Slippery When Nets

Did Anybody Catch That Game?

2011-06-03T23:42:00.002-04:00

I know I usually just write Nets-centric articles, but this Dallas-Miami series has really captured my attention. Honestly, I think these two teams are the two most talented Finals teams since the 1997 Bulls-Jazz series. But one moment in game 2 really caught my attention, so I had to do a mini-rant. Read about it on Rainman Suite by clicking here!

Playoff Predictions

2011-04-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

I gave Keith Stone my $0.02 for the first round, and it is available here. Please enjoy my sincere praise of the Knicks.

If anyone is wondering, I'm still sticking with the prediction I made in October on the Brad Bogner show - Miami over the Lakers in seven games, with Mike Miller hitting the series winning shot.

Shove It Up Your Knickhole

2011-04-07T21:59:00.002-04:00

In time for the last (and most meaningless) Nets-Knicks game of the season, I go on a 600+ word rant finally laying out everything I hate about the Knicks. Needless to say, it was quite cathartic.

Click here to read "Shove It Up Your Knickhole".

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Deconstructing the Nets Myths

2011-01-06T22:41:00.004-05:00

I wouldn't call myself a pessimist or an optimist, but rather a realist. Although, can anyone truly call themselves a pessimist or an optimist anyway, since by doing so you are acknowledging that there is good/bad in the world that you are just not talking about? Anyway, I digress...

I think there is too much pessimism in Nets fans nowadays, and I break down three common complaints I've heard recently on the Whoop-De-Damn-Do blog. Check it out here.

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Your Two and Five (Six?) New Jersey Nets

2010-11-10T20:05:00.002-05:00

So, as my blog posts can completely control the events of basketball games, it is clear I jinxed the Nets with my post last week. I could either hate myself, but instead I turned my rage outward to this damned team. Read all about it here.

Sigh.

SIGH.

Your Undefeated New Jersey Nets

2010-10-30T13:00:00.001-04:00

Well, I've been to two games this season, and have lost several years off my life. But, for the first time since 2002, and only the sixth time in franchise history, the Nets are 2-0. It is also the first time since 1968 that a team has started 2-0 after having less than 20 wins the year before. So pop the bubbly! Just thought I'd share some thoughts:

I still love this new arena. As mentioned in my last post, the crowd really gets into these games like I haven't seen before. Granted, these were two of the more exciting games of the past few years, but there is a palpable difference between Newark and East Rutherford. I felt the opening game had a better crowd, but the surprising number of Kings fans at Friday's game led to some entertaining back-and-forth.

Sidenote: Maybe it is just me, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Sacramento Kings. They are like the Nets West: they sucked for a while, then randomly became contenders in the early part of the decade, then have been stuck in a strange rebuilding quagmire. Stay strong, Sacramento.

Haterade: With Bobby Simmons gone, I had to pick a new least favorite Nets. Congrats to Travis Outlaw! Sure, he had one bad game and one good game, but that contract is still indefensible. He's a sixth man at best, and you shouldn't sign bench players to five-year deals. Other players may suck, but they won't be sucking for $7M.

Sidenote: I watched a bit of the Wizards-Magic game on Thursday. How pleasant is it to watch Yi Jianlian suck for another team? There was a moment in the third quarter where the Wizards had a fast break, and it kicked out to Yi running straight down the middle. My roommate was in the bathroom when this happened. When he came out, I described it to him and asked him what he thought the result was. He said, "Blocked by Jameer Nelson." He was close: Yi was blocked by JJ Redick.

It is nice to celebrate, but I still don't see this team making the playoffs. My prediction before the season was 29 wins, and it included winning these two games. However, it is very nice to just be a bad team again, rather than a historically bad team.

Final notes: I was on the Brad Bogner show recently, and got all my NBA predictions recorded for the Internet to hear. Check it out here. I will also be doing stand-up comedy at New York Comedy Club Friday, November 12th at 10PM. If you are interested in attending, leave a note in the comments or e-mail me.

Preseason Unhype: My First Game Back

2010-10-08T18:00:00.006-04:00

I've had basketball fever since August. Unfortunately, as you can tell by my lack of updates, there hasn't been anything that has really got my juices flowing. Sure, Rod Thorn left, Troy Murphy arrived, and Carmelo did a little of both, but nothing got my fired up. So, yesterday, I embarked on my first trip to the Prudential Center to see the Nets hoop it up.

They are the view from my seats. This is the 16th year that my family have purchased some type of season ticket plan (usually a 10 game package or half-season tickets), and this is the closest we have sat. It is perfect "storming the court if there is a big fight" distance. Needless to say, I am pumped to sit here this year.

Everyone has praised the Prudential Center as a huge improvement over the Izod Center, and usually hit the same points - nicer seating, better food, easier to get to, etc. However, the thing I noticed and loved was the types of fans that came to this game. Now, I'm crossing my fingers and hope I don't jinx it when I write this - but the Nets might have a good crowd. Moving to Newark, a large city with easy public access, allows for a younger, "hipper" demographic to come. The Izod Center played to more of the family type atmosphere. But the people I sat around knew basketball and followed the game closely, cheering the Nets and heckling the Celtics. The crowd was sparse, but pretty solid for a Thursday night preseason game. The moment that stood out to me was during the fourth quarter, when Derrick Favors got called for a questionable moving screen call, and the crowd rained down upon the refs with deafening boos. It was the loudest I've heard the crowd in years for something that didn't involve throwing free t-shirts. So, that's my optimism.

However, I am very pessimistic about the Nets' chances this season. Usually, I try to hope that with some lucky breaks, they can will themselves to 40-ish wins and an improbable playoff run. This year, I hold out no such hopes. I do not dislike any player in particular, it just seems that, chemistry-wise and experience-wise, the personnel is clearly a year away. As obvious as this sounds, they clearly look like a team that was just put together this month. So, 25 wins is exactly what I am expecting, and am telling all my loyal readers to brace for the rough times.

My final plea is to be gentle on Derrick Favors. As a #3 pick and the potential Carmelo trade hanging over him, expectations will be high. But, he is a 19-year-old kid (the youngest Net ever) trying to play the toughest position in the NBA. Please don't give up on him before Thanksgiving. Clearly, after Christmas, he is fair game.

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Summer of Meh

2010-08-02T23:00:00.004-04:00

Why didn't I write anything this summer? Well, despite all the hoopla around the NBA, the Nets' offseason was basically a sedative. For the full details of this snooze-fest, check out my article on WhoopDeDamnDo.com.

Also, I've been busy this summer with my stand-up comedy. Please become a fan on Facebook to keep up-to-date on the places I will be appearing next.

I've also made two great appearance on the Brad Bogner Show, talking basketball on episode 40 and talking television and comics on episode 44. Get involved!

Thanks for your continued support!

Whoop-De-Damn-Do Post: Solid As A Rock

2010-06-25T18:53:00.004-04:00

As in with my past adventures, I've chronicled my draft night trip to The Rock for WhoopDeDamnDo.com. Click the link, I'm sure you will not be disappointed!

Also, I have a show at the New York Comedy Club on 24th and 2nd, Friday, July 16th, at 10PM. Let me know if you are interested in coming!

Whoop-De-Damn-Do Post: Rivalry Weak

2010-06-05T13:00:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, I'll be contributing from time-to-time at Whoop De Damn Do, a new Nets blog. I will still be making updates to Slippery When Nets, too. Make sure to check out my latest entry: Rivalry Weak, which documents the Nets best rivalries. Here's a small preview:

"The greatest NBA rivalry is underway. Yawn. Didn’t we just see this two years ago? Bird-Magic-Chamberlain-Russell-Scalabrine-Morrison blah blah blah.

The Nets franchise has never been successful enough to create what could be called a classic rivalry. However, there have been significant flare-ups with other franchises through-out the year. Let’s examine the Nets top five rilvaries!"

Just an update on my stand-up comedy, I will be performing:

6/9 - Broadway Comedy Club, 53rd & 8th, 8PM, $10 + 2 drinks
6/18 - New York Comedy Club, 24th & 2nd, 10PM, $10 + 2 drinks
6/22 - Caroline's, 49th & Broadway, 7PM, $5 + 2 drinks (need to call 212-757-4100 to reserve tickets)

I'd love to see you guys there. You can e-mail me or leave a comment if you need more info. Thanks for your continued support!

Danny Thoughts - Draft Prospects 2010

2010-06-02T20:00:00.001-04:00

This is my friend Danny. Danny has many thoughts. They will be presented here in this segment called simply....Danny Thoughts.

So now that people have stepped back from the ledge after finding out that our beloved Nets were getting the third pick in this year’s draft, the offseason can REALLY start rolling. And there’s no better Nets fan to take you through it than yours truly, me.

If you think you’ve heard it all, hold on to your seats because here are some loony ideas coming your way.

With the third pick of the 2010 NBA Draft… The New Jersey (Brooklyn, Russian, Siberian) Nets select….

Derrick Favors

Pros: He is crazy, stupid athletic. As you can see from the Youtube clip, yes…he went between the legs STANDING STILL. He has a 7’4” wingspan and is 6’10” with shoes on (but who plays basketball without shoes on?).

I’m a big UNC fan and I’ve seen this kid play on TV. He can FINISH and catch the damn ball, something a current “power forward” on the Nets cannot do. He’s terrific around the basket and is STRONG. He has an NBA ready body. He also runs up and down the floor like a gazelle (not a deer), is a fantastic rebounder (offensive and defensive rebounds) and from what draft pundits have said, he’s a great kid that’s willing to learn. Definitely someone you want to build your team with (not around, however).

He plays good with the potential to be great defense, especially in the post, moves his feet, blocks or alters a lot of shots, and was the number one rated HS player going into college (yes, over Wall and Cousins). Think about it this way: he’s similar to Blake Griffin but way younger, compliments Brook Lopez pretty well, and has been compared to Al Horford, Josh Smith (without the stupid threes), Antonio McDyess IN HIS PRIME, and Chris Wilcox (unfortunately). I like the kid! He makes our decisions way easier in that we won’t have to max out a good power forward (see David Lee, Carlos Boozer, Amare Stoudemire) as opposed to a superstar player (see ONLY Lebron and Wade).

Cons: Doesn’t shoot that well and isn’t the best free throw shooter. He has some offensive moves but isn’t someone I would compare to Pau Gasol (or even Marc Gasol). I’m also not sure he can really create for himself at all, he’ll have to be set up, BUT isn’t that what it’s always like with pure athletes that we call basketball players? Also remember he was on Georgia Tech, which didn’t have the best group of basketball players surrounding him. This could mean he’s a softy for going with the sentimental choice of going to Georgia Tech (he’s from Georgia) or that he has poor decision making skills.

Evan Turner

OK, I understand. The Sixers would be crazy for not taking Turner with the 2nd pick. But I don’t think it’s as clear cut as everyone thinks because they’re lineup currently looks like this: Lou Williams, Andre Iguodala, Thaddeus Young, Elton Brand, and Samuel Dalembert. Now… what happens if you replace Elton Brand with a talented big man that can play the Center/Forward position, such as, oh I don’t know, maybe a DeMarcus Cousins?! Think about it, it’s not THAT far fetched. But I digress, here’s my analysis.

Pros: Boy, this guy is so smooth it’s crazy. His game looks so much like Brandon Roy’s that they’re practically clones. Turner can handle, shoot, pass, and rebound. He’s tall for his position and moves real well. Sure, he had the two broken vertebrae, but he was back in two weeks after the surgery! Now THAT’S tough. You ever have two broken vertebrae? Didn’t think so. He’s a leader and he likes to take (and make) clutch shots. He’s got a great floor presence and is a little older, supposedly more mature. He’s a good defender as well and is a player you could fit many types of players around. As a Nets fan, I’d consider trading Devin if we got Turner. Play Turner at the 1! That’s what he did at OSU!

Cons: He’s not extremely athletic. His game, as much as it screams Brandon Roy, also screams Danny Granger in that he knows how to get it done, just not in a flashy way and he needs the ball a lot. Sure, he’s long, but will he be able to guard the superstars at his positions (Kobe, Wade, Granger, Lebron, Durant, Melo, Roy)? That means he’s not a superstar, only an all-star. It also means he’s on par with the Derrick Favors, DeMarcus Cousins, and Wesley Johnsons of the world.

DeMarcus Cousins

Pros: Jebus, this kid is huge. I mean, he is a LARGE INDIVIDUAL with an NBA ready body. Long arms, legit height, big body. On top of all that, he’s got a terrific skill set for a big man as he can finish left and right, has great footwork in the low post, and has a lot of offensive moves in the post. He’s a terrific rebounder and protects the basket very well. Upside is a taller Al Jefferson? Better be a HEALTHY Al Jefferson!

Cons: Well, here he is folks, the kid with all the physical talent but is mentally “unstable”. He’s the Zach Randolph of the draft, tons of talent, but immature and whiny. He’s also tubby because his body fat’s at 16% and he’s supposedly in the best shape of his life! He also gets into foul trouble and proceeds to mentally check out of some games. But boy… he’s really good…

So there are the big three at the third position of the draft. But that’s not all folks! We also have the 27th and 31st to get to! Since it’s only separated by three picks, let’s just list some players available at the spot, shall we? This is in no order, just a list with some general thoughts.

Stanley Robinson

UConn ATHLETE that’s 6’9” and can jump out of the gym and defend. Really inconsistent, though.

Larry Sanders

VCU 6’11” Big man project that has crazy measurements and is very athletic, especially for his size, but he’s rawer than sushi.

Dominique Jones

Late Sleeper for this draft! He’s a 6’4” Combo guard that’s got a great first step, is really strong, and plays with tons of hustle and activity, especially on defense. Doesn’t have a great jumper, though, and needs to improve on his off-hand (right) dribbling.

Willie Warren!

6’4” Smooth jump shooter that lost a lot of appeal to NBA scouts after going back to Oklahoma for a year. He has a great jumper, ball-handling skills, and a lot of POTENTIAL talent but hasn’t lived up to it.

Quincy Pondexter

6’6” Tweener that played PF in college and must play SF in the NBA. He’s a GREAT hustle player that is efficient and extremely active on both ends of the floor. He has leadership qualities and doesn’t take many bad shots. However, he is WAY undersized for the position of PF and hopefully he doesn’t take too much time to adjust to playing SF in the NBA.

Gani Lawal

6’8” athlete that rebounds and scores fairly well. He’s a high energy hustle player that needs a little more polish and could be a solid role player in the NBA.

Jordan Crawford

Another sleeper in the draft! 6’4” Combo guard that can really light it up and has a knack for being clutch. (See: NCAA Tournament). Is very inconsistent but is a great slasher. Doesn’t play well as a role player but that might be his fate in the NBA regardless.

Elliot Williams

6’4” Lefty that’s great in transition and plays active D but can’t finish right and doesn’t really have a midrange game.

Craig Brackins

6’10” Big man that can shoot and create from the free throw line area. Again, his defensive intensity is a question mark but he could be a good tweener role player at the NBA level.

Miroslav Raduljica

Standard foreign big man that could be a Euro Stash player for the Nets. He’s 7’0” and has good offensive low post moves as well as a decent jumper but isn’t that athletic and has suspect motivation on defense.

There is your draft analysis, folks. Hope it somewhat clarifies what the Nets will do.

LeBron James and the Dangers of Living Vicariously

2010-05-26T20:00:00.002-04:00

Are LeBron and I kindred spirits? No. But...well, no.

When it comes to analyzing sports, athletes are often painted in broad archetypes. You have your heroes. These are the fantastic teammates. They play the right way. They rescue player-pianos from burning houses. They win. Going through the NBA, you can rattle off "heroes" with ease - David Robinson, Steve Nash, and, of course, your favorite player on your favorite team. As a Nets fan, I am dying to list Jason Kidd here.

Unfortunately, I cannot. More often than not, athletes are seen as "villains". Not the "scheming to rule the world" type (although I don't rule out Stephen Jackson having a grand machination), but selfish, entitled jerks. Even those with spectacular on-court displays often find themselves tarnished by off-court mistakes, like Kobe Bryant and the aforementioned Kidd.

I followed basketball too much in high school. I knew entire rosters around the league, knew where the players went to college, and watched more than 70 of the Nets' 82 regular seasons (and caught every playoff game). Back then, I was totally into the "heroes" and "villains" thing. The first villain to feel my wrath was Stephon "All Alone 33" Marbury. Marbury and many others probably laid awake at night, unable to sleep due to my scathing criticisms. "This guy doesn't work hard!" "He's not a team player!" "He only cares about the money!"

This dynamic changed in 2003. After graduating high school, LeBron James entered the NBA. Few high school classes can clearly identify who their most successful graduate has been. For the Class of 2003, however, the answer is clearly LeBron James. And, now, there was a player my age (well, 35 days younger) in the NBA.

(Side note: I consider myself a Nets fan, and usually don't buy into following a specific player that some fans do. I know it doesn't make much sense - as I am basically rooting for a corporation [or "laundry" as Jerry Seinfeld once put it, but nowadays even the laundry changes]. It is akin to cheering for Universal Studios movies. But, with LeBron, I've made an exception to my silly rule.)

As the years progressed, LeBron grew and adapted to his new world, and so did I. Younger players continued to infiltrate the NBA, and soon my criticisms seemed petty and cantankerous. I don't work hard. I'm not a team player. I only care about the money. Where do I get off criticizing these kids?

Extreme narcissism allows me to continue to track my life along with LeBron. That's why I'm writing this. After his defeat in the second round of the 2010 Playoffs, the media came down on him, and began to write him off as another NBA "villain". Maybe his teammates weren't the problem - maybe LeBron just couldn't win a title. Maybe he'll abandon his team for selfish reasons. Maybe his mom is banging his teammate.

Extreme narcissism (and perhaps some delusion) allows me to deny these insinuations. I mean, LeBron is MY generation. It cannot be over already, right? Sure, he's been in the NBA for 7 years without the all-important ring, but he is (and I am) only 25. Sure, we're all a bit scared and thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore. The Class of 2003 hasn't had their lives go according to the script - there haven't been multiple titles, but we do have our highlights and game-winning shots. And we're still fighting, trying to cement our legacy.

So what should LeBron do? You know just as well as I do. However, I felt my life significantly improved once I left my hometown. That isn't an indictment of Nutley, New Jersey, mind you. I was just forced to get out of my comfort zone and experience new challenges. I'm a Nets fan first and foremost, and would love to see him come here, but I do not see it happening. But, for his sake, I believe he needs to leave Cleveland behind.

Furthermore, I think Cleveland is cursed. Like the Los Angeles Clippers, the city has openly mocked Native Americans with the Cleveland Indians for far too long. It is no wonder that bad karma has always gone this city's way. So, pick a new team LeBron - if not for yourself, then for your generation. It is a town full of losers, and he has to pull out of there to win.

Draft Lottery - Quick Thoughts

2010-05-23T12:00:00.001-04:00

I know it has been nearly a week since the draft lottery did not go the Nets way. But, there was a ton of hullabaloo about the Nets this week, so I figured it is best to sit out the shitstorm, and come at it with a fresh mind. A few quick thoughts:

- Well, my dorky white guy corollary did not come true this year. This lady won:

...and I should have seen it coming. This seems to be the year (possibly decade) for old ladies. First, Nancy Pelosi is instrumental in passing national healthcare, then Betty White hosts Saturday Night Live, then Irene Pollin takes home John Wall. What's next? I'm betting on Estelle Harris winning an Oscar.

- It isn't the end of the world. Duh. Assuming there are no crazy trades involved, taking Favors (or Cousins) alleviates the Nets need to sign a power forward to a big money deal (although I think they should try for a one year rental of Troy Murphy, but that's another subject). The main targets - Amare, Boozer, and David Lee - will probably get huge contracts that may end up looking like Jermaine O'Neal's or Tracy McGrady's contracts in a couple years. Granted, if Philadelphia drafts Cousins at #2 and the Nets take Turner at #3, I'll probably be taking all of these words back.

- I know nothing about college basketball, but I do know that every time the Nets were involved with someone who had character issues before being drafted, it did not end well. One is an 11th man in the NBA (Marcus Williams), one is out of the league (Sean Williams), and one is deceased (Eddie Griffin). With that in mind, I'd prefer the safe pick of Derrick Favors rather than the "high risk" DeMarcus Cousins. Plus, "Der-rick Fav-ors" is way easier to chant. But, knowing the Nets, whichever one of these two they draft, the other one will have a better career.

That's it for now. The draft is just a month away, and the free agent speculation is heating up. While I don't like doing mock drafts and mock offseasons, I do hope that the Nets play it conservative this offseason. Obviously, I'd love LeBron on the team, but I'd be happy with drafting Favors, a shooter, and a backup point guard, then making a move for a player with an expiring contract (such as the aforementioned Murphy or Andrei Kirilenko). Rome wasn't built in a day.

Mikhail Prokhorov: "I am Iron Man."

