two and a half hour games for seven months? It becomes scaring to the psyche.

The most deplorable spot comes from my bank, Chase, and an old Michelle Branch song.



Perhaps you have seen it? I swear, this commercial airs multiple times per timeout! By the second quarter, I am aware of a couple facts:

1. Kiki cannot coach.
2. Chase is everywhere to me.
3. Yi Jianlian doesn't lift his arms to rebound.
4. When I close my eyes, it is Chase's logo I see.
5. Stay tuned for an all-new Michael Kay show!

This 30-second section of the song has been so drilled into my head. I'm convinced that the real song is just 30-seconds long. I get it. There's a lot of Chase banks. Walking around Manhattan has made me keenly aware of this fact. Using Chase's branch locator, I've found 22 Chase's within one mile of my apartment. And that isn't including the ATMs available at all the Duane Reade's!

Here is my list of songs I would use in future Chase commercials, involving the money and the "everywhere" theme. If I've missed any, please list them in the comments:

"Moneytalks" - AC/DC
"Takin' Care of Business" - Bachmann Turner-Overdrive (as long as they get to the "working overtime" part fast)
"Here, There, and Everywhere" - The Beatles
"You Never Give Me Your Money" - The Beatles
"Call Me" - Blondie
"Peace of Mind" - Boston
"Money For Nothing" - Dire Straights
"Take Me Home Tonight" - Eddie Money
"Reach Out (I'll Be There)" - The Four Tops
"Will You Be There?" - Michael Jackson
"Opportunities" - Pet Shop Boys
"Every Breath You Take" - The Police
"Right Here Waiting" - Richard Marx (this gets my vote!)

Your Nets Coaching Nightmare Scenarios

In the past couple weeks, there have been tons of rumors regarding who will take over the coaching position for the Nets next year. As I opined in the fan mail last week, the Nets have needed a REAL coach since December. With that being said, here's my run-down of the possible coaching candidates. Just to note, the college coaching candidates have all publicly denied being interested in coaching the Nets, which makes sense given they are in the middle of a season and are currently recruiting for next year. However, it should be known that all college coaches are egotistical scumbags, and nobody would be shocked if they stabbed their respective colleges in the back. At the end of each candidate, I'll put a rating, indicating how satisfied I'd be with this coach taking over the Nets.

Mike Krzyzewski

Duke's Coach K has been referred to as the Nets' number one choice. Mikhail Prokhorov wants to make a splash, and luring away college's "top prize" would do so. He also has the respect of many of 2010's top free agents due to coaching the United States basketball team in 2008.

However, I don't trust college coaches in general. Aside from Larry Brown, no college coach has had any significant NBA success. The game is completely different. Furthermore, Coach K's alumni haven't done much either, as only one Dukie has an NBA championship ring (Danny Ferry, as a 13th man on the Spurs). Plus, he's a Dukie! I don't follow college sports that much, but I do know one thing: Duke sucks!

Approval Rating: 6/10

Rick Pitino/John Calipari

Both these guys are cut from the same cloth in my mind. Like Coach K, they are highly coveted college coaches. Unlike Coach K, both these guys have proven that they are NBA failures. Pitino has failed miserably in both New York and Boston, but he does say success is a choice. Maybe failure is too, and the third time will be the charm.

I'd stomach Pitino over Calipari, my sworn enemy. Calipari already tortured Nets fans in the past. He constantly brings up in interviews how he would have drafted Kobe Bryant. It is such a revisionist look at history. Let me just say this, Coach Cal: Kobe would not have stayed long in New Jersey. He didn't become mega-Kobe until year 5, and by then I'm sure he would have bolted via free agency (ala Tracy McGrady). Furthermore, by saying this, you are inadvertently throwing Kerry Kittles under a Greyhound. Kittles was a soldier for your Nets teams and holds a special place in Nets fans' hearts. So quit your complaining. At least Nets fans don't need to wonder where Chris Douglas-Roberts got his bad attitude from.

And just to wrap this up: Rick Pitino paid for his mistress to have an abortion. John Calipari has gotten two college programs suspended. I'll pass.

Approval Rating: Pitino 4/10, Calipari 2/10

Byron Scott

Since Calipari is being brought back up, why not Byron Scott? Now, if you've followed my blog, you will notice I take occasional pot shots at Lord Byron. And that is because I hate him. He never watched game tape. He never made in-game adjustments. He was notorious for taking naps before games.

