Monday, September 28, 2009

The Russians Have Landed

Last Wednesday, the Nets were purchased by Russian billionaire and nickel-king Mikhail Prokhorov. Since then, two things have happened: I have learned to spell his name correctly without looking it up, and I have organized my thoughts on the matter by famous Simpsons quotes!

1. "I reluctantly accept your proposal." "Well everyone always does. Buy him out boys!"

I hope smashing Bruce Ratner's office is Prokhorov's first order of business. Now that the Rat "error" has come to a close, I think Nets fans are all in agreement when I say: hit the road, fuckface.

Seriously, the one thing this guy had to do was move the team eight miles and build a new stadium. And what did he accomplish? No ground was broken. None. However, that didn't stop him from running out of money and causing the team to go from perennial contender to a lottery team due to having no budget. Not only did he bring nothing to the table, he took off all the food and silverware from the table, then burned the table to the ground and pee-peed on the ashes. ASS. HOLE.

Now, I know the Rat isn't completely gone, but he's only got a 20% stake in the Nets at the moment, so he's almost out the door.

2. "Oh I get it! I get jokes!"

Hey, did you hear that the Nets' new owner is Russian? Boy, I don't know how comedy will ever been derived from that fact....Wait, people have found clever ways to make puns about having a Russian owner?

Yes, it has been less than a week, and I'm already getting sick of these poor attempts at humor. Granted, I make many awful jokes, but at least mine make you groan on a variety of topics. Now, Nets (or should I say, Nyets!) fans must prepare themselves for Soviet-based puns. If the Nets are moving at a slow pace, expect the color commentators to say they are Stalin. But, when the pace picks up, now the Nets are Russian. You'll be laughing so hard, you'll miss the game action by wiping the tears out of your eyes.

Ooh, I got one! In Soviet Russia, annoying jokes get sick of you! Get it?

3. "We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which we will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer....That is all."

Rod Thorn and Lawrence Frank are in the last years of their contracts, and, while I have no information to base this on, I have a hunch that neither one will be back. Personally, I think both have done a fine job building this team - they have young talent and plenty of cap space, so it will be a shame if they are both gone without having a chance to finish the mini-rebuilding process they embarked on in the last two seasons. But, my guess is as good as yours, so I won't delve much into who might replace them or the ramifications of losing them. I'd just be pulling that out of my ass.

4. "Well he's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy." "What's that?" "....A dinosaur."

If you read the reactions of Nets fans on the Internets (and yes, there are more of them than just me), the general reaction is positive. To sum up the general viewpoint - a rich owner means more money to lure quality free agents, which means more wins. Well, the two other richest owners are Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks and Paul Allen of the Portland Trailblazers. Do you see any rings on their fingers? How about James Dolan? In the NBA, having money does help, but it does not guarantee success. Also, there will be a huge learning curve for Prokhorov as he adjusts from managing Russian teams to American ones.

So, pencil me in as cautiously cautious. I know I ripped into Ratner, but truth be told, it still could be a lot worse than him (see Sterling, Donald). That's all I've got on this owner for now, and I'm sure I will write about him more times in the coming months. But as for now, I have to go learn the Russian curse words. Idi na xuy husesos!

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