2010-05-09T13:00:00.000-04:00

Mikhail Prokhorov is just days away from getting approval by the NBA to control the Nets. This is, quite easily, the best piece of news for Nets fans in the time that I've been running this blog. While having an uber-rich owner does not guarantee success (see Dallas and Portland), it will surely signal the hopelessness we as Nets fans have felt since Ratner took over and started cutting costs in 2004. With a limited budget, the Nets could only get so far and offer so much. In a way, Prokhorov coming to the Nets is reminiscent of Iron Man coming to America - he cannot guarantee world peace, but goddamn, it is awesome having him around. Also...

Both Tony Stark and Prokhorov are billionaires, using their vast resources on something completely impractical. Basketball teams are notorious for operating in the red. And, Iron Man? Not only does the suit cost billions, but you have to factor in the evil scientists stealing the technology and the billions of dollars caused in collateral damage during the fights in Iron Man 1 and 2. Hey Tony, it is probably better to use that money to, say, feed the poor, build hospitals, etc. But...

Both have a flair for the dramatic. Tony Stark loves to ride around in his Iron Man suit and hold parties with garish neon lights in Queens. Prokhorov loves to ride on jet skis, while a video team films it, and then set this footage to hardcore metal. Gotta say, these are the types of things that an 8-year-old would come up with if given that type of money. This attitude can cause problems, as....

Both have trouble with government bodies. Gary Shandling was busting Stark's balls in Iron Man 2, while the French government busted Mikhail for buying prostitutes for his business clients. However, it all worked out for them: Shandling was forced to basically kiss Iron Man's ass; and Prokhorov was forced to sell his company weeks before it would lose nearly half of its value. Finally...

Both love the ladies! Both are bachelors well into their 40s, but it isn't because they are immature men-children with tons of money and commitment issues. God no. They just haven't found their soul mates! Tony needs a woman who can keep up with his lust for life, and Mikhail needs a lady who can cook!

Now, from what I can gather from the two movies, Tony Stark does have some more advantages. He's thwarted villains (I am eagerly anticipating the rivalry between Prokhorov and Jim Dolan), has a trusty token African-American sidekick who changes appearances from film to film (I have a feeling this will be what happens to the coach), and he has a father with one of the most disturbing hair dye and fake mustaches in film history (seriously, what was with that?). But, unlike Iron Man, the Nets will be one continuous summer blockbuster this year, as the coach search, draft, and free agency will give Prokhorov more opportunities to make a name for himself.

Idiot Tax - Fixing the NBA Draft Lottery

2010-05-01T14:00:00.000-04:00

Every May, the NBA holds its draft lottery to determine the top 3 picks. It gives every team that missed the playoffs varying odds on winning the top pick. This system is based on the idea of no tanking. If you purposely lose games, there is only so high of a pick you can guarantee yourself. The Nets (who did not tank, but rather perfected losing) are this year's worst team, and are guaranteed no lower than pick number four.

Now, as a fan of the Nets, I am dreading the draft lottery. I just suffered watching the worst season in team history, and now there is a 75% chance that the pain will increase. Does this system make sense? Let's examine.

As mentioned earlier, this system relies on the "no tanking" principle. However, there is still tanking that goes on regardless among non-playoff teams, as they will shut down their top players to get more "lottery balls" for the draft. Furthermore, there are also cases of playoff teams tanking to ensure a favorable first round match-up. So, the system is already broken and not carrying out its sole purpose. I say we scrap it.

My idea: back to basics. The worst team gets the top pick. Sure, you may have some tanking, but will there be more than what is going on right now? It gives fans of losing teams some optimism, rather than another kick in the teeth. It is also in the league's best interest to have all teams being competitive - so why not give the worst team a shot at the best player? The NFL does it, and they are only the most successful sports organization in the country. Furthermore, we get an extra month of mock drafts! Who doesn't love those?

But, obviously, this won't change the Nets' current situation. I am fully bracing myself for a Derrick Favors/Wesley Johnson debate. My advice for the Nets: send me to the NBA Draft Lottery. Why? I am a dorky white guy. Teams usually use this opportunity to send players, coaches, or celebrities associated with the team (Jay-Z went two years ago to represent the Nets). But who wins? Well let's see...

Lewis Katz represented the Nets last time they won the draft lottery in 2000.

In recent years, the Bulls were represented by this guy when they won...

And this dude represented the Clippers last year...

Notice the trend here? Dorky white guys are winning the draft lottery! And I'm the dorkiest, whitest, guyest guy I know! Prokhorov, I await your call.

Season Eulogy: The Disease of Less

2010-04-15T21:00:00.001-04:00

SEX!

Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about the 2009-2010 New Jersey Nets season.

But first, back to sex.

"Every generation thinks they invented sex" is an old and overused expression. I think all previous generations think they invented that expression. Furthermore, why stop at sex? Every generation thinks they invented dance music, children's entertainment, and armpit farts. What does this have to do with the Nets?

These Nets did not invent losing. There have been losers before them, and losers after them. But, goddamn, they gave it their all to put a lasting imprint on how we think of losing in the future.

On a macro-level, the Nets putridity is indicative of an overall trend in American sports of the strong teams getting stronger, and the weak teams getting weaker. It has been like that in baseball for the last decade, and has recently been showing up in football - in the last couple years, there has been a 16-0 and a 0-16 team.

But, looking just at the Nets, the team was designed to fail, and executed wonderfully. They expelled all leadership when firing Lawrence Frank and bringing in Kiki. Putting Kiki at coach had the same effect on the team as starting Kiki at power forward would have. Furthermore, they amassed a healthy amount of grouchy veterans playing for contracts (Bobby Simmons, Keyon Dooling, Rafer Alston) and clueless young talent unsure of their roles on the team (Chris Douglas-Roberts, Terrence Williams). The shining achievement that future generations will study about this Nets team will be their creation of the "Disease of Less".

What is the "Disease of Less"? Well, first let me tell you about the "Disease of More". In Pat Riley's book Show Time, he described the "Disease of More" by saying "success is often the first step toward disaster." The success of his Lakers teams in the 1980s led to players demanding more - more playing time, more shots, more money, etc. This disrupted the chemistry of the team and caused them to fail.

Well, let me introduce you to the radical "Disease of Less". Failure is often the first step toward disaster. As the Nets lost more and more, everyone turned on each other. Instead of banding together and taking on a "nobody believes in us!" mentality (as the Bucks did this season, and as the Wizards did for a few weeks in February), they started to look at each other as the enemy. "That's the guy that's making me lose!" So, all the players demanded more, and started looking out only for themselves. So, in this case, less led to more. The cause was completely different, but the effect was the same.

What is also interesting about this team is that they have OWNED the losing. Unlike other failed teams, they are not blaming injuries or any other types of externalities. It seems like they have accepted the fact that they built an awful team, thus the awful performance is acceptable.

I have to commend the Nets on this. One of my pet peeves in life is when people make excuses for not succeeding. In a management class of mine, I learned about "lotus of controls". A person with an external lotus of control blames the world around them for their situation, and these people are often lacking in maturity and do not become very successful. A person with an internal lotus of control sees themselves as in control of their situation. The Nets, despite the losing, are not looking outward for scapegoats, but understand they brought this futility upon themselves. This, my friends, is the razor-thin silver lining among the shit-colored cloud.

Most importantly, Nets fans, do not internalize this season and carry it with you. It is over. It's not your fault.

Enough with the winning already!

2010-04-10T12:24:00.006-04:00

Seriously, guys. You couldn't have played this way all season? If you guys fuck this up, and end up tying Minnesota for the worst record and somehow get the 5th pick in the draft, I'm going to hurl feces from assorted animals on the court.

I've been neglecting this blog recently because I am taking an improv class and working on my stand-up comedy. Enjoy some Nets-oriented humor in this set:

My next show at Caroline's is this Monday, April 12th, at 7PM. If you'd like to come and support me, please call 212-757-4100 to reserve tickets (make sure to say you are there to see Rory to get the discounted price). It is $5 with a 2 drink minimum, and it is a hell of a show.

Finally, I'll also remind you that the link to the items I'm selling on Amazon is along the right. I'm trying to unload some nerdy/awesome comic books in order to have money to buy MORE nerdy/awesome comic books!

I'll have my post-season thoughts up on April 15th. Until then, someone please break up this Nets team!

TEN!

2010-03-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

POP THAT CHAMPAGNE!

Yes, kids, that is $6 Brut California Champagne, or as I like to call it, the beer of champagnes. It the most symbolic way I could have possibly celebrated this Nets win. Don't get me wrong - every time the Nets win, it makes the day a little brighter. But, let's take a step back. That was their 10th win of the season. They are 48 games out of first place. They suck.

There are still plenty of reasons for hope. I absolutely loved the 60 Minutes interview of Prokhorov - can't wait to see him in action. And, as Nets All New points out so astutely - there will be something new each month for the next four months. But you know what will not be happening? Winning meaningful games.

Every offseason is exciting for NBA fans. New rookies, new free agents, and, in some cases, a new coaching staff. But, I'm sick of the hype, the predictions, the trade rumors, etc. And I know, at some point, I'll be contributing to this. But, this season is a sobering reminder: just give us results.

For now, I'll just sit back and watch the rest of the NBA Playoffs, and reacquaint myself with how the game is supposed to be played. If anybody cares, I'm throwing my support behind Cleveland. I know that makes me sound like a front-runner, but out of all the teams I've watched this season, the LeBrons were the most aesthetically pleasing. It was basketball the way it was meant to be, and the camaraderie reminded me of the 01-02 Nets.

As for now, congrats to the Nets who tried this season: Keyon, Devin, Courtney, Brook, Terrence, Boone, and the Hump. You all deserve a sip from the Brut. The rest get Natty Light.

Two Anniversaries!

2010-03-17T21:00:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of Slippery When Nets! I would like to take a moment to give my thanks to all my readers. It is your comments, e-mails, and death threats that have made this blog so much fun to write. I hope it is fun for you to read! Stay strong Nets fans, hopefully the tone of this blog will change next year.

But, why I am I writing this today? Wouldn't it make more sense tomorrow? Glad I asked myself these questions! Today marks the 15th anniversary of the first Nets game I went to! My memory isn't that strong, but I do remember my early basketball trips went like this: first game was Knicks versus Jazz, then Nets versus Jazz, then Nets versus Knicks. Not sure why my parents took me to so many Jazz games, but hell, I was just pysched to be seeing live NBA action. Through the joy that is basketball-reference.com, I was able to pinpoint the exact dates: the Knicks/Jazz game was January 14, 1995, the Nets-Jazz game was March 17, 1995, and the Nets-Knicks game was April 2, 1995. Not surprisingly, the Nets lost both those games. I should have taken that as a sign to abandon ship immediately and take up following the Florida Marlins.

But, I have to say, with a deep breath and sigh, that I liked the past 15 years. They made the playoffs 7 years, won 4 division titles, and made the Finals twice. I got to watch an MVP candidate and first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in his prime. And, while there have been traumatic losses (including this season), at least there were very few playoff gut-wrenchers, as the Nets never lost a series where they had home-court advantage. Aside from the teams that have won championships (Chicago, San Antonio, the Lakers, Detroit, Miami, and Boston), I'd say the Nets' last 15 years can compare favorably to most of the other franchises.

That being said, I really hope I am saying this again in another 15 years. The future is questionable in regards to free agent signings and draft picks (there's a 75% chance of being unhappy with the result). As any sports fan should, I am bracing for the worst.

Podcasts, Comedy, and Other Things

2010-02-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! I've got a lot to take care of in this post, so here we go:

- I made another appearance on the Brad Bogner Show. You can listen to it here. If you like the show, you can subscribe to it on iTunes. Give it a nice rating and review, please!

- I will be appearing at Caroline's this Monday, March 1st, at 7:00PM. Call 212-757-4100 to reserve tickets. If you say you are there to see me, you will get a discounted entrance fee - $5 instead of $15. I haven't added any new clips to the Youtubes yet, but you can see the old clip here.

- Finally, I'm trying to unload some comics on Amazon.com. You can view my offerings here. These are all great reads, but I'm just trying to clear some space for more random Nets crap.

This upcoming week will be very busy, so there may be a bit of a gap between entries, but I should be back up to speed by the middle of the month.

Suffering - It's Everywhere To Me

2010-02-22T20:26:00.001-05:00

This season of Nets basketball will probably go down in history as one of humanity's most heinous crimes. As I near the end of my first year of Nets blogging, I've run out of ways to say the word "awful". So, for the rest of this rant, I'll be checking in my thesaurus. See if you can catch me! (Yes, I know this game is abominable, but bear with me. This is a ghastly season.)

As harrowing as it is watching the games, the YES Network has been implementing a new torture strategy on Nets fans. They have been rerunning the same 10 or so commercials over and over again. This would not be so abhorrent if I was watching a 30 minute sitcom, but a two and a half hour games for seven months? It becomes scaring to the psyche.

The most deplorable spot comes from my bank, Chase, and an old Michelle Branch song.

Perhaps you have seen it? I swear, this commercial airs multiple times per timeout! By the second quarter, I am aware of a couple facts:

1. Kiki cannot coach.
2. Chase is everywhere to me.
3. Yi Jianlian doesn't lift his arms to rebound.
4. When I close my eyes, it is Chase's logo I see.
5. Stay tuned for an all-new Michael Kay show!

This 30-second section of the song has been so drilled into my head. I'm convinced that the real song is just 30-seconds long. I get it. There's a lot of Chase banks. Walking around Manhattan has made me keenly aware of this fact. Using Chase's branch locator, I've found 22 Chase's within one mile of my apartment. And that isn't including the ATMs available at all the Duane Reade's!

Here is my list of songs I would use in future Chase commercials, involving the money and the "everywhere" theme. If I've missed any, please list them in the comments:

"Moneytalks" - AC/DC
"Takin' Care of Business" - Bachmann Turner-Overdrive (as long as they get to the "working overtime" part fast)
"Here, There, and Everywhere" - The Beatles
"You Never Give Me Your Money" - The Beatles
"Call Me" - Blondie
"Peace of Mind" - Boston
"Money For Nothing" - Dire Straights
"Take Me Home Tonight" - Eddie Money
"Reach Out (I'll Be There)" - The Four Tops
"Will You Be There?" - Michael Jackson
"Opportunities" - Pet Shop Boys
"Every Breath You Take" - The Police
"Right Here Waiting" - Richard Marx (this gets my vote!)

Your Nets Coaching Nightmare Scenarios

2010-02-17T22:00:00.011-05:00

In the past couple weeks, there have been tons of rumors regarding who will take over the coaching position for the Nets next year. As I opined in the fan mail last week, the Nets have needed a REAL coach since December. With that being said, here's my run-down of the possible coaching candidates. Just to note, the college coaching candidates have all publicly denied being interested in coaching the Nets, which makes sense given they are in the middle of a season and are currently recruiting for next year. However, it should be known that all college coaches are egotistical scumbags, and nobody would be shocked if they stabbed their respective colleges in the back. At the end of each candidate, I'll put a rating, indicating how satisfied I'd be with this coach taking over the Nets.

Mike Krzyzewski

Duke's Coach K has been referred to as the Nets' number one choice. Mikhail Prokhorov wants to make a splash, and luring away college's "top prize" would do so. He also has the respect of many of 2010's top free agents due to coaching the United States basketball team in 2008.

However, I don't trust college coaches in general. Aside from Larry Brown, no college coach has had any significant NBA success. The game is completely different. Furthermore, Coach K's alumni haven't done much either, as only one Dukie has an NBA championship ring (Danny Ferry, as a 13th man on the Spurs). Plus, he's a Dukie! I don't follow college sports that much, but I do know one thing: Duke sucks!

Approval Rating: 6/10

Rick Pitino/John Calipari

Both these guys are cut from the same cloth in my mind. Like Coach K, they are highly coveted college coaches. Unlike Coach K, both these guys have proven that they are NBA failures. Pitino has failed miserably in both New York and Boston, but he does say success is a choice. Maybe failure is too, and the third time will be the charm.

I'd stomach Pitino over Calipari, my sworn enemy. Calipari already tortured Nets fans in the past. He constantly brings up in interviews how he would have drafted Kobe Bryant. It is such a revisionist look at history. Let me just say this, Coach Cal: Kobe would not have stayed long in New Jersey. He didn't become mega-Kobe until year 5, and by then I'm sure he would have bolted via free agency (ala Tracy McGrady). Furthermore, by saying this, you are inadvertently throwing Kerry Kittles under a Greyhound. Kittles was a soldier for your Nets teams and holds a special place in Nets fans' hearts. So quit your complaining. At least Nets fans don't need to wonder where Chris Douglas-Roberts got his bad attitude from.

And just to wrap this up: Rick Pitino paid for his mistress to have an abortion. John Calipari has gotten two college programs suspended. I'll pass.

Approval Rating: Pitino 4/10, Calipari 2/10

Byron Scott

Since Calipari is being brought back up, why not Byron Scott? Now, if you've followed my blog, you will notice I take occasional pot shots at Lord Byron. And that is because I hate him. He never watched game tape. He never made in-game adjustments. He was notorious for taking naps before games.

But he did one thing very well: he delegated responsibility. The Nets' coaching staff from 2001-2003 was stacked in assistant coaches, as Eddie Jordan and Lawrence Frank went on to have notable careers. Byron let Jordan run the offense and Frank run the defense. And it worked! I always thought Frank's assistants were never this strong, and his refusal to delegate is what eventually made the Nets lose.

Is delegating responsibility enough to rehire Byron? No. Then why bring him up? Well, the man is EXTREMELY LUCKY! Seriously, his career has been boosted by falling ass-backwards into playing with and coaching three of the greatest points guard spanning three decades - Magic Johnson (as a player), Jason Kidd, and Chris Paul (as a coach). With Byron on board, I have no doubt the Nets would end up with John Wall.

Approval Rating: 3/10

Jeff Van Gundy

Van Gundy has been cracking wise on ABC for a while that it is tough to remember that this guy was once a highly respected coach. He has a .575 winning percentage, and has been to an NBA Finals (in the awful 1999 season, but still). However, I get the feeling that Van Gundy would be better off with a more veteran team, as it is tough to recall the youngsters that Van Gundy has turned into superstars. I do like him, and I think he will succeed as an NBA coach in the future. But I'm not quite sure he will fit entirely with the Nets.

Approval Rating: 7/10

Avery Johnson

Yes! This is my man! Everybody I talk to seems to have a negative opinion of this guy, and I'm not entirely sure why. In just 3 full seasons, he has a .735 winning percentage and made the NBA Finals once. He has the reputation of being high strung, very honest, and very demanding. Which is exactly what this team needs! There has been too much immaturity, selfishness, and backstabbing in the Nets organization. The Nets need someone to go in there and crack heads. I believe Avery can be this guy.

Approval Rating: 8/10

Kiki Vandeweghe, Year 2

NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Approval Rating: -45/10

Random Tangents - New Name For Nets

2010-02-13T21:00:00.001-05:00

As the Nets prepare to move to Brooklyn sometime in the near or far distant future, there has been some speculation that they might change their nickname. While many have assumed that they will just be called the "Brooklyn Nets", I see this as the perfect opportunity for the team to exorcise itself from the past demons associated with that name.

First of all, the name "Nets" has to be one of the worst in sports. They are named after a piece of equipment used to play the game! It is like naming a football team "The Pylons". I prefer team names that are intimidating, like the Bulls or the Warriors. Or, failing that, name the team after a geographical feature of the region, such as the Pistons, named after Detroit's auto industry. I do enjoy those types of names even if the team moves - such as what happened with the Lakers, Grizzlies, and Jazz. So, let's immediately scrap the Nets.

The Nets used to be called the Americans in their early days, but given the proliferation of foreign players (and in the Nets' case, their owner), this seems stupid. In a podcast, Bill Simmons suggested going back to the Dodgers, but that will inevitably cause confusion when talking. It is tough enough when people think you are a Mets fan, but now you have to differentiate between another team that has the EXACT same name as your team.

I have three thoughts on the matter of the team name, all going in different directions. First, perhaps the Nets should name try to appeal to the major opponents of the Brooklyn move - hipsters. Freddy's Bar in Brooklyn is spear-heading a movement to keep my team out of town and without a new home. So, I suggest they give the Nets a new, hipper, ironic name. How about: Baseball Team. The Brooklyn Baseball Team. To keep the ironic theme going, this could be the logo:

My next idea is dedicated to our savior Mikhail Prokhorov. How about: The Red Scare? First of all, Proky would definitely approve this. Also, the team can embrace the theme, inviting numerous Russian celebrities to sit courtside. I love it because it would easily be the most intimidating team name in American sports. Seriously, are you more afraid of Knickerbockers or the FUCKIN' RED SCARE? Plus, all those stinking hipsters are liberal commies anyway, so I'm sure they'd embrace the proletariat teachings of their new team. My biggest concern would be the Barclay's endorsement deals.