But he did one thing very well: he delegated responsibility. The Nets' coaching staff from 2001-2003 was stacked in assistant coaches, as Eddie Jordan and Lawrence Frank went on to have notable careers. Byron let Jordan run the offense and Frank run the defense. And it worked! I always thought Frank's assistants were never this strong, and his refusal to delegate is what eventually made the Nets lose.

Is delegating responsibility enough to rehire Byron? No. Then why bring him up? Well, the man is EXTREMELY LUCKY! Seriously, his career has been boosted by falling ass-backwards into playing with and coaching three of the greatest points guard spanning three decades - Magic Johnson (as a player), Jason Kidd, and Chris Paul (as a coach). With Byron on board, I have no doubt the Nets would end up with John Wall.

Approval Rating: 3/10

Jeff Van Gundy

Van Gundy has been cracking wise on ABC for a while that it is tough to remember that this guy was once a highly respected coach. He has a .575 winning percentage, and has been to an NBA Finals (in the awful 1999 season, but still). However, I get the feeling that Van Gundy would be better off with a more veteran team, as it is tough to recall the youngsters that Van Gundy has turned into superstars. I do like him, and I think he will succeed as an NBA coach in the future. But I'm not quite sure he will fit entirely with the Nets.

Approval Rating: 7/10

Avery Johnson

Yes! This is my man! Everybody I talk to seems to have a negative opinion of this guy, and I'm not entirely sure why. In just 3 full seasons, he has a .735 winning percentage and made the NBA Finals once. He has the reputation of being high strung, very honest, and very demanding. Which is exactly what this team needs! There has been too much immaturity, selfishness, and backstabbing in the Nets organization. The Nets need someone to go in there and crack heads. I believe Avery can be this guy.

Approval Rating: 8/10

Kiki Vandeweghe, Year 2

NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Approval Rating: -45/10

Random Tangents - New Name For Nets

As the Nets prepare to move to Brooklyn sometime in the near or far distant future, there has been some speculation that they might change their nickname. While many have assumed that they will just be called the "Brooklyn Nets", I see this as the perfect opportunity for the team to exorcise itself from the past demons associated with that name.

First of all, the name "Nets" has to be one of the worst in sports. They are named after a piece of equipment used to play the game! It is like naming a football team "The Pylons". I prefer team names that are intimidating, like the Bulls or the Warriors. Or, failing that, name the team after a geographical feature of the region, such as the Pistons, named after Detroit's auto industry. I do enjoy those types of names even if the team moves - such as what happened with the Lakers, Grizzlies, and Jazz. So, let's immediately scrap the Nets.

The Nets used to be called the Americans in their early days, but given the proliferation of foreign players (and in the Nets' case, their owner), this seems stupid. In a podcast, Bill Simmons suggested going back to the Dodgers, but that will inevitably cause confusion when talking. It is tough enough when people think you are a Mets fan, but now you have to differentiate between another team that has the EXACT same name as your team.

I have three thoughts on the matter of the team name, all going in different directions. First, perhaps the Nets should name try to appeal to the major opponents of the Brooklyn move - hipsters. Freddy's Bar in Brooklyn is spear-heading a movement to keep my team out of town and without a new home. So, I suggest they give the Nets a new, hipper, ironic name. How about: Baseball Team. The Brooklyn Baseball Team. To keep the ironic theme going, this could be the logo:



My next idea is dedicated to our savior Mikhail Prokhorov. How about: The Red Scare? First of all, Proky would definitely approve this. Also, the team can embrace the theme, inviting numerous Russian celebrities to sit courtside. I love it because it would easily be the most intimidating team name in American sports. Seriously, are you more afraid of Knickerbockers or the FUCKIN' RED SCARE? Plus, all those stinking hipsters are liberal commies anyway, so I'm sure they'd embrace the proletariat teachings of their new team. My biggest concern would be the Barclay's endorsement deals.

The final suggestion is my personal favorite. I read this on a message board a while ago, and would love to know who came up with the idea. It is: The Brooklyn Knights. First, it is a delicious play on the term for a Brooklyn-born person, a Brooklynite. Also, it is an intimidating name that is easily associated with identifiable images for logos and mascots. My biggest concern is that the name is "regal", which has not led to much success in professional sports - see the L.A. Kings, Sacramento Kings, Kansas City Royals, etc.

