Thursday, January 7, 2010

Random Nets Crap - Mardi Gras Beads!

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!


Since the Nets are currently heading to New Orleans, I figure I'd bust out a recent addition to my ever-growing collection of Nets paraphernalia: Mardi Gras beads! These were acquired on a trip to New Orleans during Thanksgiving Break 2009, so like I said, no dust on this gem.

This trip was the first time I've ever been to New Orleans. Sure, the food was good, the people were friendly, and touring the French Quarter, Garden District, and Warehouse District was lovely. But the main thing I thought during the trip was, "God damn, this would be a kick-ass place to be homeless!"

Now, I'm not trying to make light of the situation faced by many unfortunate people during Hurricane Katrina, nor mock those with mental disabilities who often find themselves in homeless situations. I am speaking, of course, of the "lovable scamp" brand of homeless man. You know, the kind of bum who hops trains, carries his belongings in a handkerchief tied to a stick, and steals pies from windowsills.

You see, I never take anything I have for granted, such as my job and my home. I know that bad luck can strike anyone at any time, and I like to prepare myself for terrible situations. It is always one of my life-long dreams to help people escape from an airplane, as well. Trust me, while others zone out as flight attendants explain how to buckle your seatbelt, I am carefully studying how to open the escape hatch and where the nearest exits are (It's behind me? Sneaky!). You bet your ass I'll be putting on my oxygen mask first before assisting others. This kind of "prepare for anything" attitude is also why I like when gay guys hit on me. Now, I'm NOT gay, but in the instance I wake up one day and CHOOSE to be gay, I like to know that I'll have someone interested in me.

Back to the homelessness: Should I find myself having to ride the rails, I like to know where I'm going to be headed to. There are definitely two cities to avoid:

Boston: This should be obvious. The subway system is terrible. The weather is awful. The city is full of drunk college kids who will set your gristly beard on fire for kicks. Plus, the sports teams suck!

Nutley, New Jersey: My hometown. Basically, this is just too boring. Everything will be closed by 10PM. There's not a lot of fun to be had when you have money here.

So that's that. Now, the place where I currently live, New York City, is an interesting subject. It is pretty much a middle ground when it comes to homelessness. It suffers the weather problem that Boston does, but the subways are much better for being mobile and staying warm/cold. Everybody complains that it is expensive, but food is practically free if you know where to look. The biggest thing with being homeless in New York is this: how bad are you willing to smell? First of all, everybody in New York smells a little awful. There's no helping it: you cram that many people into confined spaces, and things are going to get rank pretty fast. As a homeless guy, you'll run into this problem almost immediately. But, to be a successful bum, you'll need to dumpster dive. If you don't mind the smell, dumpster diving in New York will lead you to a bevy of riches, and you'll probably end up living a better style than people with homes in Boston and Nutley. So if you do find yourself homeless and stuck in New York, I'd suggest destroying your sense of smell with a bottle rocket ala Selma Bouvier.

Now onto my two favorite cities:

New Orleans: This is my second favorite city to be homeless. First, you can pretty much be drunk all the time. Drinks are allowed on Bourbon Street, and many times a drunken tourist will leave a cup along the street. Pounce on these, and you can waste your days away rather than look for a job. Drinking in public is a HUGE advantage over most cities. Also, you are by the water, have access to good food, and will come in contact with a slew of tourists each day. The town is known for chicanery by the locals, so you could probably learn a few scams along the way. A casino nearby is a definite negative, though. Also, the weather is helter-skelter, which could be awful. These two downsides are why it only places second to...

San Diego: I haven't been here in a while, but from what I recall and through collaboration with others: this place is sunny and 70 degrees all year. It is by the water, which is indispensable for a vagabond like yourself: you can either fish for food, or hop a boat for adventures in the Orient. It is also near Mexico, which is good for escape from the federalis. It may not have the plentiful booze of New Orleans, but it does have Comic-Con once a year. For four days, women will see you as one of the non-weirdos.

Anyway, back to the beads. The tourist shops in New Orleans sell all kind of beads you could imagine. And, after flashing my boobs, these Nets beads were all mine! I also bought Spider-Man duck beads.

I have no idea why they painted rubber ducks to look like Spider-Man. I must have missed that issue. You could also buy beads with the logos of every major sports team. The Nets were one of the tougher ones to find, probably because everybody was buying them for their loved ones for Christmas. It is nice to see the dark blue is still part of the color scheme on the beads, as it has all but vanished from the Nets' uniforms.

So with all that said, I think the key to the game tomorrow is if Devin Harris can neutralize Chris Paul. Also, rebounding and points from the bench will be key. My prediction: 108-93, Hornets.

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