The final suggestion is my personal favorite. I read this on a message board a while ago, and would love to know who came up with the idea. It is: The Brooklyn Knights. First, it is a delicious play on the term for a Brooklyn-born person, a Brooklynite. Also, it is an intimidating name that is easily associated with identifiable images for logos and mascots. My biggest concern is that the name is "regal", which has not led to much success in professional sports - see the L.A. Kings, Sacramento Kings, Kansas City Royals, etc.

So, those are just my humble suggestions. Let me know yours in the comments!

Reader E-mails - Yup, that's pretty much the gist of it...

2010-02-08T22:00:00.001-05:00

The other day, I received this e-mail from a SWN reader named Ken. Ken shares a few things that I believe all of us are thinking (I've edited for spelling). To share your thoughts on the season, please e-mail slipperywhennets at gmail. Thanks, and I appreicate the support!

Hi there,

I found your page a few weeks ago, people who still follow the Nets seems to be few and far between. I am a long suffering fan - since Dr. J and the ABA days. We make a yearly trek to a game - was just in Detroit and watch the Nets lose another game and darn near kill each other with that collision!

I have been very disappointed in Harris's play this year and made it a point to focus on him the whole first period. I was amazed at what I saw!

I for one would have a heart to heart talk with him and decide if he takes the floor again!

His play was...well, in a word...useless.

Not ONCE in the first period did he make any attempt to score. Not a shot, not a single pick and roll...fact is, I do not believe he once dribbled in the paint.

He would get the inbound pass, dribble over mid-court, pass the ball, and slide off the the side. Then, he'd stand there. On occasion, he might run down low and back up, but did nothing. He was subbed for Dooling, who, in a matter of minutes, was driving the lane, passed off, and got two easy baskets.

At the end of the game, he still got 20, but he could have had twice that. Every time he did drive in and pull up, he scored. They lose by 7...awful.

They look so lifeless for most of the game. Yi should be getting a handful of minutes. The number of rebounds he loses because he doesn't get his hands on it is also awful.

They are playing like stiffs. There they were with a lead late int he game, and then manage to miss 9 out of the next 11 shots, with almost none of them being drives to the basket (which is how they got back into it.

The only good news is a great draft pick, but as we all know, they will manage to lose out on that also!

Keep up the blogging!

Ken
Rochester, NY

There's a lot of truth to what Ken says. Now, the excuse you will hear for Devin Harris is that he is playing injured. This may be true, but every NBA player is playing slightly injured. But, there's two names left out of this scathing e-mail - Rod Thorn and Kiki. The team DOES NOT HAVE A COACH. I know there is a power struggle between these two bozos, but we are paying fans GODDAMMIT! We deserve a complete team, with a real coach, as soon as YESTERDAY.

I completely feel for you, Ken. I haven't been watching YES, attending less games, and even staying away from other Nets blogs during this season. Making one pilgrimage to a game this season must be painful. I've fortunately had good luck attending the games so far (if you can call 2-5 good luck).

And, sadly, I agree with you about that draft pick. I'm banking on #4 as well.

The Fantastic Four!

2010-01-30T19:00:00.000-05:00

So far this season, the Nets have only managed to scrape together four wins in 45 games. They are on pace to be the worst team in NBA history. This is old news, however. Because, the real story is...

This is the most memorable season in Nets history.

You read that correctly. This is the most memorable season in Nets history. Because, in the long term, you will remember EVERY time the Nets won this season. Your memories will blur all the losses together, but each win will be truly special. Do you think fans of the 96 Bulls remember all 72 wins? Of course not! In fact, those 10 losses probably provide the fuel in the memory fire. Let me recap the Nets four wins to date, and how each memory was special.

Mr. Fantastic

December 4, 2009 - Nets 97, Bobcats 91

The opening of the Nets season began with a losing streak that stretched forever - just like Mr. Fantastic. It claimed the health of several players and the job status of Lawrence Frank. But, thankfully, one cold December night, the stars aligned. I had bought a bottle of champagne the night before, ready to pop it when/if the Nets would get their first win. I watched this game in my girlfriend's new apartment with her and her mom (who had helped her move in). The win was pretty ugly, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time - wondering how the Nets would blow it until there was 0.00 left on the clock. Once the win was secured, we all enjoyed some of the cheapest Cristalino around.

The Thing

December 8, 2009 - Nets 103, Bulls 101

Boy, this game was pretty ugly. I forget where I was earlier in the night, but I remember checking the scores on my cell phone as I walked home. By the time I got home, I was able to watch the last two minutes as the Nets gained leads, blew them, got the lead back, blew it, but then eventually won. Only Alicia Masters would want to watch this game again.

Human Torch

December 30, 2009 - Nets 104, Knicks 95

Nets just came out and torched the Knicks this game. Really, I did not see this victory coming at all. But, what made this more special - it was one of the few games I actually went to! At half-time, my ticket rep surprised me by moving me up to courtside!

Nice picture, huh? A courtside seat is unlike any other seat in sports; it is a completely unique viewing situation. Anyway, this was the first win I saw in person this season (0-3 before). But, fortunately, it was not my last...

Invisible Woman

January 27, 2010 - Nets 103, Clippers 87

Well, this is another game I went to courtside. This time, however, I purchased the tickets in advance. This game was a gift to my mom for Christmas. I bought the tickets right after the Bobcats win, and have prayed for the last two months that the Nets would win this particular game. My prayers were answered! (I have to say, in between my courtside sitting appearances, I went to two other games. Sadly, I can't go back. Courtside is too nice. I've tasted the high-life, and it is tough watching games amongst the commoners again. And yes, I am a tremendous douche. But the Nets are 2-0 when I sit courtside, so maybe I am good luck!)

Well, the Nets' backcourt was invisible this game, as both Courtney Lee and Devin Harris were injured. I immediately wrote off our chances of winning. Fortunately, Baron Davis and Marcus Camby also pulled out their invisibility cloaks, and the Nets soared to a win behind Keyon Dooling and The Hump (my new favorite Net).

And there you have it, the Fantastic Four. These memories will last throughout our lifetime. Memories of game winning shots by Damien Wilkens, Dwyane Wade, and Earl Boykins will fade, as will the numerous blowouts and....

Ah...who am I kidding? Somebody, help us! We don't have a coach! The players hate each other! The management hates the fans! Help us, Obi Wan-Prohorov! You're our only hope!

Good Grief

2010-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Something has to be said when your team goes 0-4 versus the second and third worst teams in the league. Unfortunately, I've run out of ways to say "WE SUCK!", so take it away Charles Schultz:

Oh, We're Half Way There

2010-01-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

The Nets are half-way through this "season", which is destined to go down as one of mankind's most heinous crimes. In New Jersey fashion, I'll organize this week's rant in Livin' On A Prayer fashion. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm sure there will be some tears shed by the end...

Once upon a time, not so long ago...

The Nets were winning Atlantic Division and Eastern Conference titles. Just trying to remember the good times. OK, now back to reality...

It's tough...so tough.

Without exaggeration, this is the most infuriating time I have had as a sports fan. First and foremost, as a sports fan, you demand your team to show effort. Acting like you give a crap is the largest chunk of the battle in winning over sports fans, moreso than winning. It is why Raptors fans hate Vince, even though he brought that team more success than any player. Since Kiki took over from Lawrence Frank, these players have all checked out. I am convinced that nobody on the team is friends, either.

The whole organization is toxic, and needs to be blown apart. Nets fans have debated whether Devin Harris or Brook Lopez should be "untouchable" - I'm sorry. This is the worst team in the history of sports - there are no untouchable players. Refresh yourself with the 72-73 Sixers - see any untouchables on that roster? The only Hall-of-Famer was an ancient Hal Greer, who played half the season and then retired.

I blame this lack of effort solely on Kiki's shoulders. Frank's 0-16 team would trounce this current incarnation. I have found myself sometimes wishing physical harm on Kiki, but talk myself out of it. I want him fired immediately, but want him to get hired by another moronic organization that he can destroy. The Nets need to compete against 29 teams every year for a championship - with Kiki running one, that number goes down to 28.

We've got to hold on to what we've got, 'cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not

I'm afraid the Nets will make a panic trade, and bring in a player who will destroy their cap space and cost them several draft picks. As mentioned before, the Nets need a complete make-over, not a touch-up. Ten draft picks in the next three years and $30M in cap space can do that, Caron Butler or Andrei Kirilenko cannot.

LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!

That's all the Nets fans can hope for: the power of prayer getting them those seven more wins to avoid the worst record ever, or getting the number one pick in the draft. Teams don't luck into wins, they have to be earned. This team WILL NOT EARN THEM. I have been saying this since November 19th, 2009. Will any free agents want to join this circus? That remains to be seen.

Bottom line: I'm angry, and, if you are reading this, so are you. The frustrating thing is: nobody cares. Nobody is talking about how Kiki is stealing money from the organization. It is utterly hopeless. I bet you feel like running away, and you are crying in the night.

Baby - it's OK. Someday.

Gone Podcastin' - Part 6

2010-01-19T22:30:00.000-05:00

OK, this post is going to shatter my personal record for shameless self-promotion. First, here is the link to my latest appearance on the Brad Bogner Show. Might I say, this may be my personal best appearance. If you enjoy the Brad Bogner Show, please subscribe to the show on iTunes, or, if you are already subscribed, leave a positive review for the show.

Next order of business involves my second appearance at Caroline's on Broadway. It is this Monday, January 25th, at 9:30PM. Here is a clip from my first show:

This time I am doing what struggling new comedians call a "bringer" show: the more people who come, the better it is for me getting future appearances at Caroline's. So, if you are interested, please call Caroline's at 212-757-4100. Make sure to say you are there to see me. It will be $5 and two drinks. I've seen a couple of these shows, and let me say, they are worth the money to go to, even if you are not there to support me. At one show, both Nick DiPaolo and Darrell Hammond performed. Not bad for $5.

That's all for now. There will be a new post up later this week.

Random Nets Crap - Mardi Gras Beads!

2010-01-07T22:00:00.003-05:00

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!

NETS MARDI GRAS BEADS!

Since the Nets are currently heading to New Orleans, I figure I'd bust out a recent addition to my ever-growing collection of Nets paraphernalia: Mardi Gras beads! These were acquired on a trip to New Orleans during Thanksgiving Break 2009, so like I said, no dust on this gem.

This trip was the first time I've ever been to New Orleans. Sure, the food was good, the people were friendly, and touring the French Quarter, Garden District, and Warehouse District was lovely. But the main thing I thought during the trip was, "God damn, this would be a kick-ass place to be homeless!"

Now, I'm not trying to make light of the situation faced by many unfortunate people during Hurricane Katrina, nor mock those with mental disabilities who often find themselves in homeless situations. I am speaking, of course, of the "lovable scamp" brand of homeless man. You know, the kind of bum who hops trains, carries his belongings in a handkerchief tied to a stick, and steals pies from windowsills.

You see, I never take anything I have for granted, such as my job and my home. I know that bad luck can strike anyone at any time, and I like to prepare myself for terrible situations. It is always one of my life-long dreams to help people escape from an airplane, as well. Trust me, while others zone out as flight attendants explain how to buckle your seatbelt, I am carefully studying how to open the escape hatch and where the nearest exits are (It's behind me? Sneaky!). You bet your ass I'll be putting on my oxygen mask first before assisting others. This kind of "prepare for anything" attitude is also why I like when gay guys hit on me. Now, I'm NOT gay, but in the instance I wake up one day and CHOOSE to be gay, I like to know that I'll have someone interested in me.

Back to the homelessness: Should I find myself having to ride the rails, I like to know where I'm going to be headed to. There are definitely two cities to avoid:

Boston: This should be obvious. The subway system is terrible. The weather is awful. The city is full of drunk college kids who will set your gristly beard on fire for kicks. Plus, the sports teams suck!

Nutley, New Jersey: My hometown. Basically, this is just too boring. Everything will be closed by 10PM. There's not a lot of fun to be had when you have money here.

So that's that. Now, the place where I currently live, New York City, is an interesting subject. It is pretty much a middle ground when it comes to homelessness. It suffers the weather problem that Boston does, but the subways are much better for being mobile and staying warm/cold. Everybody complains that it is expensive, but food is practically free if you know where to look. The biggest thing with being homeless in New York is this: how bad are you willing to smell? First of all, everybody in New York smells a little awful. There's no helping it: you cram that many people into confined spaces, and things are going to get rank pretty fast. As a homeless guy, you'll run into this problem almost immediately. But, to be a successful bum, you'll need to dumpster dive. If you don't mind the smell, dumpster diving in New York will lead you to a bevy of riches, and you'll probably end up living a better style than people with homes in Boston and Nutley. So if you do find yourself homeless and stuck in New York, I'd suggest destroying your sense of smell with a bottle rocket ala Selma Bouvier.

Now onto my two favorite cities:

New Orleans: This is my second favorite city to be homeless. First, you can pretty much be drunk all the time. Drinks are allowed on Bourbon Street, and many times a drunken tourist will leave a cup along the street. Pounce on these, and you can waste your days away rather than look for a job. Drinking in public is a HUGE advantage over most cities. Also, you are by the water, have access to good food, and will come in contact with a slew of tourists each day. The town is known for chicanery by the locals, so you could probably learn a few scams along the way. A casino nearby is a definite negative, though. Also, the weather is helter-skelter, which could be awful. These two downsides are why it only places second to...

San Diego: I haven't been here in a while, but from what I recall and through collaboration with others: this place is sunny and 70 degrees all year. It is by the water, which is indispensable for a vagabond like yourself: you can either fish for food, or hop a boat for adventures in the Orient. It is also near Mexico, which is good for escape from the federalis. It may not have the plentiful booze of New Orleans, but it does have Comic-Con once a year. For four days, women will see you as one of the non-weirdos.

Anyway, back to the beads. The tourist shops in New Orleans sell all kind of beads you could imagine. And, after flashing my boobs, these Nets beads were all mine! I also bought Spider-Man duck beads.

I have no idea why they painted rubber ducks to look like Spider-Man. I must have missed that issue. You could also buy beads with the logos of every major sports team. The Nets were one of the tougher ones to find, probably because everybody was buying them for their loved ones for Christmas. It is nice to see the dark blue is still part of the color scheme on the beads, as it has all but vanished from the Nets' uniforms.

So with all that said, I think the key to the game tomorrow is if Devin Harris can neutralize Chris Paul. Also, rebounding and points from the bench will be key. My prediction: 108-93, Hornets.

Netcade - Bottom 10 Nets Players of the 00s

2010-01-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

Once the calendar hits December of any year ending in a 9, it is time for the masses to declare the top 10 of whatever the previous 10 years provided us. I have seen numerous lists recounting the best of film, television, music, sports, etc. But, where is the New Jersey Net love? As always, Slippery When Nets is hear to provide a voice for the little man! And now, I embarrassingly present:

The Bottom 10 Nets Of The Zeros!

(Please note for this list, I am putting weight on the expectations associated with each player. Therefore, I will exclude second round picks and minimum contract players.)

10. Zoran Planinic

Wow, remember the 2003 NBA Draft? That will go down in history as one of the greatest drafts of all time. LeBron, Carmelo, Bosh, and Wade at the top. Tons of other starters litter the first and second round, including late picks David West, Josh Howard, and Mo Williams. And who did the Nets come away with?

Zoran. Planinic.

Zoran was always a favorite of mine, but his international game just never adjusted to the NBA. It is terrible to look at all the other players that were passed up in favor of Little Z, especially considering this was the last s eason the Nets would be truly competitive for an NBA title. Well, it was nice knowing you, Zoran. I'll see you every four years in the Olympics, fighting for fifth place.

9. Marcus Williams

Really, he is the same story as Zoran: an heir-apparent to Jason Kidd, brought in when the team was competitive, ended up stinking up the joint. I ranked him higher than Zoran because, quite frankly, I just liked Zoran more. Marcus had a lot of hype surrounding him, as he "fell" in the draft because of character issues. These character issues were enormous, and have bugged him wherever he's gone. Fortunately, the Marcus Williams saga had some benefits, as he was traded for a conditional Golden State pick, which may end up being a good pick. Also, there have not (yet) been any All-Star caliber players selected after Williams.

8. Bobby Simmons

I had this guy at 10, but as this season just wears on, he will climb this chart. Clearly, he was only acquired to be a large expiring contract in 2010. However, now he will go down as the highest paid player on the worst team in NBA history. What a joke. How does he sleep at night? Probably like Reiner Wolfcastle: in a large bed, surrounded by beautiful women. He may skyrocket to number one if the Nets fail to acquire anything positive with their caproom this summer, which I feel is the most likely scenario. Single tear.

7. Sean Williams

Ah, SWat. My old nemesis. My hatred for you was one of the first things I've documented. And nothing's changed. The supposed "raw talent" is not enough to make up for his lack of fundamentals. It is a shame that you can describe tons of first round busts that way. GMs never learn.

6. Chris Childs

Well, I've ragged on all the draft busts of this decade, now time to rag on the horrific free agent signings. I will start with 2002's signing of Chris Childs. Supposed the backup point guard to help spell Jason Kidd, Childs showed up insanely overweight and was suspended by the team. In fact, one of the funniest moments I can remember was the nascent YES Network showing a "behind the scenes" in the Nets locker room. Peaking around the corner, they showed Chris Childs on a trainer's table - EATING A SANDWICH! Needless to say, he only played 12 games before getting the boot (his stay was so short, I could not find a good picture of him for this entry). Fortunately, steady Anthony Johnson was able to return back to the Nets.

Now, onto the top 5, or as I call them, the Malicious Ms

5. Jamaal Magloire

Basically, this was Chris Childs, part 2. This signing makes me angrier, however, since it was the THIRD strike by Nets management (Childs being number 1, and I will get to number 2 in a bit). As soon as they made this signing, I remember telling everyone who would listen, "Well, it would just be easier to light $4,000,000 on fire." But that's just stupid, nobody would do that. Except, perhaps, Ed Stefanski and Rod Thorn. This signing did have one upside, though. Defenders of the signing would always bring up "He was a former All-Star!" Yes, so was Chris Gatling, but nobody is reaching out to sign him. After this failure, though, I have yet to hear another casual basketball use this argument. Thanks, Jamaal!

4. Dikembe Mutumbo

Pat Riley used to speak of the "Disease of More" destroying basketball teams. Succinctly, once a team becomes successful, the players stop looking out for the greater good of the team, and start demanding more for themselves. They want more shots, more playing time, and ultimately, more money. However, what the 2002-03 Nets succumbed to was the "Disease of Mutumbo". In this disease, a competitive team thinks they can improve themselves by trading away role players for an aging veteran. This veteran does not mesh with the team's style at all, and everything falls apart. Examples include: 2000-01 Sixers (Ratliff and spare parts for Mutumbo), 2002-03 Nets (Van Horn and McCulloch for Mutumbo), and the 2007-08 Suns (Marion for Shaq).

Anyway, Mutumbo never meshed with the Nets, got injured early, and eventually was bought out of his contract in the largest buy-out in NBA history. I still wonder what Van Horn's outside shooting would have done to bust up the Spurs' zone defense in the 2003 Finals.

3. Stephon Marbury

"All Alone 33" was mercifully only on the Nets for a brief period of time this decade. However, I never felt more hopeless as a fan than in the 1999-2000 season. The Nets had no young prospects, no real coach, no cap room, etc. At least with this current menagerie, you can look at youth and cap room as positive indicators. Not so when knuckleheads like Marbury and Kendall Gill are running the joint.

Once Marbury had left the building, Nets fans knew it was only going to get worse. I secretly delighted in watching him sabotage the Suns and the Knicks. I loved watching Knicks fans trying to talk themselves into Marbury in the 2004 season, knowing full well what craziness they were about to get into. I didn't bat an eye when "truck party" splashed across the New York Post's back page. Hell, I bet Marbury also led to Kevin Garnett's knee injury and the collapse of the 2009 Celtics. I'll just end this with a highlight real of Marbury's greatest hits.

2. Alonzo Mourning

Unlike the other horrific signings mentioned earlier (Childs, Magloire), I was very pumped when the Nets got Alonzo Mourning. Perhaps it was a by-product of my happiness about resigning Jason Kidd, which occurred the same day. But little did I know the crap-show that would unfold.

After Mourning joined the team, the Nets had a glut of big men. They knew this once signing him, but for some reason, Rod Thorn waited until just before the season to buy-out Dikembe Mutumbo (mentioned earlier). This ticked off Mourning, as they were both teammates at Georgetown. I did not like this either, as the Nets were always prone to injury, and depth soon disappeared quickly. I mentioned this in my woefully accurate preseason hype article. So the Nets eventually had to battled the 2003-04 season with just Jason Collins and Aaron Williams.