So, those are just my humble suggestions. Let me know yours in the comments!

Reader E-mails - Yup, that's pretty much the gist of it...

The other day, I received this e-mail from a SWN reader named Ken. Ken shares a few things that I believe all of us are thinking (I've edited for spelling). To share your thoughts on the season, please e-mail slipperywhennets at gmail. Thanks, and I appreicate the support!

Hi there,

I found your page a few weeks ago, people who still follow the Nets seems to be few and far between. I am a long suffering fan - since Dr. J and the ABA days. We make a yearly trek to a game - was just in Detroit and watch the Nets lose another game and darn near kill each other with that collision!

I have been very disappointed in Harris's play this year and made it a point to focus on him the whole first period. I was amazed at what I saw!

I for one would have a heart to heart talk with him and decide if he takes the floor again!

His play was...well, in a word...useless.

Not ONCE in the first period did he make any attempt to score. Not a shot, not a single pick and roll...fact is, I do not believe he once dribbled in the paint.

He would get the inbound pass, dribble over mid-court, pass the ball, and slide off the the side. Then, he'd stand there. On occasion, he might run down low and back up, but did nothing. He was subbed for Dooling, who, in a matter of minutes, was driving the lane, passed off, and got two easy baskets.

At the end of the game, he still got 20, but he could have had twice that. Every time he did drive in and pull up, he scored. They lose by 7...awful.

They look so lifeless for most of the game. Yi should be getting a handful of minutes. The number of rebounds he loses because he doesn't get his hands on it is also awful.

They are playing like stiffs. There they were with a lead late int he game, and then manage to miss 9 out of the next 11 shots, with almost none of them being drives to the basket (which is how they got back into it.

The only good news is a great draft pick, but as we all know, they will manage to lose out on that also!

Keep up the blogging!


Ken
Rochester, NY

There's a lot of truth to what Ken says. Now, the excuse you will hear for Devin Harris is that he is playing injured. This may be true, but every NBA player is playing slightly injured. But, there's two names left out of this scathing e-mail - Rod Thorn and Kiki. The team DOES NOT HAVE A COACH. I know there is a power struggle between these two bozos, but we are paying fans GODDAMMIT! We deserve a complete team, with a real coach, as soon as YESTERDAY.

I completely feel for you, Ken. I haven't been watching YES, attending less games, and even staying away from other Nets blogs during this season. Making one pilgrimage to a game this season must be painful. I've fortunately had good luck attending the games so far (if you can call 2-5 good luck).

And, sadly, I agree with you about that draft pick. I'm banking on #4 as well.

The Fantastic Four!

So far this season, the Nets have only managed to scrape together four wins in 45 games. They are on pace to be the worst team in NBA history. This is old news, however. Because, the real story is...

This is the most memorable season in Nets history.

You read that correctly. This is the most memorable season in Nets history. Because, in the long term, you will remember EVERY time the Nets won this season. Your memories will blur all the losses together, but each win will be truly special. Do you think fans of the 96 Bulls remember all 72 wins? Of course not! In fact, those 10 losses probably provide the fuel in the memory fire. Let me recap the Nets four wins to date, and how each memory was special.

Mr. Fantastic



December 4, 2009 - Nets 97, Bobcats 91

The opening of the Nets season began with a losing streak that stretched forever - just like Mr. Fantastic. It claimed the health of several players and the job status of Lawrence Frank. But, thankfully, one cold December night, the stars aligned. I had bought a bottle of champagne the night before, ready to pop it when/if the Nets would get their first win. I watched this game in my girlfriend's new apartment with her and her mom (who had helped her move in). The win was pretty ugly, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time - wondering how the Nets would blow it until there was 0.00 left on the clock. Once the win was secured, we all enjoyed some of the cheapest Cristalino around.

The Thing



December 8, 2009 - Nets 103, Bulls 101

Boy, this game was pretty ugly. I forget where I was earlier in the night, but I remember checking the scores on my cell phone as I walked home. By the time I got home, I was able to watch the last two minutes as the Nets gained leads, blew them, got the lead back, blew it, but then eventually won. Only Alicia Masters would want to watch this game again.