After the 2004 fire sale, Mourning continued to complain. And whine. And cry. Eventually, the Nets moved his ass to Toronto as part of the Vince Carter trade. He got bought out there, and since he did not have enough talent to win on his own, he decided to ride the coattails of the Miami Heat. Since he sucked hard, they didn't play him that much, allowing him time to take pot-shots at the Nets, accusing Lawrence Frank and Rod Thorn of trying to kill him. By 2006, however, Mourning and his new-found steroids....

(Hold on, just take a look. Before:)

(After:)

Anyway, he won a ring in 2006, along with some other guys you will always associate as great team players and winners like Jason Williams and Antoine Walker. This Finals will always go down as one of the shadiest series, as the refereeing has been constantly called into question. He would continue to show his class by taunting Nets fans at games in New Jersey the following season. Eventually, he destroyed his knee and had to retire. Good for him. Here's a Mourning highlight reel to end this:

1. Jeff McInnis

Has any player more appropriately worn the number 0? Jeff McInnis was strike 2 in the "Let's find a backup point guard for Kidd" idea. And, the Nets clearly did not learn their lessons from the first time with Chris Childs. So they failed with an aging, selfish point guard - and decided to sign an aging, selfish point guard for MORE money and MORE years? That, my friends, is what pushes this to number 1. Many of the previous mistakes (Magloire, Mutumbo, Childs) were resolved within a year. The McInnis drama dragged out for two excruciating years. Off the court, it hurt not only because of the roster spot, but the money pushed the Nets dangerously close to the luxury tax. On the court and in the locker room, he made it crystal clear that his cancer reputation was not given to him frivolously, but dutifully earned.

On other Nets teams, McInnis wouldn't be so bad. Either the team was good enough to overcome this roster blunder (as the 2002-04 Nets did with Childs, Zoran, Mourning, and Mutumbo), or they weren't good enough for these blunders to even matter (the 2007-09 Nets with Simmons, Magloire, and the Williamses). But the 2005-07 Nets were so tantalizingly close to being very competitive - hitting the second round twice - that this gaping wound on the roster just grew and festered. After a year and a half, he was shipped out for Bernard Robinson (who?), who was eventually turned into David Wesley, who just flat-out never showed up and retired. Something I wish Jeff McInnis did.

Netcade - Top 10 Nets Players of the 00s

2009-12-26T22:00:00.001-05:00

Gone Podcastin' Part 5

2009-12-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

Click here to listen to me make another appearance on the world renowned Brad Bogner Show!

The subject is partial basketball, but mostly my upcoming stand-up comedy debut at Caroline's on Broadway. My set is killer, so if you are a fan of my writing, you should make an appearance. The show is on Sunday, December 13th, at 4:30PM. Caroline's is located on 49th and Broadway. Make sure to call 212-757-4100 to reserve tickets, and say you are there for me (Rory Toohey, that is).

If you are enjoying the Brad Bogner Show, make sure to subscribe on iTunes.

There will be a slight delay in Nets articles, but I will be back with a renewed fury next week.

Even The Losers Get Lucky Sometimes

2009-12-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

It couldn't have been that easy to forget about them.

Yes, the Nets have finally shown up for the 2009-2010 season. And, it has been interesting to see the reaction from not just Nets fans, but sports fans in general. Since the losing streak became national attention, it seems that every casual fan began rooting for the Nets. I would discuss the streak with friends and co-workers, and even those that were Knicks fans (my sworn enemies) said they were looking for the Nets to break the streak.

After the final minutes of last night's victory, I received several congratulatory texts. In past articles on this blog, I discussed how when the Nets became successful in 2001-02, people would congratulate me (as if I had something to do with it at all). There were shades of this again after the win, but now with a stinging ironic flavor.

Before we move on, let me say a few words about the dearly departed Lawrence Frank. I was a Frank supporter since Day 1. I had gotten sick of Byron Scott, as the rest of the team clearly was. This team had been to two Finals, and now was playing .500 ball? Something was clearly wrong. In steps Frank, who introduces concepts foreign to Byron, such as watching game tape, talking during time-outs, and not sleeping before games. The Nets reel off 13 wins in a row, and are back in the championship hunt. I contend that Frank brought that Nets closer to the championship than any coach, as the Nets took the eventual NBA champions (the Pistons) to a seventh game. The previous Finals appearances ended in four and six games.

I always felt Frank did the most with a poor cast of characters. He yanked career seasons from NBA misfits like Mikki Moore and Boki Nachbar. He squeezed out productive years from aging veterans like Cliff Robinson and Travis Best. There has not been one player of note whose career has skyrocketed since leaving the Nets during this time. Frank's masterpiece definitely has to be the 2005-06 season. Take a look at this roster again. Excluding the players who played less than 10 games, that team had five players who were out of the league less than two years later (Robinson, McInnis, Jackson, Padgett, Murray). John Thomas had to play in EIGHT playoff games due to the lack of depth on that team. And they still won 49 games and got to the second round of the playoffs! The eventual champions, the Miami Heat, took them down, but I can't help wonder if things would have gone differently if Cliff Robinson didn't pick up a bong that week.

Frank was not perfect, but was still an above average coach. I always felt he suffered because he did not delegate enough work to his assistant coaches (something Lord Byron clearly did not have a problem with). However, Byron was flanked by two great assistants - Eddie Jordan and Frank. Once Jordan left, things went downhill fast. Frank's best assistant was Brian Hill - his mentor. Brian Hill was a fine assistant as well, but nothing close to having Jordan and Frank as your wingmen. Although, it should be noted that Brian Hill left this offseason to go to Detroit. While correlation does not equal causation, I think it should be noted how valuable having good assistant coaches is to a team.

Putting the praise and the excuses aside, I cannot oppose his firing. I don't care who you are or what your roster is, an 0-16 record is indefensible. At that point, you need to try everything. But, I had mixed feelings with Kiki coming in to coach.

The "rumored" story goes like this - Kiki never liked Frank. Then Kiki would whisper to Devin Harris about Frank. Harris became the leader of the revolution. Unfortunately, the only people on his side were clowns like Bobby Simmons, Sean Williams, and Eduardo Najera. Since he was fired last Sunday, Frank has become a basketball martyr and Kiki has been painted as a scheming egotist. Is any of this true? I have no idea. But, through my years of watching and reading about the NBA, I have learned one thing - believe every single rumor you hear (even the ones that contradict each other).

I have met both Frank and Kiki in the past, and definitely was more impressed with Frank. He was more friendly and very attentive - I felt like he really listened to what I was saying. Kiki struck me as humorless and slightly defensive. So, while I didn't want to start rooting against the Nets' new coach before he even took the court, my guard was up. This article didn't exactly inspire me either. Shooting free throws for half of practice? Getting laughed at by Doug Moe? This did not sound like a recipe for success.

But, talk is cheap. And all that matters is the Nets have that new number in the left hand column of the standings. Is this another dead coach bounce like critics of Lawrence Frank have claimed in the past? It is hard to say, but it is suspicious that Kiki took over before a stretch of "winnable" games, as opposed to taking over Wednesday at Dallas. I will be on high-alert should more "evil Kiki" stories arise, but for now I have no complaints with the man.

Eighteen, I Get Confused Everyday

2009-12-02T23:00:00.001-05:00

Eighteen. I just don't know what to say.

I've gotta get out of this place. I'll go running in outer space.

Well, I've been in New Orleans the past week, but returned home. Boy, did I miss quite a weekend. I'm going to ditch the "Three Point Land" format, since everybody already knows the scores and the games. But, I will be updating the blog regularly, at least every three games (if not more).

The Nets are now the greatest of all losers. It is quite an accomplishment. As a fan, I know I am powerless. I am not personally involved with the team's performance in any tangible way. So, rationally, I should be able to let this slide and get on with my day. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Every time something awful happens to another team in sports, I do get a sense of joy. "Schadenfreude" is not quite the correct word, as I am not actively rooting for these events to happen. It was wonderful watching the Mavs lose to the Warriors, and the Detroit Lions go 0-16. Hell, I even found some satisfaction in the Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead against Boston, even though I am a Yankees fan. Why?

Because at least these things did not happen to the Nets.

Now, I cannot say that. The Nets were always able to skirt by the public with a low profile. Last week, I compared their franchise history to the Knicks and Magic. Both teams have had ups and downs, but the last 20 years of each franchise has been pretty unremarkable.

But, yesterday the Nets entered the record book as the first team to start 0-18. And, I have a feeling they will be entering the record book again at the end of the season. They are now in the rankings of the Clippers, Cubs, Pirates, Lions, etc. The feeling is pretty awful.

As a fan, the natural instinct is to find a scapegoat. And really, at 0-18, everyone is guilty in some degree. Management blamed ex-coach Frank, who I will discuss this weekend, after Coach Kiki's first game. The more I read about that whole situation, the more complicated it becomes. Ex-players like Kidd and Martin have blamed Ratner. I hate that guy as well, but aside from the Summer of 2004, he has been pretty hands-off. Sure, the Nets were working with a limited budget, but so are 75% of the other teams in the NBA.

For now, my blame on this goes to Rod Thorn. He has always been savvy with the media - I think his folksy drawl weakens their defenses. I'll admit, he's a hard man to criticize. But, in 2004 and 2007, he acted like a crooked Wall Street CEO, making rash short-term decisions that have finally caught up with him in the long-term. I speak, of course, of Richard Jefferson's and Vince Carter's contract extensions.

In 2004, after losing Kenyon Martin, fans were fuming, and Thorn panicked. He exceedingly overpaid Richard Jefferson to the tune of $78 million over six years. In 2007, in a bidding war with nobody, Thorn extended an aging Vince Carter for $60 million over four years. The latter contract pissed off Kidd, destroying the 2007-08 season and forcing this rebuilding process to occur. These two contracts became albatrosses, and the team had to gut its talent to take them off the books. Basically, the Nets let their second-best player, emotional leader, and starting power forward go to overpay their small forward, and resigned a shooting guard to sell a few tickets instead of their franchise changing point guard.

But, the blame game sucks. I'd rather play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Anyway, I try to remain annoyingly positive, as this too shall pass. The previous record holder was the 88-89 Miami Heat, and they ended up winning a championship 17 years later. (What? They beat the Nets in the second round that year with dicey calls and a dumb suspension on Cliff Robinson? Fuck. Let me do another example).

The worst team of all-time is the 72-73 Sixers, and they won a championship ten years later. (What? They won because the Nets had to sell them their franchise leader and future Hall of Famer Julius Erving? Um...)

....

Go West, Life Is Peaceful There - 3PL, 11/19 to 11/26

2009-11-26T20:00:00.007-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Nets fans! And, happy birthday to the most handsome Nets blogger: Me!

At this point, I think all Nets fans need to just go with the flow. Just sit back, and let the current take you away. Many people are under the impression that if a team plays enough games, they are "due" a win. Fact is: the other team wants to win, too. The NBA is not a charity. The losers, such as the Nets, will be beat into submission.

They are the 2008 Lions. Accept it, and let us move on to next season.

Record Needed To Avoid Being The Worst NBA Team Ever: 10-57 (0.149)

November 21st - vs. New York, 91-98 Loss

The Knicks are my least favorite team in the league. Not because of their personnel, but because of the way their fans and media treat them. There is a sense of entitlement, that the Knicks deserve to be a good team. They believe that they are on the same level as the Bulls, Lakers, and Celtics.

This is all complete bullshit. The last time the Knicks won a title, the NBA talent was being diluted by the ABA, and I was minus 10 years old. Nobody under 40 remembers them being a champion. When it comes to being a "storied franchise", they have accomplished just as much as the Nets. Don't believe me? Let's compare

An up-and-down decade? Both did this in the 80s.

A decade of suckitude? The Nets did this in the 90s, and the Knicks did this in the 00s.

A decade of dominance, marked by a few division titles and two Eastern Conference championships, but losing in the Finals both times? The Nets did this in the 00s, and the Knicks did this in the 90s. On a side note, I am much more impressed by the Nets playoff runs, as they never, ever choked. The Nets never lost a playoff series where they had home-court advantage. In fact, they won two great series as underdogs - the first round in 2007 versus Toronto, and the conference finals in 2003 versus Detroit. They could never match the choke artistry of the 1995 Knicks.

A number 1 draft pick expected to be the franchise savior, but just went on to be a disappointment? The Nets had two swings at this - Derrick Coleman and Kenyon Martin. The Knicks only had Patrick Ewing, but hung onto him way too long.

So, clearly, when you think about the Knicks, please just lump them in with the Nets. Or the dozens of other teams that have a similar history - like the Magic, Jazz, Mavericks, Trailblazers, etc.

November 24th - At Denver, 87-101 Loss

And so begins the Nets annual western road trip. More on it below. But, in this "recap", I have to talk about the Denver Nuggets a bit. I am strongly against rooting for two teams, but as I realized in the playoffs, I like the Denver Nuggets. I will crown them the official Slippery When Nets Second Favorite Team Award As Long As The Nets Are Not Competing With Them for 2010. The SWNSFTAALATNANCWT10 for short. And here are the reasons why:

- The Nets and Nuggets have no discernible rivalry as far as I can tell. Can anyone name a classic game these two teams have played? If you select a second favorite team, the first imperative is that they cannot be considered a rival in any sense. So that eliminates all division teams, most Eastern Conference teams, and definitely the Spurs and the Lakers.

- KEN-YON MAR-TIN! I still love this guy.

- Back when I started following basketball in the mid-90s, I gravitated toward Orlando. But, my second favorite team back then? The Seattle Supersonics. Shawn Kemp was my man (also born today!), but I enjoyed watching their chubby little coach. Said chubby coach is now on Denver, and, god bless him, still choking in the playoffs.

- The fourth and final reason for choosing the Nuggets: a franchise history very similar to the Nets. Both were ABA brethren, both have had Kiki come in and raze the franchise to the ground, both have had little postseason success until trading for a franchise point guard, etc. The parallels are eerie.

All this being said, I still rooted my heart out for the Nets to win this game. Unfortunately, I still have yet to figure out how to control events that I am not tangibly involved in.

November 25th - At Portland, 83-93 Loss

OK, back to the Nets' dreaded western road trip. It always happens during the Thanksgiving holiday, as the Izod Center is occupied by Disney On Ice.

Which brings up an interesting question: What will happen when the Nets move to Brooklyn (or, perhaps to the Prudential Center)? In a "normal" season, the Nets will start out pretty average, but then lose momentum with this trip. But, since Disney won't be kicking them out of the house, could the western trip be moved back to later in the season, allowing them to grow better as a team and gain more confidence? Could this change the dynamic of the Nets as we know it? I mean, the Nets have only won over 50 games once, and clearly, this western road trip is to blame. It is something to think about for the future.

Random Thought: I'm turning 25 today, and this will be the first year of my life where the Nets have less wins than my age.

On that note, enjoy the holidays, folks!

Three Point Land - November 14th through November 18th

2009-11-19T22:00:00.007-05:00

It's over. Revising my prediction YET AGAIN! I originally predicted 25 wins, then chopped that in half to 12 wins. Now?

Six.

Trust me, I am not overreacting, or trying some lame reverse jinx. Given what has happened this season, and the effort I have seen from the players and coaching staff, I am not convinced there are ANY games the Nets can win this season.

People will say they have tons of injuries, and when they get healthy, they will win. Well, my argument is two-pronged. First, you cannot assume that when the other players get healthy, the current players will ALSO stay healthy. Guys like Rafer Alston, Trenton Hassell, and Eduardo Najera are very old, and should not be logging huge minutes. Case in point: Najera went down as soon as CDR came back. Also, players are not normally at full strength after coming back from injury, so the working them back up to speed will take longer.

But, the more depressing thing is: look who we are counting on to save our season. Yi Jianlian. Courtney Lee. Jarvis Hayes. Devin is fine, but these guys aren't going to make us instant winners again. To paraphrase Rick Pitino: Jason Kidd isn't walking through that door. Richard Jefferson isn't walking through that door. Kenyon Martin isn't walking through that door. They are an awful team now, and will still be very bad even at full strength.

Record Needed To Avoid Being The Worst NBA Team Ever: 10-60 (0.143)

Anyway, onto the recaps, which will, unfortunately, have more venting.

November 14th - At Miami, 80-81 Loss

Yet another game I didn't watch, because I was out eating sushi and drinking sake. However, that did not stop my phone from being inundating with calls and texts from my fellow Nets fans. I am an atheist, but thank Jeebus I didn't watch this game. My friends called this one of the most frustrating losses they ever saw. Clearly, they have short memories, as from what I can tell, the Minnesota loss to open the season was way worse - blowing a huge lead, and losing to a bad team.

November 17th - vs. Indiana, 83-91 Loss

OK, I was very excited about this game. First, I loved the Nets marketing campaign:

Oh man, how could you see that and NOT get pumped. 10 IS ENOUGH! PACK THE IZOD! FUCK YEAH!

Well, I did go to pack the Izod, which was still probably three-quarters empty. And, let me sum this one up: Ten was not enough.

The Pacers started with a 9-0 run, and never looked back. This loss, to me, was more disappointing than the Miami loss. There was no effort, no heart, no glimmer of hope. It was after this game that I revised my prediction and wrote the opening to this article (before even accounting for the inevitable loss at Milwaukee).

And, a special note to Brook Lopez: WAKE UP! Seriously, enough with the 20-footers. Hibbert took you to school in this game with - get this - POST MOVES! A tall guy using his height and strength to play inside? A novel idea, Brook. You might want to look into it.

November 18th - At Milwaukee, 85-99 Loss

Basically, I'm all vented out at this point. I missed this game due to the comedy class, but was able to write the above entries and opening without knowing the outcome of this game. You see, there is no reason to have any confidence they will win. They will be record-settingly bad.

I'm sorry if this entry depressed my loyal readers, but it is the truth. They are the 2008 Lions. I had not fully come to terms with this earlier, but now I have. I've said my piece, and I will move on. Future entries will go back to their normal, funnier tone.

Three Point Land - November 7th through November 13th

2009-11-14T14:00:00.001-05:00

So far this season, the Nets have lost players due to a sore knee, a strained right groin, a strained left groin, a strained hamstring, a sore hip, and a sprained MCL. Oh yeah, and swine flu. The reason behind all this? My guess is a band of gypsies that Mikhail Prokhorov pissed off has cursed the team. Anyway, let's get right down to the nitty-gritty.

Record Needed To Avoid Being The Worst NBA Team Ever: 10-63 (0.136)

November 7th - vs. Boston, 75-86 Loss

As mentioned in the previous post, I was in the happiest place in New Jersey last Saturday: Atlantic City! I stayed at the El Dorado Motel, which had almost two stars on Hotels.com! Highlights of the trip included:

- My friend OB devouring a mashed potato "sundae" at the buffet. Basically, to find the potatoes, one would have to dig through a mountain of gravy, cheese, and bacon. My arteries clogged just watching him eat it.

- Not losing! Between two trips to Vegas and about a half-dozen trips to Atlantic City, blackjack has gotten me well over four figures in the hole. However, I only played sparingly this trip, and ended up nearly $40. Rather than gamble, I refocused my energy on drinking - where nobody loses!

- The drinking eventually led to dancing to "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe at vacant card tables at the Tropicana. That's what I love about casinos - as long as you aren't being violent or naked, they will allow you pretty much to act as zany as you want. However, I did end up seeing a catfight at the Tropicana later that night.

- Most importantly, I missed watching the Nets! From the sounds of it, our boys put up a good fight, but a short bench means more minutes, which means players get tired by the end. It is encouraging to see that they aren't getting blown-out all the time, but man, you can only have so many "moral victories" before needing to have one of those...what do you call them...oh yeah, REAL victories.

November 11th - vs. Philadelphia, 79-82 Loss

Eight is enough! Another game I missed, due to it being on Wednesday. You see, I signed up for a 6-week comedy class on Wednesday evenings, and had no idea it would conflict with the Nets games so much. I never really paid attention to what days of the week the Nets played, but here is the breakdown:

Sundays: 8

Mondays: 7

Tuesdays: 10

Wednesdays: 24

Thursdays: 0

Fridays: 17

Saturdays: 16

Thursday is absent because of TNT's stranglehold on the night. I think this teaches an important lesson to all fans of shitty basketball teams: plan your nights away from the TV on Thursdays.

November 13th - At Orlando, 72-88 Loss

I only watched the first half of this game, because I had made plans to go out. Again, looking at the schedule, Fridays and Saturdays have the second and third most scheduled Nets games, so having a social life is not in a Nets fan's best interest.

During the first half, when the Nets were up 10, I told my roommate: "It will be close until half-time, and then Orlando will pull away in the third." As much as I hate it, I'm proud to chalk this up to my other correct predictions this year, such as blowing the lead versus Minnesota and being fearful of the backcourt depth.

Random Thought: LeBron James announced he was changing his number from #23 to #6. It is interesting, because the Nets have #23 already retired (in honor of John Williamson). Currently, Courtney Lee wears #6. However, early mock-ups of the reversible jersey promo had Courtney Lee wearing #33. Why the switch to #6? Did they consult with LeBron before? Conspiracy theorists, go!

The Future Three: The suffering cannot continue much longer, right? Miami (tonight) will be tough. But, two days of rest and at home for Indiana? With possibly Devin Harris and Courtney Lee returning? That game is, dare I say, a must win! After that, they are on the road versus Milwaukee. These are two winnable games, and if this team has any heart (and, more importantly, if they can stay healthy), they will win one. But, as any Nets fan knows, always expect the worst.

Three Point Land - November 2nd through November 6th

2009-11-07T12:00:00.006-05:00

This team is breaking me. I'm getting legitimately worried that this might be the worst team in NBA history. Let me halve my prediction from 25 wins to 12 wins. Here's the tracker:

Record Needed To Avoid Being The Worst NBA Team Ever: 10-66 (0.131).

Injuries have taken their toll, and the countdown to Johnny Wall and/or LeBron James has begun. I can't even enjoy watching these games right now, so let me tell you what I have been doing instead.

November 2nd - At Charlotte, 68-79 Loss

Like a moron, I had a really good feeling about this. So much so, I wagered my pennies on the Nets to win at centsports.com. I watched the first half, and, while ugly, the Nets were up, and I felt supremely confident. With the Nets leading (and the Yankees up 1-0), I left to see the Fuck Buttons at Bowery Ballroom.

Little did I realize the doom that would descend upon both teams. A 24-0 run. 10 minutes without scoring. Yi getting hurt for a month. It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. This game could not have gone any worse. At the concert, I was constantly checking my phones for updates. This is not a good strategy, as I nearly smashed the machine in disgust.

November 4th - vs. Denver, 94-122 Loss

Game? What game? I was out at the bars in Midtown, spending too much money (the damage came to about $80), BUT...I was watching champions! 27 baby!

(OK, everyone who knows me knows I don't give two shits about baseball. Although, my team has been the Yankees, if anything because they are closest to where I live, and they have the same team colors as my two other favorites - the Nets and the Giants. However, with the Nets setting franchise records in futility, and the Giants struggling for God knows why, I definitely overcompensated by following the relatively stress-free Yankees this post-season.)

November 6th - At Philadelphia, 94-97 Loss

Unlike the last two games, I actually sat down and watched this game, from soup to nuts. This was completely against my better judgment. At half-time, down only three, I got the sinking feeling this game would break my heart (again). And guess what?

I'm going to Atlantic City today. I cannot watch the Celtics game. The roster is completely depleted, and so am I. I'm conceding the next 4 games. Hopefully, November 17th at home against Indiana will be a win. Hopefully.

Three Point Land - October 28th through November 1st

2009-11-02T17:00:00.003-05:00

Well, this is my first blogging season, and I was not sure how to handle it. I do not have the time to recap and analyze every game, and, as my regular readers know, I suck at game analysis. However, what I will (try) to do this season is a new feature called "Three Point Land", where I will just say whatever thoughts I've been able to garner over three games. Here we go!

October 28th - At Minnesota, 93-95 Loss

Man, it is GOOD to have basketball back in my life. Frankly, I was sick of football by week one, and, according to how they schedule the World Series, we still have three more months of baseball. New season, new opportunities!

However, the Nets know how to suck the joy out of everything. I was out at a comedy class earlier in the night, and came back to catch the entire fourth quarter. Immediately when I turned on the game, I did not like the body language. It seemed like they were playing not to lose. When the Nets were leading 87-75 with six minutes left, I turned to my roommate and said, "I think we're going to blow this game." He said I was being crazy. I'm not normally right about things, and I hate it when I am.

Man, though, Jonny Flynn is AMAZING. Also, I think it was pretty clear that Kurt Rambis had an axe to grind against Lawrence Frank for shattering his record for most consecutive wins by a new head coach.

The good thing about doing this blog is how cathartic is it. The Nets used to frustrate me immensely - so much so that a bad loss could ruin my night. But, recently, I have been feeling at peace with this crazy team. Until the end of that first game. I seriously considered posting that night, but figured nobody wanted to read my bitter tears in blog form. Plus, there's only so many ways to write "FUCK THIS TEAM!!!!"

October 30th - Orlando, 85-95 Loss

After that opening game (combined with the rape-down Orlando laid on Philly), I figured I was walking into an execution. However, I read the excerpts from the Tim Donaghy book, in which he accused Dick Bavetta of favoring the lesser teams to keep a close game. Needless to say, Dick Bavetta was reffing this game, and the Nets were never completely out of it until the end. Coincidence?

I was also at this game. The atmosphere is getting more depressing - seeing four entire sections closed off did not help. Vince received a nice applause, although I was not at my seat at the time. The half-price food was good, and helped offset the cost of the much-needed alcohol. This loss was much easier to digest than the first one with a mild buzz going on.

October 31st - At Washington, 104-123 Loss

OK, I didn't watch a minute of the game. The box score suggests I didn't miss much. Not that I'm the coolest guy in the world (I think I'm as cool as a Nets blogger can be), but it was Halloween Saturday in New York City - there were way more awesome things to do than watch my awful team. I dressed as Elvis! And drank and ate candy! Sweet!

Random Thought: The Nets' slogan is More Than A Game. The LeBron James documentary is called More Than A Game. Hm...

The Future Threes: I think the Nets will get their first win of the tonight against Charlotte. Book it! Followed by two more abortions against Denver and Philly. Three down, only 79 more to go...

Pacific Division Previews

2009-11-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

The season is underway, but there's still time to preview the season! Click away!

Golden State Warriors Previews
Golden State of Mind

Los Angeles Clippers Previews
Clips Nation

Los Angeles Lakers Previews
Silver Screen and Roll
With Malice
NBA Tipoff
Hoops Addict
Forum Blue and Gold

Phoenix Suns Previews
Bright Side of the Sun
Binary Basketball

Sacramento Kings Previews
Sactown Royalty
Basketball Fiend
Cowbell Kingdom

You Have Nothing Better To Do On A Friday

2009-10-28T15:00:00.003-04:00

Seriously, you don't. Trust me, I know my demographic, and if you are reading this, you probably can't tell me something that is more interesting than going to a Nets game on a Friday. I have already my tickets (Section 117, Row 16!), but something tells me that you may not. What can you do?

Well, there's this site called Fanrates.com, which has a system of getting tickets at reduced costs, straight from the teams themselves (rather than the bartering system used on sites like Stubhub). Plus, they've got this nifty logo that makes good use of the iconic foam-fingered fan:

I mean, just look at the rates to Nets games. Many tickets are 50% off. For my money, I'd go for the $21 seats. Then, at the end of the first quarter, go down to the lower section and tell the security guard a riddle. Might I suggest:

Brothers and sisters, I have none.
But this man's father is my father's son.

(Hint: It's you!)

While he is distracted, sneak down to the seats closer to the court. Bingo! Discount ticket for AMAZING seats! All thanks to Fanrates.com and me!

Also, if you somehow can't make it Friday, Fanrates.com is doing a special offer where all tickets you buy in November will get you a free ticket to the Jazz game on December 16th. It has never been cheaper to be a Nets fan.

It's Nets Season Eve!

2009-10-27T21:00:00.005-04:00

Did you hang up your basketball socks by the fire? Have you been good fans all offseason? It is Nets Season Eve, and I'm pumped. However, prior plans means I can't watch tomorrow night's game. Bummer. But, I have tickets to Friday's game, and the return of Half-Prodigal Son, Half-Blame Him For Everything Wrong With the NBA. I'll be in Section 117, Row 16, on the end. So, if you are not a crazy stalker (and maybe if you are), stop by and see me.

Last week, I had an awesome give-away for awesome tickets at The Rock. Now, the Nets are flirting with a potential move to Newark temporarily until the Brooklyn arena is built. Coincidence, or a sign of the massive power that Slipperywhennets.com is attaining? I think the answer is quite clear. While I usually get my predictions wrong, I did say that the best way to keep the Nets in New Jersey was to go to the Newark preseason games.

(On a side note, I did not learn my lesson from my prediction failures, and participated in an over/under game with other Nets bloggers on Nets Are Scorching. Feel free to click, then point and laugh.)

Anyway, onto some of the photos from our winners. Here's Mark Hand's photos. He had some camera difficulties, but like Angus MacGyver, he was able to work with what he had:

Mark said he spent a lot of time in the lounge areas of the concourse. It looks pretty swanky here. The Izod Center has places like this (which I chronicled here), but they are not open to everybody.

A couple nice action shots, but it is missing a certain something...

There we go! Thanks, Mark!

The other winner was Denis Jatsiv. Let's see what he provided me...

...

Clearly, Mark got the memo about cheerleader pics, and Denis did not.

(Just kidding! I love the Nets Senior Dance Team! Go see Gotta Dance, available on DVD!)

Anyone who knows me knows my love of shiny lights. That's why I moved even closer to Times Square. This is one sweet scoreboard.

Woah, was there a fight in this game that I wasn't aware of?

I love the look of the players on the Nets' bench in these two photos. Basically, the poses of Brook Lopez in picture 1, Sean Williams in picture 2, and Josh Boone in picture 2 are the only three poses I have while I'm at work.

Anyway, thanks for the photos guys.

Let the games begin. My brother's prediction was 8 wins, my mom's prediction was 83. My prediction? Pain.

Northwest Division Previews!

2009-10-23T20:00:00.000-04:00

I've got some great pics from the lucky contest winners, and I'll have the goods up this weekend. Until then, go visit these awesome team previews from the Northwest division:

Denver Nuggets Previews
Denver Stiffs
The Nugg Doctor

Minnesota Timberwolves Previews
Canis Hoopus
Empty The Bench
Twolves Blog

Zombie Sonics Previews
Blue Blitz
Daily Thunder

Portland Trail Blazers Previews
Blazers Edge
A Stern Warning
Rip City Project
Blaze of Love
Busta Bucket
Trail Post

Utah Jazz Previews
SLC Dunk
True Blue Jazz

SLIPPERYWHENNETS DOT BLOGSPOT NO MORE!

2009-10-21T18:12:00.003-04:00

You smell that? That's the smell of legitimacy. Or $10 wasted.

Yes, I am now at Slipperywhennets.com! Like a big boy site!

Also, please send your future e-mails and love letters to slipperywhennets (at) gmail.

Contest Over!

2009-10-20T18:13:00.001-04:00

No more e-mails, please. I've already found two lucky fans to venture to Newark for the game.

Preseason Hype: YOUR Turn!

2009-10-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Do you want to take my picture? Because I can't remember." - Filter

Above are the shattered remains of my digital camera screen. I had gone to 3 Bruce Springsteen shows out of 5 in Giants Stadium earlier this month, and by the third show, The Boss had rocked me so hard that he shattered the camera screen. The camera was a free gift I won at work, so do not cry for me. This tragedy has created opportunity!

You see, I have access to FOUR Nets tickets tomorrow at the Prudential Center in Newark. And, I am just giving them away! There are two things you must do, so follow carefully:

1. E-mail me at rory (dot) toohey (at) gmail.

2. Take a lot of pictures when you go to the game. I need you to be my eyes (being my ears, mouth, and nose is optional). I'm pretty sure I know how the game is going to go anyway: Nets play well in the first half, bench their starters, then blow a lead as Bobby Simmons goes 0-23. E-mail me your pictures, and I'll post them on the blog, perhaps with some commentary.

That's all it takes. So, I will open this up to the FIRST two people, and each person will get two tickets each.

So what are you waiting for?

Central Division Previews!

2009-10-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Time, once again, to study the opposition and figure out how to lose gracefully to them.

Chicago Bulls Previews
Blogabull.com
Give Me The Rock

Cleveland LeBroniers Previews
Fear The Sword
Waiting For Next Year
Cavalier Attitude

Detroit Pistons Previews
Motown String Music
Empty The Bench
Pistons Nation
Need4Sheed.com

Indiana Whiteys Previews
Indy Cornrows

Milwaukee Bucks Previews
Brew Hoop

Preseason Hype: The Backcourt

2009-10-15T20:00:00.002-04:00

One thing I've learned as a basketball fan is that preseason performances usually mean jack shit. However, I can't help but getting myself worked up over certain aspects of preseason each year. This month, I'll interject with random ramblings based on meaningless exhibition games.

The Hype:Boy, is there a glut in the backcourt! The Nets might be the deepest team in the point guard, shooting guard, and small forward positions. Between those three positions, there are eight players - young and old - jockeying for playing time. All of them have legitimate cases to earn over 20 minutes a game. Let's run it down:

Devin Harris: The current face of the franchise, the All-Star, and one of only two guaranteed starters on the roster.

Courtney Lee: A starter on an NBA Finals team who was traded for a franchise superstar and expected to fill his big shoes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Devin Harris' story?

Chris Douglas-Roberts: Had an unimpressive rookie year, but has been playing very well this preseason. Without consistent playing time, the Nets will not figure out what they have in him.

Keyon Dooling: He put in a terrific season last year, probably one of the best by a Nets backup point guard in a decade. He's battling a hip injury, but should be fine for the season opener.

Rafer Alston: Another starter from last year's Eastern Conference champions. He's the oldest of this bunch, but can still start on many teams.

Terrence Williams: The first-round pick receiving a lot of hype. "The Superstar of Practice". He'll probably get limited minutes at first, but needs to have opportunity to grow.

Jarvis Hayes, Bobby Simmons: Two players who can do yeoman's work at the small forward (and in Simmons case, occasionally power forward) position. They probably will not be on the team next year, but they provide veteran presence, and will need to play to make sure the Nets aren't blow out every game.

Having too much depth is a wonderful problem to have, and it will be interesting to see how Lawrence Frank plays them, or who Rod Thorn trades.

The Reality: Depth can disappear quickly. In 2003, after re-signing Jason Kidd and signing Alonzo Mourning, the Nets were stuck with three starting centers - Jason Collins, Alonzo Mourning, and Dikembe Mutumbo. So Rod Thorn bought out Mutumbo. Then, within a month, Alonzo Mourning went out for the season, and the Nets' depth went from three to one.

Players WILL get hurt. Courtney Lee has been nicked up all preseason. Devin Harris has had some ankle issues the last two years. Dooling is recovering from a hip injury. Rafer and Simmons are getting older.

Furthermore, the young players MAY be awful. Delano and Terrence-osaurus are producing in preseason, but it is only that - preseason. When the lights turn on, they could wilt. Furthermore, the older players may find themselves in decline.

So, while this looks very deep in these positions on paper, this competitive advantage could quickly disappear in the regular season. But hey, it is preseason, which means it is Team Hype time.

Southwest Division Previews

2009-10-12T21:00:00.000-04:00

Apparently, not only are there other teams in other divisions besides the Atlantic, but there is also another conference! I vaguely recall some of these teams, but I suggest you also read up on the following teams by using these links:

The Dallas Owner-Looks-Poor-Compared-To-Provhorov-icks Previews
Mavs Moneyball
The Two Man Game
NBA Mate

The Houston Rockets Previews
The Dream Shake
Ballerblogger

The Memphis Grizzlies Previews
Three Shades of Blue

How is Byron Scott Still Coaching This Team? Previews
At the Hive
Hornets Hype

Richard Jefferson's Home (At Least For This Year) Previews
Pounding the Rock
Project Spurs

Wonderful! Keep checking back for more previews (and, also, the stuff I write about too).

Preseason Hype: Brook Lopez

2009-10-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

One thing I've learned as a basketball fan is that preseason performances usually mean jack shit. However, I can't help but getting myself worked up over certain aspects of preseason each year. This month, I'll interject with random ramblings based on meaningless exhibition games.

The Hype: Over the years, Nets fans have been seen all shapes and sizes of basketball players. There are those who truly suck, such as Soumaila Samake and Brandon Armstrong. We see those who get much hype, but never live up to it - your Hassan Adamses and Zoran Planicics.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are the players who are solid for several years, but never quite All-Stars (Richard Jefferson, Kerry Kittles). Then, you have your All-Stars - Devin Harris, Kenyon Martin, Vince Carter. And, finally, you have your Hall-of-Famer, the MVP candidate, the player who will lead your team to new heights and who you will be telling your grandchildren about when you are wallowing in senility. So far, only Jason Kidd belongs in this class.

So, I know I just explained the obvious - there are good and bad basketball players. Big revelation. Where am I going with this? Well, I like to think that, over the years, you can begin to identify the potential of where the players on your team, and how they will eventually be remembered. Devin Harris is already an All-Star, but I doubt he will reach the next echelon. But Brook Lopez?

I have to say, this preseason, he has looked absolutely scary. He looks like a man amongst boys, just scoring inside at will. There are a lot of comparisons to Tim Duncan, which sounds absurd, but he definitely has the body, and is younger than Tim Duncan was when he entered the NBA. Right now, I have a feeling in gut that Brook Lopez might be the next Hall-of-Fame Nets player, and we'll be seeing number 11 in the rafters in 20 years.

The Reality: OK, snap out of it. It is just TWO fucking preseason games, against teams with weak front lines. We will see how he does against the bigger teams in the NBA. Also, as his play improves, teams will start to shift their game plan to shut him down. Finally, a truly transformational player needs to make his teammates better, and I have not seen that yet in Brook's game.

But, there's hope. In a season that most pundits have written off as a rebuilding year (including myself), it will be interesting to see Brook's progression. Will he stall out, ala Al Horford, and not make a significant improvement? Or will he go where I think (well, "hope" might be more appropriate) he will - on a course to Springfield, Massachusetts?

But, as of now it is just...Preseason Hype.

Atlantic Division Previews

2009-10-06T19:00:00.001-04:00

You people read my sexy Nets preview this past week, now go ahead and educate yourself about the rest of the Nets' division rivals.

Celtics Previews
Celtics Blog
Loy's Place
Celtics 17
Red's Army
Hoops Addict
Celtics Central
Celtics Hub
Gino's Jungle

Nets Previews
Mine!
Barkley's Mouth

Knicks (BOO!) Previews
Posting and Toasting
Bandwagon Knick

76ers Previews
Liberty Ballers

Raptors Previews
RaptorsHQ.com
Hoops Addict

Wow, that's a lot of Celtics bloggers. Anyway, make with the clicking!

Me to Nets Marketing Department: "WTF dudes?"

2009-10-04T13:30:00.001-04:00

Nets fans were taken through a loop when Brett Yormark announced the Reversible Jersey idea. I have already explained this concept ad nausem. However, in all the promotions, all you saw were "artist's concepts" of the jerseys. Well, at the Nets Open Practice in Ramapo on Saturday, I got to see them first hand...brace yourselves:

As always, click on the images to see a bigger picture.

Ugh. These things look incredibly shitty. If you've ordered them thinking you would wear them and be instantly mistaken for LeBron James, you are shit out of luck. These look like cheap intramural jerseys! The jerseys are basically see-through mesh, and do not have any of the piping and details seen in authentic jerseys. So, way to go, Yormark - you not only pissed off fans who didn't like the idea, but these lackluster replicas will piss off those in support of the idea!

Other thoughts from the open practice: Chris Douglas-Roberts looked fantastic, Terrence-osaurus can handle the ball, don't believe the Yi hype, and Tony Sweet Battie looks incredibly gimpy. But, others have delved into this more deeply, so check Netsdaily for links to better analysis than mine. Meanwhile, I will leave you with some candid photos.

Lawrence Frank coaching:

Hassell, Brook, and Boone:

Terrence tucking in his jersey:

SWat, Courtney, and Frank have chat:

CDR addresses the crowd:

(Just a programming note as well: With the season getting underway, I will try to post more often, so keep checking back. I will probably deviate from the Monday schedule, but will have a minimum of one new update a week. Thank you for your continued support!)

Everything You Wanted to Know About the 2009 Nets...But Had Better Things To Do Than Ask

2009-10-02T08:00:00.006-04:00

Team Name: ~~Brooklyn~~ New Jersey Nets

Last Year’s Record: 34-48

Key Losses: Vince Carter, Ryan Anderson, Trust of the Fanbase, $25 Million

Key Additions: Courtney Lee, Terrence Williams, a scary Russian Billionaire, Ridiculous Marketing Decisions

1. What Significant Moves were made during the off-season?

This summer was a relaxing one for the Nets management. Team President Rod Thorn and General Manager Kiki Vandeweghe spent the summer in Sandy Hook, chasing girls in their Camaro while blasting Sugar Ray's Greatest Hits. Their blissful summer nights consisted of laying on the roof of the car, drinking warm beer, and discussing how small they were in the universe. Owner Bruce Ratner tried to start his own lemonade stand, but did not have enough money to buy one of those "LEMONADE" signs with the "E"s turned backwards. VP of Marketing Brett Yormark's summer was sponsored by Coca-Cola, Coppertone, and Stiletto's on Paterson Plank Road!

Also, Vince Carter was traded to Orlando. They have cap space for two max free agents in 2010. And there's a new Russian owner. Yeah I know - YAWN!