Human Torch



December 30, 2009 - Nets 104, Knicks 95

Nets just came out and torched the Knicks this game. Really, I did not see this victory coming at all. But, what made this more special - it was one of the few games I actually went to! At half-time, my ticket rep surprised me by moving me up to courtside!



Nice picture, huh? A courtside seat is unlike any other seat in sports; it is a completely unique viewing situation. Anyway, this was the first win I saw in person this season (0-3 before). But, fortunately, it was not my last...

Invisible Woman



January 27, 2010 - Nets 103, Clippers 87

Well, this is another game I went to courtside. This time, however, I purchased the tickets in advance. This game was a gift to my mom for Christmas. I bought the tickets right after the Bobcats win, and have prayed for the last two months that the Nets would win this particular game. My prayers were answered! (I have to say, in between my courtside sitting appearances, I went to two other games. Sadly, I can't go back. Courtside is too nice. I've tasted the high-life, and it is tough watching games amongst the commoners again. And yes, I am a tremendous douche. But the Nets are 2-0 when I sit courtside, so maybe I am good luck!)

Well, the Nets' backcourt was invisible this game, as both Courtney Lee and Devin Harris were injured. I immediately wrote off our chances of winning. Fortunately, Baron Davis and Marcus Camby also pulled out their invisibility cloaks, and the Nets soared to a win behind Keyon Dooling and The Hump (my new favorite Net).

And there you have it, the Fantastic Four. These memories will last throughout our lifetime. Memories of game winning shots by Damien Wilkens, Dwyane Wade, and Earl Boykins will fade, as will the numerous blowouts and....

Ah...who am I kidding? Somebody, help us! We don't have a coach! The players hate each other! The management hates the fans! Help us, Obi Wan-Prohorov! You're our only hope!

Good Grief

Something has to be said when your team goes 0-4 versus the second and third worst teams in the league. Unfortunately, I've run out of ways to say "WE SUCK!", so take it away Charles Schultz:

Oh, We're Half Way There

The Nets are half-way through this "season", which is destined to go down as one of mankind's most heinous crimes. In New Jersey fashion, I'll organize this week's rant in Livin' On A Prayer fashion. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm sure there will be some tears shed by the end...

Once upon a time, not so long ago...

The Nets were winning Atlantic Division and Eastern Conference titles. Just trying to remember the good times. OK, now back to reality...

It's tough...so tough.

Without exaggeration, this is the most infuriating time I have had as a sports fan. First and foremost, as a sports fan, you demand your team to show effort. Acting like you give a crap is the largest chunk of the battle in winning over sports fans, moreso than winning. It is why Raptors fans hate Vince, even though he brought that team more success than any player. Since Kiki took over from Lawrence Frank, these players have all checked out. I am convinced that nobody on the team is friends, either.

The whole organization is toxic, and needs to be blown apart. Nets fans have debated whether Devin Harris or Brook Lopez should be "untouchable" - I'm sorry. This is the worst team in the history of sports - there are no untouchable players. Refresh yourself with the 72-73 Sixers - see any untouchables on that roster? The only Hall-of-Famer was an ancient Hal Greer, who played half the season and then retired.

I blame this lack of effort solely on Kiki's shoulders. Frank's 0-16 team would trounce this current incarnation. I have found myself sometimes wishing physical harm on Kiki, but talk myself out of it. I want him fired immediately, but want him to get hired by another moronic organization that he can destroy. The Nets need to compete against 29 teams every year for a championship - with Kiki running one, that number goes down to 28.

We've got to hold on to what we've got, 'cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not

I'm afraid the Nets will make a panic trade, and bring in a player who will destroy their cap space and cost them several draft picks. As mentioned before, the Nets need a complete make-over, not a touch-up. Ten draft picks in the next three years and $30M in cap space can do that, Caron Butler or Andrei Kirilenko cannot.

LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!

That's all the Nets fans can hope for: the power of prayer getting them those seven more wins to avoid the worst record ever, or getting the number one pick in the draft. Teams don't luck into wins, they have to be earned. This team WILL NOT EARN THEM. I have been saying this since November 19th, 2009. Will any free agents want to join this circus? That remains to be seen.

Bottom line: I'm angry, and, if you are reading this, so are you. The frustrating thing is: nobody cares. Nobody is talking about how Kiki is stealing money from the organization. It is utterly hopeless. I bet you feel like running away, and you are crying in the night.

Baby - it's OK. Someday.