2. What are the team’s biggest strengths?

As Michael Scott once said, "My weaknesses are actually my strengths." It is very appropriate when describing this team. The Nets have a lot of youth, and a lot of cap space. Basically, the pieces are aligning for a serious run at the top free agents in the summer of 2010. The new owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, is now the richest owner in the NBA, which could help in the future as well.

As for the roster itself, they may be set for the future at two key positions, with Brook Lopez and Devin Harris manning the center and point guard roles. Courtney Lee showed some flashes with Orlando last season, and he, along with Keyon Dooling, Chris Douglas-Roberts, and Skip To My Lou, will be asked to pick up the scoring load with the departure of Vince Carter. Terrence Williams is also getting some preseason buzz, as well.

3. What are the team’s biggest weaknesses?

Basically, the front-court is abysmal. Simmons and Hayes should do a yeoman's job handling the small forward position, but the Nets lack a true power forward. Yi Jianlian is the best one on the roster, and he shot 38% from the field, played very poor defense, and was frequently benched in favor of Ryan Anderson (a key loss in the Vince Carter trade). Josh Boone lost all confidence last season, and has become a complete liability on offense. Rounding out this horrific trio is Sean Williams, whose off-court rap sheet is growing longer by the day (which I chronicled here). This is a roster hole you can drive a truck through.

Other issues lie in areas such as the team's lack of experience and poor defense. But, basically, with so many young players on the roster, you could hit the lottery or end up back in the lottery.

Off the basketball court, the ownership change may cause some friction in the head office. Both Rod Thorn and Lawrence Frank are in the final years of their respective contracts, and the Russian may seek to replace them. This lame duck status can negatively affect the team, as it did with Byron Scott in the 2003-04 season.

4. What are the goals for this team?

The Nets need to use this season to clearly see what their assets are truly worth. Clearly, Bobby Simmons, Rafer Alston, Tony Battie, Eduardo Najera, and Trenton Hassell will not be back next year. What can Terrence Williams achieve in the league? Is Courtney Lee the starting shooting guard for the team's future? Is Yi Jianlian or Chris Douglas-Roberts worthy of a roster spot? Are Josh Boone and Sean Williams just busts, or major busts? Is there room enough to keep valuable veterans like Keyon Dooling and Jarvis Hayes around?

The way I see it, wins are an added bonus for the team this season. If the Nets go through another season and still don't know the value of their prospects, it will be a failed season.

5. So, how the hell do you get to the games?

Glad you asked! In the past, I've ranted about how the public transportation to the arena sucks. In case you don't have time to read it, here it is in a nutshell: instead of having a bus that takes you directly from New York City to the Meadowlands (as they have in previous years), they have a train that takes you from New York to Secaucus instead - which is actually taking you FURTHER AWAY from the Meadowlands. Then, you have to take a bus from there. That's New fuckin Jersey for you. But have they made any changes this year?

Well, they sure did! They instituted a rail system that takes you from the Secaucus to the Meadowlands. Which, from what I can tell, does nothing to solve the problem that YOU ARE STILL FURTHER FROM THE FUCKING MEADOWLANDS THAN YOU WOULD BE IF YOU JUST TOOK A BUS LIKE THEY USED TO HAVE! Furthermore, this rail system completely and utterly failed during a recent concert they had in U2, with many people (including myself) waiting 2 hours to get back to New York (you can read about this here and here. But, this is all for naught, as they won't be running this train during Nets games anyway. So the current situation sucks, they instituted a new solution, which sucks, and then they aren't going to use it. I'm so glad I moved out of that shitty state so my taxes don't go to utter waste like this. Instead, I now pay for governors to buy prostitutes! I can't wait for the Nets to move to Brooklyn, so people can actually get to the games.

Projected Finish: Loyal readers know I suck at predictions. So, I am not going to put much thought into this. How about...say...24-58? That do anything for you?

The Russians Have Landed

2009-09-28T21:00:00.006-04:00

Last Wednesday, the Nets were purchased by Russian billionaire and nickel-king Mikhail Prokhorov. Since then, two things have happened: I have learned to spell his name correctly without looking it up, and I have organized my thoughts on the matter by famous Simpsons quotes!

1. "I reluctantly accept your proposal." "Well everyone always does. Buy him out boys!"

I hope smashing Bruce Ratner's office is Prokhorov's first order of business. Now that the Rat "error" has come to a close, I think Nets fans are all in agreement when I say: hit the road, fuckface.

Seriously, the one thing this guy had to do was move the team eight miles and build a new stadium. And what did he accomplish? No ground was broken. None. However, that didn't stop him from running out of money and causing the team to go from perennial contender to a lottery team due to having no budget. Not only did he bring nothing to the table, he took off all the food and silverware from the table, then burned the table to the ground and pee-peed on the ashes. ASS. HOLE.

Now, I know the Rat isn't completely gone, but he's only got a 20% stake in the Nets at the moment, so he's almost out the door.

2. "Oh I get it! I get jokes!"

Hey, did you hear that the Nets' new owner is Russian? Boy, I don't know how comedy will ever been derived from that fact....Wait, people have found clever ways to make puns about having a Russian owner?

Yes, it has been less than a week, and I'm already getting sick of these poor attempts at humor. Granted, I make many awful jokes, but at least mine make you groan on a variety of topics. Now, Nets (or should I say, Nyets!) fans must prepare themselves for Soviet-based puns. If the Nets are moving at a slow pace, expect the color commentators to say they are Stalin. But, when the pace picks up, now the Nets are Russian. You'll be laughing so hard, you'll miss the game action by wiping the tears out of your eyes.

Ooh, I got one! In Soviet Russia, annoying jokes get sick of you! Get it?

3. "We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which we will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer....That is all."

Rod Thorn and Lawrence Frank are in the last years of their contracts, and, while I have no information to base this on, I have a hunch that neither one will be back. Personally, I think both have done a fine job building this team - they have young talent and plenty of cap space, so it will be a shame if they are both gone without having a chance to finish the mini-rebuilding process they embarked on in the last two seasons. But, my guess is as good as yours, so I won't delve much into who might replace them or the ramifications of losing them. I'd just be pulling that out of my ass.

4. "Well he's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy." "What's that?" "....A dinosaur."

If you read the reactions of Nets fans on the Internets (and yes, there are more of them than just me), the general reaction is positive. To sum up the general viewpoint - a rich owner means more money to lure quality free agents, which means more wins. Well, the two other richest owners are Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks and Paul Allen of the Portland Trailblazers. Do you see any rings on their fingers? How about James Dolan? In the NBA, having money does help, but it does not guarantee success. Also, there will be a huge learning curve for Prokhorov as he adjusts from managing Russian teams to American ones.

So, pencil me in as cautiously cautious. I know I ripped into Ratner, but truth be told, it still could be a lot worse than him (see Sterling, Donald). That's all I've got on this owner for now, and I'm sure I will write about him more times in the coming months. But as for now, I have to go learn the Russian curse words. Idi na xuy husesos!

Trips Through Memory Lane

2009-09-21T23:00:00.000-04:00

We're still in the dog-days of the NBA offseason. I was able to kill time with some nicknames, but we're still over a month away from tip-off. I don't feel like analyzing a trade that may not be completed about 2016, and I don't want to talk about the possibility of a scary Russian taking over the team. So, let's dig into the memory banks, and I'll kill more time talking about my favorite season: 2001-02.

As everyone is well aware, that was the franchise's best season, and also the first time I felt "rewarded" for following the team. Not "rewarded" in the physical, "here's a reversible jersey, you gullible fool!" sense, but rather on an emotional level. Following a sports team is a thankless, one-sided relationship built on subjective loyalty and vicarious emotions. I am just a customer, paying to be entertained. But, during this season, I was able to shelve this logic and enjoy the ride.

(Also, I was 17, so my hormones were making me a seething cauldron of testosterone. Since there were no girls in my life, sports became that much more important. Although, perhaps it was because sports were so important that there were no girls in my life. Whatever. Onward!)

As the Nets piled up wins that season, they gained the attention of North Jersey. Being one of the few Nets fans at my high school, people would come up and congratulate me on the team's success, as if I had anything to do with it. People I never had much conversations with would ask me how I felt about the team's recent success. It was like I just became a father. Or, more accurately, I was the father of a perpetual fuck up, and he finally got accepted into Montclair State.

There were many landmark games in that season, but I always felt the Nets turned the page in a game I was at in January, when the Nets played the Spurs and won on a last minute Kerry Kittles drive. That's when I knew this was a potential championship team. Thinking back, there are many classic moments to choose from, such as Nets-Pacers Game 5 (as chronicled already by myself here), or Game 6 of the Nets-Celtics series.

However, the one that is overlooked is Game 4 of the 2002 Eastern Semi-Finals versus the Charlotte Hornets. The Hornets were a "dark horse" team that year, with a solid scoring attack of Baron Davis, Jamal Mashburn, and David Wesley, with solid bigs in PJ Brown, Elden Campbell, and a young Jamaal Magliore. In the previous game, the Nets lost as Jason Kidd went down in a bloody heap. He collided with David Wesley, and blood streamed out of a cut above his eye. As I watched it, I felt my heart sank. How serious was this injury? Is the season over?

But, in came our hero for Game 4, with a giant band-aid over his eyebrow. This game was on Mother's Day, and my family took my grandmother to the Meadowlands racetrack (important lesson learned: while a stroke may take away your ability to walk and talk, it can't take away your love of gambling). I've been there several times, and usually they'd have TV screens with filled with racing information, and a couple tuned to whatever local sport is on (such as baseball). This time, over a third, maybe half, the TVs were switched to the Nets game. We got a table in the Pegasus restaurant area, and switched the little TV on the table to the game. During the game, the Meadowlands staff would walk by and glance at the score on our TV. I specifically remember seeing a guy peaking over the wall separating our table from the betting section to see the game. It was the first time I felt that there was a Nets "community" - not just a few die-hards like us on the internet, but a whole area of northern NJ that legitimately wanted this team to win. Or were bandwagoners. Whatever, there's room for everybody!

Thinking back, you have to cherish moments like this. I remember watching the Denver in the playoffs this year, and they would continuously show graphics pointing out that this was the furthest Denver had gone in the playoffs in 25 years. It might be another 20 years before the Nets ever see this kind of success. But, it is memories like this (and the rest of the season) which makes the money and time wasted following sports all worthwhile. I hate to admit it, but choosing to continue to follow the Nets this season was a very difficult decision. Quite frankly, I don't trust the management to use the cap space efficiently next off-season. However, each season brings new hope...remember, there's still a chance!

Gone Podcastin' Part 4

2009-09-16T21:00:00.000-04:00

Just a heads up everybody, yesterday I made my fourth appearance on the award-winning Brad Bogner Show. You can listen to it by going here. Make sure not to miss an episode by subscribing to it on iTunes.

Quick shout outs to Nets are Scorching and Ball Don't Lie for showing me the love this week.

Counting down the days to tip-off is extremely boring, so please e-mail me and Nets related questions/rants/haikus and I'll post them here for your amusement! E-mail address is on the sidebar.

Random Nets Crap - Nets Bobbleheads

2009-09-14T21:00:00.000-04:00

Boy, it has been a long-ass time since I did one of these. Time to dust off the old intro:

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!

Ah, there. So what's on the platter?

NETS BOBBLEHEADS

As opposed to Meanie Babies, bobbleheads are a classic sporting event give-away that never goes out of style. The other week at a Mets game, I received a Frankie Rodriguez Bobblehead, with a disturbing O-face pose (I'm not going to post a pic, since this is a Nets blog. You'll just have to look at slipperywhenmets.com to find it). I'm not exactly sure when these were released, but I'm assuming sometime between 2000 and 2003. I'll run through them in the order I remember them being released, starting with the player who truly defines "bobblehead"...

Stephon Marbury

By now, most basketball fans have accepted Marbury is a basket-case, but Nets fans have known this since 1999. The Marbury days were possibly the bleakest time as a Nets fan, where there was no cap space, no young prospects, and tons of injuries. There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. While this Nets season looks ominous, I definitely feel more confident about the future of the team than I did 9 years ago.

Marbury's descent into madness was only vexing in how inordinately predictable it was. The best part about Stephon Marbury's basketball career was watching the fans in Phoenix and New York talk themselves into rooting for him, just as Nets fans had done previously, and then, months later, watching their unconditional love turn into deadly venom.

By the way, the head came off of this figure years ago, I don't recall how:

I swear, this was unintentional (as I take good care of all my material possessions). But, it seems very symbolic of his future.

Oh, and he has his "Coney Island's Finest" tattoo on his bobblehead. Is that the first bobblehead with tattoos? If so, kudos to the toy designer for breaking the tattoo barrier.

Next up is Stephon Marbury's life-long friend:

Keith Van Horn

If you sift through my archives, you will find a profuse amount of words on Keith Van Horn. When I come up with a Bill Simmons-esque theory comparing Keith Van Horn to Eagle Eye Cherry, I will post it immediately. As for now, just marvel at the aesthetics of this bobblehead. When I close my eyes and think of the color white, I see this shape. A nice addition to the bobblehead (in comparison to the Stephon Marbury predecessor) is the name along the base. This way, future generations won't confuse him for other white Nets players like Boki Nachbar or Ryan Anderson.

Next up, the captain...

T.J.!

Er, uh...

Jason Kidd

You know everything I said about the Marbury Nets above? Just reverse it for the Jason Kidd Nets. Next week, I'll share my favorite Nets memory regarding Jason.

This bobblehead, however, is not one of them. Two things: they moved the ball to be in front of his jersey, so you cannot see his number; and they added a dumb little sponsor (Foot Locker). Despite this, I'll be taking much better care of this bobblehead than the two previous examples, as it might actually be worth something in 20 years. I mean, can you think of a better Nets icon to be represented in bobblehead form? Well, there is one possibility...

Sly the Silver Fox

Ah, Sly. You've gotten your own car, you're own month in a calendar, and now your own bobblehead! For a fox representing a franchise whose team name and state has no association with foxes, I'd see you've done quite well for yourself.

And, must I say, this is a sharply designed bobblehead. Yes, it does have a crappy little sponsor at the bottom. But the pose is cool, the blue uniform is snazzier than the tighty whiteys, and the silver lettering is a nice touch.

Since these four, I cannot recall more Nets bobbleheads. They had a Vince Carter one the other year, but it was a smaller one that is not in scale with classic bobbleheads (I ended up breaking that one, unfortunately). With attendance numbers sagging, I say it is time to bring back the bobbleheads! I'm sure it would get a more positive reception than that damn reversible jersey idea.

Look Who's Honoring Me Now

2009-09-10T21:00:00.001-04:00

In the past week, I've received some nice shout outs on Nets Are Scorching and Ball Don't Lie. As always, I encourage you to visit these fine gentlemen's blogs. And to all of my loyal readers who aren't honoring me...you've got some nerve!

As always, thank you for your continued support. Any feedback is greatly appreciated, so leave comments or send e-mails. See you Monday.

Me to Nets Marketing Department: "You're Welcome!"

2009-09-07T21:00:00.009-04:00

Patty: The easiest way to be popular is to leech off the popularity of others.
Selma: So we propose changing our name from "Springfield to "Seinfeld".

The Nets finished making their offseason moves on draft night, giving Nets fans nothing to discuss for over 70 days and counting. They have been coping in various ways; some have decided to go outside and get fresh air, bloggers have resorted to creating gimmick months, and still others have...shudder...watched the summer league. With interest in the team waning and season tickets moving like cold cakes, Brett Yormark unleashed this:

The Nets Reversible Jersey Ticket Plan

This became big news on August 13th. However, on August 12th, my friend Danny and I were invited to the Nets' training facility for an event that was designed to get ticket holders from last season to renew. The event began with three games:

- A trivia contest, which was a piece of cake. I'm like Rain Man when it comes to the Nets.

- Knock-out. I wanted to be knocked out immediately for two reasons: this game is overly exhausting, and there were five or six little girls in the knock-out line, meaning the potential for embarrassment was higher than normal. So I stood in front of Danny, took a half-assed free throw that ricocheted to the left and sailed past the 3-point line, and that was as far as I got in Knock-out.

- NETS, their version of HORSE. And I was money, hitting long-distance threes and shots with my eyes closed. It was down to me and the Nets employee running the show, both of us tied with two letters. Then, Danny made my opponent aware of my fatal flaw: I can't hit lay-ups. An up-and-under and a head-grabbing lay-up later, and I was eliminated. Danny summed it up best: I fulfilled every stereotype of white basketball players. I couldn't dribble or hit lay-ups, but I could hit 3s.

After shooting around, they led us inside for "Nets Make a Deal". My gambling side came out, and I turned down two good prizes to see what was behind curtain number 3. My prize? A Sly Fox key chain. Epic fail. After that, I enjoyed some refreshments and bitched about the team to my ticket representative. It was then when she first showed me this 10-game plan with the jerseys.

I have to be honest: I liked the plan, and did not foresee the controversy it would bring. I am not a jersey-wearing guy, but I did think it would be cool to get the Nets starting line-up. Plus, that's pretty much ten of the best games you could ask for as Nets fan: seeing Vince, Kidd, and RJ. I'm not that interested in seeing the Lakers, Heat, and Cavs because none of their players interest me outside of their one big star. It is always fun to play other division teams like the Celtics and Knicks, and I am interested in the young guns on the Clips. If only they added Atlanta and Golden State for Twin's and Mikki's respective returns.

But, I now see how and why people are upset about this. It is pretty ridiculous to be selling your opponents' merchandise to say the least. When I was talking to a friend about what blog articles I had lined up, I mentioned this marketing gimmick. He was not a Nets fan, but was shocked that this was a real promotion. Nets management was in complete spin control immediately after, posting on their facebook account, asking the fans about their opinion of the promotion and ideas for other incentives.

Brett Yormark is the mastermind behind this controversy. He did go to the NBA front offices for approval before launching the campaign, so clearly he knew that there was the possibility of backlash. His main argument in favor of the promotion is that the Nets cater to both Nets fans and NBA fans. To be honest, he is correct. The Nets have used other teams' stars to sell tickets as long as I can remember. One of the first Nets games I went to was against the Orlando Magic. My mom told me she would hope that Shaq or Penny was not injured so I would not be disappointed. And, it happens all across the league, as teams like the Cavs and Lakers sell out other teams' arenas.

So, I cannot reject Yormark's argument. However, I believe I have the solution:

Throw-Forward Jerseys!

(Image by GMJ of the NetsDaily forums)

So, the one side has the current Nets on the roster: Harris, Lee, The Butler, Yi, and Brook. On the other side is a potential 2010 free agent. I would go with Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, LeBron James, Carlos Boozer, and Amare Stoudemire. However, the other side has these players in Nets uniforms! Imagine LeBron showing up to an arena, and seeing nearly 20,000 fans (okay, more like 8,000) donning his potential Nets jersey. How could he not sign here?

Alternatively, the Nets could do this same promotion, but using the top prospects of the 2010 draft. The five I would use are Derrick Favors, Ed Davis, Johnny Wall, Willie Warren, and Cole Aldrich.

Is it jinxing the Nets? Maybe. Is it legal to do? Probably not. But, it would generate tons of publicity, and as Yormark knows, there's no such thing as bad publicity. So, Nets Marketing Department: You're welcome!

Nickname Month - Yi Jianlian

2009-08-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

Well, "Nickname Month" is drawing to a close. Last, but not least (ok, maybe he is least), is Yi Jianlian. Fortunately, I did not have to think of a name for him, as recent mistranslations between the American and Chinese media have dubbed him:

The Muscle Devil

The guy was rake-thin last year, so hopefully his bulkier frame will improve his game. If the Nets have any shot of being a good team next year, Yi has to live up to his potential.

Anyway, that wraps up Nickname Month - which turned out to be more taxing than I anticipated. In August, I also switched my Clark Kent job and moved into a new apartment. I'll be back to the weekly post format starting September 7th.

Nickname Month - Terrence Williams

2009-08-27T21:00:00.000-04:00

Ah, a Nets player with a clean slate. I don't watch college basketball, and I don't believe what people write in their draft reports, so I am going into Terrence Williams' rookie year with no expectations and no prejudices. But, I do have some thoughts about what we should call this guy.

I have seen him referred to a "Twill", which completely sucks. Others have called him "Thrill", but I think I can do better. What about:

Terrence-osaurus Rex!

I used to live in an apartment near the Museum of Natural History in New York City, and, believe me, dinosaurs are just as uncanny now as when you were 8 years old. But, like I said, I am open to suggestions with this guy. Let me here your thoughts!

Nickname Month - Sean Williams

2009-08-25T21:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not a fan of Sean Williams, but I love this picture. He's gotten a few nicknames by Nets fans over the years, such as "Area 51", "The Freak", or, as Nets' broadcaster Ian Eagle has tried to coin, "Le Freque Elastique". But, my money has always been with simply:

SWat!

Yes, the "SW" is capitalized, for his initials. The best part of watching this doomed experiment has been seeing his occasional blocks, which has caused me to let out an excited "SSSSWWat!" However, this guy's off the court problems will probably make this nickname useless now and in the future.

Nickname Month - Bobby Simmons

2009-08-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

A couple facts about Bobby Simmons that you need to know:

1. He is the highest paid player on the Nets
2. He is an expiring contract
3. The crowd isn't saying "Boo", they are saying "Boo-bby Simmons...sucks!"

That's a little harsh, and perhaps he may have a better season since he is playing for a new contract. But everything I saw by him last year just made me cringe. In fact, I'm breaking the rules, and NOT giving him a nickname (although most people will just refer to him as "Bobby Simmons' expiring contract").

In fact, what's with the name "Bobby" anyway? Is he eight? Is he trying to be the best "Bobby" in the NBA since Bobby Hurley (and too late, Bobby Jackson already has that mantle)? The only good thing I could come up with for being called "Bobby" is that it sounds like "Buh-Bye", which is hopefully what Nets fans will be saying to him at the end of the season. Anyway, I'm calling him "Robert Simmons" from now on.

Nickname Month - Eduardo Najera

2009-08-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

It would be easy to give Najera a Spanish nickname, but I'm not that cliche. I would like to give him a nickname about how horrible all the threes he jacked last season looked (seriously, I've seen fat guys pulled from the stands in those contests during time-outs that had better form), but I'm not that mean. Instead, I'll defer to my friend Danny, and give him the name

Nightstick

because of the beatings he delivers in the paint. So far, Najera has been a total disappointment, but here's hoping his new bad-ass nickname delivers some of the (promised) bad-ass results.

Nickname Month - Brook Lopez

2009-08-19T21:00:00.002-04:00

The Nets are full of a lot of new players, so it is tough to have a "connection" to them. Brook Lopez is currently my favorite player on the team - he has a great personality and has the immense basketball talent to back it up.

In the beginning of the season, the Yes Network has a vote for Brook Lopez's nickname, and came up with "B-Lo". Seriously? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

Brook wants his nickname to be "Thriller", since he is a huge Michael Jackson fan. I thought that was pretty cool when he talked about it back in November, but now? Everyone is suddenly a life-long Michael Jackson fan, and it seems too trendy.

In an interview with the Nets, he stated he was a huge Grant Morrison fan, so I'm going to give him a Morrison-related nickname. "The Filth"? "King Mob"? Nah...how about:

Animal Man

Yeaaaaaah. That's bad-ass.

Nickname Month - Courtney Lee

2009-08-17T21:00:00.003-04:00

In one of his mailbags, sportswriter Bill Simmons created the "Lindsey Hunter All-Stars", which is a list of male sports figures with names that sound like attractive women. I have to say, the name "Courtney Lee" sounds INSANELY hot. If you were trying to set me up with someone, the name "Courtney Lee" would get me excited, sight unseen. With this is mind, I propose the nickname:

The Hottie

for the Nets' own MISTER Courtney Lee. Any other nickname suggestions? Let me know in the comments!

Nickname Month - Jarvis Hayes

2009-08-15T21:00:00.002-04:00

I loved what Jarvis Hayes contributed to the Nets last season, basketball-wise. I also loved what he contributed to my basketball conversations, nickname-wise. A commonly accepted nickname for him is Purple Hayes. It is fairly clever, and a perfectly acceptable nickname. However, it was a bit too obvious, and, during last season, I went through two other nicknames.

One nickname I liked should definitely appeal to the geeks on the internet: Mirror Universe Vince Carter. Basically, he looks like Vince Carter if he grew a goatee. And you know what growing a goatee means? You are EVIL!

Ultimately, my friends and I settled on the nickname:

The Butler

Because, seriously, how many people do you know named "Jarvis" who aren't butlers?

Nickname Month - Trenton Hassell

2009-08-13T21:00:00.001-04:00

I have read that Trenton Hassell's teammates call him Tennessee, because, um, he's from Tennessee. That sucks. Players always give each other the worst nicknames. I mean, do you know what the players called Lucious Harris? Take a guess....give up? Lou. Really? Somehow, that had to be Byron Scott's fault. Clearly, Hot-Buttered is vastly superior.

Getting back to the player at hand: This is an easy one, and so obvious that I wish I thought of it. Dubbed by Ian Eagle in his first week with the team, Trenton Hassell instantly became known to fans as:

The Capitol

For my international readers (shout out Cambodia!), "Trenton" is not only the man's name, but also the state capitol of New Jersey. It sounds so bad-ass...almost too bad-ass for such a forgettable player.

Nickname Month - Devin Harris

2009-08-11T21:00:00.003-04:00

Devin Harris is the toughest player to think of a nickname for. He is the most talented and most popular Net player on the roster, so, therefore, the nickname has to be extra special.

I started by analyzing his name. His initials suck, so I have to rule out a play on words there. I was thinking Devine could be a possibility, but it sounds too much like a drag queen. My brother's name is also "Devin," which threw me through a loop. When I was growing up, my brother was the only person I knew named "Devin" (even spelled that way, as opposed to "Devon"). While eventually I learned of many more "Devins", none were closely associated with my life. So, it is a bit unexpected that at 23-years-old, another Devin has entered my world, on my favorite team no less! So, I thought of nicknaming him The Brother, but it sounded too esoteric (and a bit ethnic).

So, I needed to do more research on Devin Harris to come up with the right nickname. I knew he was from Milwaukee, but that only recalls images of fat white guys and that scene with Alice Cooper in Wayne's World. But, I did find out that he set the Guinness World Record for "fastest man with a basketball". Very impressive. Record Breaker is one possibility, but is clunky to say. So, how about:

Guinness

I love the idea of Devin Harris making a spectacular play, with Marv Albert saying "My goodness, my Guinness!" I'm not as sold on this one as I am with Delano and Booney Tunes. So, if you have a better nickname, let me know in the comments.

Nickname Month - Chris Douglas-Roberts

2009-08-09T21:00:00.001-04:00

Chris Douglas-Roberts, the longest name on the Nets, is a mouthful to say. The long last name does look cool spelled out on the back of his jersey, but a shorter nickname is certainly required. Fortunately, my friends and I came up with the solution last season. Follow the logic:

Chris Douglas-Roberts. The initials are CDR. Which is similar to FDR. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Hence, the cool nickname:

Delano

It is the thinking man's nickname. It is not as easy as CDR, but definitely unique, and explaining the origin of that name will get you laid.

Got any other nicknames for Delano? Let me here them in the comments.

Nickname Month - Keyon Dooling

2009-08-07T21:00:00.002-04:00

Keyon Dooling is a tough guy to come up with a nickname for. His name does not make any good rhymes ("Neon Keyon"? Pass). I've described him in an older post as the best Nets backup point guard since The General ("The Colonel"? Pass).

Stymied on this issue, I went to Keyon's wikipedia page. The wikiality revealed that he is an avid World of Warcraft fan. So, I present to you:

Keyon "Night Elf" Dooling!

I've never played World of Warcraft, so if there is a more bad-ass name that would fit Mr. Night Elf, please let me know in the comments.

Nickname Month - Josh Boone

2009-08-05T21:00:00.004-04:00

Ah, here we go. Josh Boone (seen here about to airball a free throw) is currently the longest tenured Net. Through the years (all three of them), I have bestowed upon him a plethora of silly names. I can't help it, the name "Boone" just lends itself to a nickname.

A couple sound very good, but ultimately, do not describe Josh's characteristics. The Springsteen fan in me likes "Boone to Run", but Boone looks like he's running with wet sneakers. George Thorogood fans would prefer "Bad to the Boone", but, once again, Josh's game is very soft and not the least bit intimidating. So I'm tossing these nicknames in the scrapheap, but feel free to use them in an ironic fashion.

So, what bad Boone play-on-words did I settle on?

Booney Tunes

It is a goofy name, fitting for such a goofy player. Every time he clanks a free throw, I just imagine cartoon sound effects going off. If I wasn't able to laugh at this tragic flaw, I would cry. I know I'm being a little harsh on Booney here, but believe me - I'm rooting for him to prove me wrong and earn the "Bad to the Boone" nickname. While fame, fortune, and winning are all good motivators, nothing inspires athletes more than a chance at a better nickname.

Nickname Month - Tony Battie

2009-08-03T21:00:00.002-04:00

In the second installment of Nickname Month, I am faced with another new Net - Tony Battie. This is quite a challenge. For one thing, he is probably one of the most generic centers in the NBA, with career averages of 7/5. He's not good, he's not bad, he's just...there. I would put him in my "all-generic" starting line-up, which consists of Battie, Joe Smith, Anthony Parker, Mario Elie, and Travis Best. It is no wonder why he already does not have a nickname.

The other aspect of Battie is that he is basically just an expiring contract. I highly doubt he will be with the Nets after this season, or even by the end of the season! I'm not going to get too attached to this guy.

So, for these reasons, I am not going to expend too many brain cells trying to come up with an amazing nickname. So, I am going to go back to the NBA player "free association" game my friends and I play (as demonstrated in episode one of the Brad Bogner Show). So, looking at Battie, what's the first nickname that pops into my head?

Sweet Tea

Yeah, it's corny, but I'm slowly getting used to it. I think "Sweet" can also be applied in various permutations for Battie - Sweetness, Sweet Anthony, Sweet Battie, etc.

Do you have a cooler nickname for Sweet Tea? Let me hear it in the comments.

Nickname Month - Rafer Alston

2009-08-01T21:00:00.003-04:00

Nickname Month will profile each player in alphabetical order. Therefore, Rafer Alston is the first Nets player I will analyze, even though he has yet to play a single game for the Brooklynites.

It is very challenging to come up with a NEW nickname for Alston, because, by all accounts, he is the proud owner of one of the greatest alternate monikers of all time:

Skip To My Lou

He earned this name while he was a preeminent streetballer in Queens. It refers to the way he skipped while dribbling the basketball.

This, my friends, is how you nickname someone! It is completely original, has an interesting origin, and doesn't sound too "kewl" (like Dwyane "Flash" Wade, which had to have been made up by his shoe company). So, for the first installment of Nickname Month, I have to keep Rafer's nickname untouched. And please, do not take Rafer's nickname in vain by shortening it any way, such as "S2ML" or just "Skip".

Nickname Month!

2009-07-29T21:00:00.001-04:00

Lisa: A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if they were called 'Stink Blossoms'.
Marge: I wouldn't want a dozen 'Stink Blossoms' for Valentines Day. Some candy would do just fine.
Homer: Not if they were called 'Scum Drops'.

Creating nicknames is a lost art in the NBA. Most are very lazy - using initials (KG, MJ), the first letter and part of the last name (JKidd, CWebb), or, the recent trend, initials and a number (KB24, CP3). Please. Give me "The Answer" or "Black Mamba" any day.

In the past, I have usually given Nets players my own personal nicknames. My personal favorite was Hot Buttered Lucious Harris. How did this come about? Well, Lucious Harris always hit a lot of big buckets on the Nets. And popcorn comes in big buckets at a movie theater. And my favorite type of popcorn is hot-buttered. Hence, he became Hot Buttered Lou.

Now that I have this forum to address the Nets fans, I will profile each player on the current roster, and create a new nickname for you all to use this season. I will do one player every two days, so make sure to check back frequently. The basketball offseason drags in August and September, so this will certainly help pass the time!

Arcade Fires

2009-07-28T21:00:00.000-04:00

"Cause down the shore everything's all right / You and your baby on a Saturday night / You know all my dreams come true / When I'm walking down the street with you." - Tom Waits

Like any true Jersey Boi, my summers are always peppered with weekend trips to the Shore. The Shore is a fascinating place, because it creates a bond between all New Jerseyians regardless of their ethnicity, body type, interests and hobbies, etc. Some people like swimming and the beach, others like the serene atmosphere. Currently, I love going down and being able to drink all day and eat shitty pizza at night. But, as a child, trips to Jersey Shore meant I was just a hot 3-hour car ride away from one thing: ARCADES.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for flashing lights - I do love Las Vegas and Times Square - but arcades hypnotized me as a child. A fistful of quarters meant hours of fun. My favorite time killers were the "beat-em-ups" - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, X-Men, The Simpsons, etc. I also loved games where you would win tickets for prizes (the most famous being Skee-Ball). I pop in a quarter, have fun, and then can exchange tickets for Styrofoam airplanes? Sweet deal.

But, there was a game I absolutely hated: the mechanical basketball hoops thing. What were the point of these things? Arcade games usually appeal to the human id, allowing us to revel in greed (seeing how many tickets we can earn with just one quarter) or violence (many games have plastic guns attached to them). But those mechanical basketball hoops machines? I don't have to go to an arcade to play basketball! Nevertheless, my basketball junkie side sometimes got the best of me, and I would take a turn playing. And, man, it was ALWAYS super shitty. First, you are shooting flat basketballs that have been manhandled by booger-pickers all day long. Second, the rim is usually placed about a foot from the ceiling, mean you have to have NO ARC on your shot. Third, you have a time limit, so there's no time to figure out how to shoot UP at the hoop and make it in as the ball is still moving upwards. And, to top it off, most of the time you did not earn tickets from this game. Fuck that shit.

So what does this have to do with the Nets? Well, in my latest excursion to the Shore a few weeks ago, I saw those dreaded machines. And, sure enough, the Nets now sponsored them...

...and sure enough, their machine was broken. The New Jersey Nets: proud sponsors of a dumb game with a machine that does not even work. If there is a sadder but more appropriate image than that above, please let me know.

Gone Podcastin' - Part Three

2009-07-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

After a two month hiatus, I make my triumphant return the Brad Bogner Show. Unfortunately, I was extremely hung over (as I was during the first show). Furthermore, this was done at my apartment with the air conditioner off (as it was making too much noise), so we both worked up a healthy sweat.

You can listen to the heat-induced ramblings here.

I love the picture:

Gotta Dance - Movie Review

2009-07-20T15:40:00.005-04:00

"Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese." - Florenz Ziegfeld

One night about two months ago, I was out at a bar with a couple friends. The blog was in its nascent stages, and I was running out of ideas (this is what happens when you start a Nets blog with 12 games to go in the season). Fortunately, my friend Steve of Fluxing Philosophic fame, pointed out a blurb about a documentary called Gotta Dance. Both he and I read the blurb a little too fast, and believed it to be a documentary about the Nets cheerleaders. Yes, I can definitely get behind watching beautiful women in form fitting outfits dance for 90 minutes. However, my friend Danny (of Danny Thoughts fame), pointed out the key word we missed: the Nets SENIOR Dance Team. Cue up the sad trombone. After getting over this initial flub, I figured that the concept was very unique and related to the "peripheral" world of Nets basketball that is was worth exploring. Having seen the film, I can say that it was a good decision.

The main theme of this film is in the quote above (which begins the film) - that age is all mental, and you can still have fun throughout your life. I'm sure as reviews pour in for this film, they will all mention that similar sentiment, so I do not want to spend an inordinate amount of time on it. Plus, pulling from my own life experience, I already knew that older people can still rock it. For example, my parents got divorced when I was 14 years old. Although my mom was 46 and now raising two sons by herself, she still went out to singles functions to meet new people her age, and had a significantly better dating life than I did! As embarrassing as it is to admit, it is still somewhat difficult for me to keep track of where she is at times - as she spends many weekends traveling or weeknights at the movies or with friends she met at the local Starbucks. It is difficult to imagine her slowing down as she hits her "golden years" of 65 and older. To make a tired point - and summarize the theme of the movie - age does not slow you down, it is just one more roadblock in a life full of roadblocks. With hard work and determination, anybody can blow through it.

But, there is so much more I took from this movie than the "age is nothing" theme. One thing that really struck me was how much work is put into creating the team. The movie chronicles a try-out and selection process, followed by two weeks of intensive training. All of this leads to a two-minute dance routine in the middle of a 150 minute basketball game. It seems like a lot of work for a little reward, but it pays off with fame, as the team gets noticed by major newspapers and performs on TV morning shows. But, immediately after this, it is on to learn a new routine.

I usually mock the Nets' slogan "More Than A Game", but this movie actually made me believe that. To draw from my own personal life again (yeah, don't worry, I'll continue talking about the movie - but this is MY blog, suckas), my aforementioned friend Steve took his girlfriend Lisa to a Nets game this season - his first game in a long time, her first game ever. And the Nets got crushed. I felt bad for them because they were subjected to such a horrible game. However, after seeing this movie, I can appreciate the hard work the other performers (besides the main attraction) put into creating an all-around entertainment experience. Hopefully, they will feel the same way after seeing this film and choose to go to another game. Unfortunately, I am extremely superstitious and will do everything in my power to prevent them from stepping through the front gates again.

The thing that will last with me about this film is the attention it pays to detailing each person in the film. While the bird's eye view of the movie is the "age is nothing", when you dig deeper, you can see all the persons motivations for dancing. Two of the Dancers are the grandmothers of the NETSational "younger" cheerleaders. The dancing not only is to feel young and meet new friends, but to have a unique bonding experience with their granddaughters.

There are two other personalities that got a lot of screen-time that were very fascinating. One is Betty...or should I say...Betsy. She explains the duality of her personalities. Betty is the reserved, conservative school teacher who likes to remain traditional - she even wears flats so that she does not appear taller than men. But Betsy is the wild, fashion-savvy hip-hopper, who rose to the rank of leader of the Nets Senior Dance Team. This arthritic version of Jeckyl-and-Hyde illustrated the difficulties we all face of breaking out of our normal, comfortable life to challenge ourselves. Trying something new can lead to failure, and failure can be devastating. Eventually, Betsy's confidence influenced Betty's life, and she became more outgoing and creative in her teaching, introducing hip-hop into the classroom.

Another dancer I enjoyed learning about was Peggy, pictured above. As a young woman, she was "Miss Subway", with her face on posters. Clearly, she was a looker back in her youth, and still adores the attention. Her age has not diminished her confidence, as she feels she is still a stunner. The way she talks is interesting too. I could easily characterize the other dancers, as they all sounded like my parents or grandparents - making corny jokes or being very polite. However, with Peggy, the manner-of-fact way she talked made her just sound very young.

To be fair, there are a couple of downsides. I would have loved to see more Dancers explored. Granted, there are 13 dancers, which is a lot for one film, but there were many training scenes that could have been shortened. Also, while most of the dialogue seemed authentic, there were a couple of moments (i.e. in the dinner scenes) where it seemed a little set-up - but I expect this of many documentaries.

Overall, it is definitely a film that Nets fans should check out - it will definitely give you more insight into the behind-the-scenes of the Izod Center entertainment. Documentary fans will not be disappointed, either. There is no heavy-handed political commentary (a la Michael Moore) or personality distortions to create conflict (a la The King of Kong, which is still really good and I do recommend). There are some excellent character studies and a solid, well-built theme that reaches a satisfying conclusion.

Click here to see a list of upcoming screenings of Gotta Dance.

Blast From the Past - Nets Town Hall Meeting, 2/11/08

2009-07-13T21:00:00.001-04:00

Here is a (slightly-edited) post from a Nets "Town Hall" Meeting, on 2/10/08. To set the stage: the team sucked, and Kidd wanted out. The Nets senior management (Thorn, Ratner, Brett Yormark, and newcomer Kiki Vandeweghe) held an open forum for Nets ticket holders. The meeting was held at the Nets practice facility in East Rutherford. Seeing as I bitch and moan online, I thought it would be disingenuous not to say anything to their faces when given the chance. Here is my recap. It is funny, unique moments like this that first put the idea of starting a blog into my head. More Random Nets Crap next week.

Rod Thorn mentioned 4 main topics in his "State of the Team" address.

1. His regrets about not resigning Mikki Moore. He said he wanted a "do-over". I had never heard this publicly stated before, and thought "hm, this could be interesting, maybe I'll learn something new."

2. Lawrence Frank: He supports the coach, and would fire Frank if he thought coaching was the problem with the team. The players like him and do not complain. Basically same old same old. I support Frank, so I didn't have much of an issue here. It's not Frank's fault that the team is poorly constructed.

3. Jason Kidd: Again, more of the same about not trading him for the sake of trading him, looking for the best deal. Sky is still blue, grass still green, Rod Thorn still not trading Kidd unless he gets a great offer.

4. Vince Carter: Thorn addressed that some people thought his contract was bad, and battled back using the typical pure numbers argument. Vince was the leading scorer, and the team was 0-5 without him. He did not address MY issues - that there was no market for Vince last summer, hence he was overpaid.

So they turned to the audience to ask questions. It was pretty cool, as you sat literally next to Rod Thorn, like if you went to a movie theater with him. On your right was Chris Carrino, the Nets radio voice and emcee. On your left was Thorn, followed by Bruce Ratner (owner), Kiki Vandeweghe (Rod's assistant), and Brett Yormark (head of marketing). The majority of the questions focused around the topics Thorn already addressed - i.e. Coach Frank, Jason Kidd, finding a big man, etc.

I wasn't going to ask a question until I heard a few. After the first ones were basically deep tissue massages for management (I honestly believe a few had to be planted), I figured I should go up - this is my chance to complain TO ROD - it'd be disingenuous if I go back on the Internet and complain without having the guts to saying anything to his face. So I go up there, and I must've looked really dorky - I'm a skinny white kid and my face was beat-red (I was nervous). Anyway, here's a rough transcript:

"Hey Rod. I've been a fan for a long time, and I'd be really remiss if I didn't get to ask a question. This is my first time at the Town Hall meeting, and after my question, it might be my last time. I was going to go up here and rip you about Mikki (note: this is true, I made sure to look up Mikki's and Magloire's stats before going), but you already apologized for that. And I accept your apology - everyone makes mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers.

Now...

Could I get an apology for Jamal Magloire, Jeff McInnis, Chris Childs, Ron Mercer, Scott Padgett, selling the 2004 draft pick, trading Korver for nothing..."

I trailed off, as I was trying to think of the ones I forgot (Wright over Granger, dammit!) but the crowd had already started applauding and the management was laughing. After it settled down (and I heard Ratner mumble something about selling the 04 pick - maybe not his fault? The Goldman Sachs investors? I forget how the story went), Rod went onto explain how sometimes things work, sometimes things don't, how they all looked good when it happened (I had to bite my tongue, because none of those did in my mind). Kiki added that if you aren't making mistakes, you aren't trying. I wish they would print THAT in the media guide. Chris Carrino made a joke as I went off stage, saying that security has my picture.

A couple questions later, an the angry European guy came on and ripped into the team, saying he used to take his kids to the game as a reward, now he uses it as a punishment. He left them speechless.

Overall, it wasn't anything new, but I didn't expect it to be. When your boss calls you out at work for all your mistakes, you never own up - you just bullshit and beat around the bush. This was similar. My friend thought I should've asked a more "answerable" question - but I decided to stick with something jokey, like a pie-in-the-face. If I went up there and did a "here's what I would've done with the team" and played fantasy GM, I think their eyes would've glazed over and they would've given more of the same type answers. At least now they'll remember my question.

Well, that's it. At least I remember my question. It is worth noting that after this, they traded Jason Kidd later in the week. I like to think my question was responsible for that move.

Random Nets Crap - 2005 Nets Calendar

2009-07-06T21:00:00.001-04:00

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!

(Click on images to enlarge)

2005 NETS WALL CALENDAR!

Allow me to set the scene: It is May 2004. After a tumultuous season involving a coach change, an ownership change, and the announcement of a city change, the Nets had just won a thrilling triple over-time game against the Detroit Pistons, in Detroit, to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. It was an instant classic, with huge contributions from Lucious Harris and Brian Scalabrine - the less-heralded stars of the two previous Eastern Conference Championship runs. Sadly, the Nets lost the next two games, due mainly to Jason Kidd's knee being in desperate need of microfracture surgery. The Nets went home. The Pistons went on to be champions.

And, with that, the Nets "Glory Days" were definitively over. While there will most likely be better Nets teams in the future, the teams from 2001 to 2004 have given me the stories I will bore my grandchildren to tears with. I usually begin the era with the dramatic home win against the Spurs in the beginning of 2002, and end it with the aforementioned Game 5 against Detroit.

Then came the Summer of 2004. At the time, it was a horrific sequence of events for Nets fans. Our first round pick, sold. Kerry Kittles, traded. Kenyon Martin and Lucious Harris, victims of free agency. Our team, which had just taken the eventual champions to 7 games with our best player on one leg, was a shell of itself.

Now, granted, history has shown us that the Nets moves were, for the most part, very good. Both Lucious Harris and Kerry Kittles made very little contributions in the NBA after 2004, so those moves were clear wins. Selling the 2004 draft pick, however, is indefensible. While the person drafted (Victor Khryapa) was a bust, there was still plenty of talent to be had - Kevin Martin, Delonte West, Anderson Varejao, Sasha Vujacic, and Beno Udrih just to name a few.

But, onto the big kahuna - K-Mart. Kenyon Martin is something that most people see as a smart move, given the injuries he has suffered and the enormous amount of money he was paid. Furthermore, two of the three draft picks he was traded for were parlayed into Vince Carter. I admit that letting Kenyon go was most likely the best option. But, since 2004, the Nets have had a gaping hole at power forward, and have tried nearly every summer to fill it. In the 2005 season, the Nets used a trade exemption to pick up Cliff Robinson. Then, in the summer of 2005, they pursued Shareef Abdur-Rahim. That failed, but led to the unsuccessful acquisition of Marc Jackson. In 2006, Josh Boone and Mikki Moore were recruited to try to man the four-spot. In 2007, they somehow made worse moves than the previous 2 years with Sean Williams and Jamal Magliore. In 2008, Yi Jianlian, Ryan Anderson, and Eduardo Najera were brought in to man that troublesome power forward spot. We are entering 5 A.K. (After Kenyon), and there is still nobody on the roster that resembles an acceptable starting power forward. A starting power forward is nothing to take lightly in the NBA, and that is why I still have my doubts about letting Kenyon go. Let's just play make believe for a second (it's MY blog, indulge me). Kenyon Martin has complained in the past that Denver Nuggets doctors had rushed him back from injury too soon. What if - and it is a big "what if" - the Nets doctors were better, and Kenyon had been able to make complete recoveries from his injuries? Watching Kenyon this postseason, I can't help wonder what could have been.

Needless to say, there was not a lot of enthusiasm for the team by November 2004, as (I assume) these calendars were going to print. Nenad Krstic looked too raw, Alonzo Mourning was accusing the team of trying to kill him, and free agent acquisitions like Jabari Smith, Eric Williams, Rodney Buford, and Ron Mercer were, let's say, slightly uninspiring. But, by mid-December, the unthinkable happened - the Nets acquired Vince Carter for a bag of magic beans, and the franchise was back in business!

But enough with the history, let's look at the pics and make snarky comments!

January 2005

Well, the Nets promotional department saved their best for first. When in doubt, show off The Captain. I could wax nostalgic about Jason Kidd all day (and already have), so I'll spare you all. He's the greatest Nets I've seen.

A couple notes about the calendar, not only does it provide you with your standard calendar reminders (like the day of the week and certain holidays), but also Net games, home promotions, and player birthdays. Keep this in mind as we move forward through the next 11 months.

February 2005

RJ. Here's a list of players over the last 15 years who were upset when the Nets traded them:

Richard Jefferson

That's it. Clearly, a great player that will go down in Nets lore.

According to the calendar, February 11th must have been a fun day to go to the Nets game! Not only did you get to see the Spurs, but kids also received a basketball hoop set. And then, there's the icing on the cake - it was Jacque Vaughn's 30th birthday! Let's see how they did...oh. Well, at least Vince Carter had a good game.

March 2005

TWIN! Admittedly, I have a soft spot in my heart for Twin. While he played extremely poorly in the last few seasons, he gave it his all every night. He sacrificed his body and did everything he could with his talent to help the Nets win. Tell me friend, can you ask for anything more? That being said, it shows the state of the team when Jason Collins is the third player you are showing off.

April 2005

What's this? Vince Carter? How did he get here? As you can see, he is not in a Nets jersey. This was clearly a late addition to the calendar, but I'm sure the promotional guy got some praise for pulling this off. He was acquired December 17th, and these calendars were handed out not too long after that.

May 2005

Coach Lawrence Frank. Back in 2004, everybody loved this guy, as he had the best dead coach bounce of all time. So I could see why they included him in the 2005 calendar. Flash forward to 2009, and he is the longest tenured coach in the Eastern Conference, and the all-time "winning-est" Nets coach. However, there has been a growing contingent of Nets fans who want Lawrence fired. I don't believe he has been the reason for the Nets failures the last two seasons, as the overall talent of the team has been very low. I do not think Lawrence is the best coach in the league, but there are lot of coaches who are much, much worse. I do not want the Nets to make a change for change's sake. Unfortunately, Frank is in the last year of his contract, so I doubt this story line will go away any time soon. I just hope it does not become a distraction.

June 2005

Zoran Planicic! Again, let me emphasize how depleted the Nets were going into 2005. I thought Zoran had a lot of potential, and, apparently, he has carved out a solid career overseas. It is frustrating that in the illustrious 2003 NBA Draft, Zoran is what the Nets walked away with. There was a lot of talent drafted after him, too, namely Josh Howard, Leandro Barbosa, and Mo Williams, as well as a plethora of role players. And don't mention Kyle Korver to me (but it is funny that as soon as Ed Stefanski showed up in Philadelphia, he traded Korver again).

July 2005

Sly the Fox. Yes, folks, the Nets could not get 12 players pictures to fill one calendar. And, yes, it gets worse. And, no, no Sly Mobile. But hey, I just found out Travis Best's birthday is July 12th! Party in two weeks, anybody?

August 2005

Jason Kidd. Getting a sense of deja vu? So, through 8 months, there have been 5 players, a coach, and a anthropomorphic mascot. I'm already counting the days until 2006.

September 2005

Richard Jefferson. No disguise for this double vision. Zoran's birthday is September 12th. Don't worry, just three more months.

October 2005

Team Hype? Really? OK, you could justify Sly, because he entertains the kids. You could justify cheerleaders, because they entertain horny men. But who is Team Hype hyping?

The calendar seems to be going down a slippery slope. Two more months to go, and November features my birthday, so this better be good....

November 2005

VEAL!!!! Wow, did you see this coming? That might be the dorkiest action shot to grace the pages of any wall calendar. Rodney Buford is also present in the background, which is fitting because the calendar reminds us that Buef's birthday is November 2nd. Not bad, wall calendar. You have redeemed yourself.

And finally...

December 2005

The Nets Dancers. Bingo. Sure, they all look poorly airbrushed, but it is the thought that counts.

So there you have it. The Nets marketing department, pulling out all the stops to make you forget about the last 6 months of 2004 and get all hands on deck for 2005. It was a little dicey from May to October, but overall I'd say the calendar did its job. Unfortunately, like the calendar, the events of 2005 between May and October were just as bleak in Nets land, as the Summer of 2005 was almost as much of a disaster of the Summer of 2004. But, that is a topic for another time.

Say Goodbye, It's Independence Day

2009-07-01T21:00:00.003-04:00

Now, I've taken a couple weeks off and let other people write for my blog, and people ask "Hey, you lazy bum, why don't you write more?" Well, it is the offseason, so I'm trying to space my posts out so the blog isn't dormant in August and September.

BUT, it is summer movie season! As you could tell from my previous post, I am a HUGE fan of Independence Day. My homage to it is now posted on the comic book/pop culture blog The Bad Genious. Click here to read it. If you love my trips through memory lane in Nets-land, you'll love my trip through memory lane in Movie-land.

The Bad Genious is a great blog, so I encourage you to check it out frequently!

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

2009-06-29T21:00:00.010-04:00

"Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn." - Michael Stipe

It's almost July 4th, which means I've been watching my favorite movie: Independence Day. It start's with the R.E.M. song "It's The End Of The World As We Know It", which has pretty much been the sentiment among Nets fans after last Thursday's events. The above lyric sums it up: the roster has been slashed and burned, we've returned to being the league's doormat, and everybody just has a knot in their stomachs.

I admit, on Thursday I felt the same way, too. It was tough to enjoy the draft, as I couldn't really focus, thinking about how the team would be next year. The only thing I knew for certain that would be positive about this trade was that it would give me something to write about for the blog. So I've organize my thoughts, and tried to put my honest opinions down.

1. Vince Carter. Well, I have to admit, I was never a fan of Vince Carter's game. As mention in last week's Keith Van Horn article, the late 90s gave birth to a lot of "highlight reel" stars, which are stars that were all flash, but couldn't guarantee you victories. VC, arguably, is one of them. He has not been on a team that has won more than 50 games in a season, and has never been past the second round of the playoffs. Now, that MOST LIKELY will change in Orlando, but it's still indicative of a lack of having that killer instinct (like Kobe and Duncan have).

It was always tough for me to fully embrace Vince the way others did. As a kid, my favorite players weren't Shaq or Jordan, but rather Penny Hardaway and Shawn Kemp. I liked guys who were very fast, pass-oriented, run-and-gun type players. And, clearly, Vince does not fit that mode. Another issue I had with him were the end of the game "heroics". He took too many contested jump shots, rather than driving the lane or getting other teammates involved. Granted, this strategy was not a total failure, as there were tons of times where VC was successful and produced some of the most memorable highlights of the last 5 years. Basically, having Vince Carter on your team is a lot like playing blackjack. You'll have hot streaks (as the Nets won 14 games in a row, and an Atlantic Division crown), and cold streaks (the last two seasons). In the end, if you play your cards to the best of your ability, your odds of winning are just 50/50. The Nets winning percentage since trading for Vince Carter on December 17th, 2004? 49.74%.

That being said, I'm not trying to be overly negative with Vince. Vince became a leader last year, and was clearly the best player on the team. The Nets have won 0 games without him since he joined the team (that is to say, they are 0-fer on games that Vince has missed due to injury). His lack of presence on the team will be glaring and extremely difficult to overcome. I believe the scientific term to describe the drop in talent from Vince Carter to Courtney Lee is "ginormous". All I am doing is pointing out that it is an arduous task to build a championship contending team with Vince Carter as your best player. On the Orlando Magic, Vince should only need to be the second or third best player, which will give him more success.

2. Ryan Anderson. Conversely, I am REALLY going to miss Ryan Anderson. While his numbers aren't particularly impressive, he showed some good basketball instincts - making little moves while positioning for rebounds, defending, and playing offense - that many other players take years to develop. His style of play should fit Orlando perfectly.

However, after initial vitriol on Thursday, I have accepted his departure. The reason he was thrown in and not Boon or Sean Williams was that he was on the books for 2010. Will free agents want to play with Devin Harris? Maybe. Will free agents want to play with Brook Lopez? Maybe. Will free agents want to play with Yi and get international exposure? Maybe. Will free agents wants to play with Ryan Anderson? That's probably a No. There are many more "Ryan Andersons" in the future. But, he should have a good NBA career.

In Bill Simmons' Draft Diary, he joked that Terrence Williams will be able to dress up as Star Wars characters with Brook Lopez. Ryan already beat him to the punch:

3. Courtney Lee. I don't know much about him, other than that silly mask and that missed layup in the Finals. But, he had pretty good numbers last season and is still very young. Could he break out like Devin Harris did last season? Both were role players on disappointing Finals teams that were traded for Nets icons. All I know is that Magic fans hated losing him, which brings me to my next point...

4. Magic Fans Don't Like It. It is very tough to judge any trade involving your favorite team without rose-colored glasses. My initial gut instinct was I felt the Nets needed just a little more to make it even - a future first round pick, two second round picks, etc. But, over on the Orlando Magic message boards, they felt giving up Courtney Lee was too much. Many suggested giving up JJ Redick instead. Even the Magic GM has called Vince Carter "Fool's Gold" in the past. So, perhaps it is not as lopsided as many Nets fans believe. In fact, there have been many columnists who have praised the trade as beneficial to both teams. I particularly liked this analysis by Kelly Dwyer of Ball Don't Lie.

5. It's about the championship. In high school, I finished 3rd in my graduating class. My mom told me that this is just as good as finishing 103rd, since only the top 2 students give speeches at graduation. Really, the same principle applies to the NBA. There's the NBA champion, and then there's 29 other teams.

From the Orlando Magic point-of-view, their window of opportunity is right now, so they mortgaged their young talent and cap space for a chance at the big cup. The Nets were a 34-win team for two consecutive seasons, and were stuck in that 8-14 pick lottery hell. To me, winning 40 games and missing the playoffs is more frustrating than winning 15 games and missing the playoffs. As a fan, I've seen the Nets make the playoffs. I've seen the Nets make the Finals (twice)! I want to see a championship, and clearing cap room and acquiring young talent is at least going in the right direction.

6. History repeating. This, unfortunately, isn't the first time the Nets have made moves that caused fans to throw up their arms and declare the franchise dead. Many remember the Summer of 2004, and I will go into that in detail next week. But, do you recall the outrage after draft day in 2001? When the Nets acquired Jason Kidd and Richard Jefferson for Stephon Marbury and Eddie Griffin? Surely, I cannot be serious. But, reactions were mixed at the time, and there were accusations of - get this - the owners not wanting to spend money on a winning team. Sound familiar? Read this excerpt from Peter Vecsey (found in the Joe Netsfan archives):

"Thorn views Jefferson, Collins and Pepperdine's Brandon Armstrong as roster fodder, er, assets, something the team conspicuously lacks. Especially in terms of big men who can make shots. More importantly, ownership doesn't have to overpay for veterans, particularly one at the mid-level $4.5M cap exception [...]

"Now comes word of the impending (soon as the clock strikes midnight, July 18) Sayonara to Stephon Marbury. [...] The packaging of point guards may or may not make the Nets better. But, in keeping with the grand scheme of the Garden State, it'll eventually reduce the budget and help avoid paying any luxury tax [...] Marbury has four more years left on his contract, worth $52M, while Kidd is on the clock for half that time for the relative bargain of $17.6M. [...]

"You've heard of winning at all cost. Meet the New Jersey Nets, proud practitioners of lose at no cost."

Well, here we are 8 years later, and many are writing the same on blogs and internet forums. Vecsey, obviously, looks foolish in retrospect, seeing that the Nets went on to have their best season in franchise history. How will we look at what people are saying about this trade in the future?

7. Into the Great Unknown... Honestly, I have no idea how history will look back at this. Loyal readers know I suck at predictions. If Orlando wins a ring, then they clearly will have no regrets about the trade. But, this trade raises many questions. Will Vince Carter, now 32, be able to remain healthy? Is Courtney Lee ready to break out? Will the Nets be able to sign a big name free agent with their cap space? Like the Richard Jefferson trade last summer, it cannot be evaluated until the big summer of 2010. And even if the Nets fail that summer, there is always next summer.

That's the beauty of following a sports team - it doesn't end. Nothing is permanent. The Nets will still play 82 games next year, regardless of who is and isn't on the team. Let's look at Orlando's franchise. in the early 90s, they hit the lottery - twice - and were suddenly transformed into a championship contender, making the Finals in 1995. Then, Jordan came back, Shaq left, Penny got injured, they dumped a lot of salaries, signed Tracy McGrady and Grant Hill, Hill got injured, got knocked out of the first round, lost 19 games in a row, dumped a lot of salaries, won the lottery, signed Hedo and Lewis, and, 14 years later, they were back in the NBA Finals. That franchise has had a few ups and downs, wouldn't you say so? Like the Nets, Orlando has a small but proud fanbase, and if they can stick with the team on that decade-long roller coaster ride, we should too.

As of right now, the Nets are tied for the best and worst record in the NBA. I cannot wait for the start of the season.

I Survived Thursday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (Which Will Come Off the Salary Cap in 2010)

2009-06-26T15:21:00.005-04:00

So, Nets fans are jumping off the bandwagon or David Carradining themselves left and right after Thursday's events. While it is a well-written and informative blog, Nets Daily isn't exactly the place to turn to for optimism right now. Fear not, I'll have a new post Monday, after I've had a chance to clear my thoughts and destroy my liver. Drinking eases pain, right? RIGHT?

And for the record, I said 95% of Danny's mock draft was going to be wrong. My apologies. It was only 77% wrong.

Danny Thoughts - Mock Draft

2009-06-24T11:00:00.000-04:00

Before I let Danny take the floor, I just want to note that I am on the record as being strongly against mock drafts. What you see written below may most likely be 95% wrong. But, everybody's blog has SOME draft coverage, so for you fans of the 29 loser teams looking for some ray of light, or if you are just looking to kill five minutes on the interwebs, I present to you: Danny Thoughts.

Volatility would best describe things like: 1) the NY Stock Exchange, 2) NY weather, 3) a reality television star’s “celebrity” life, and 4) the 2009 NBA Draft. All my years of being an avid NBA fan have not prepared me to encounter a draft like 2009. Besides Blake Griffin, I could make an argument for why almost every player in this draft could be taken 2-13. There are no stand-out players this year, but from what the “experts” say (ESPN, Draftexpress.com), this draft will improve the depth for most teams. Sadly, some of these teams (for example, ALL THE LOTTERY TEAMS), need a superstar, or at least a player that will contribute immediately in some basketball form.

Steven Scutti, an avid fan of good basketball and the Nets, went to Wake Forest and has a very good eye for figuring out NBA Mock Drafts. Besides a handful of promises, this mock draft is comprised of Steven and me going through each team’s roster and dissecting their needs and wants. In simpler terms, we shot darts in the dark on some of these picks because, seriously, how could you mock draft this year’s draft?! It’s practically impossible. But that’s what me and Steve have been doing since 2nd grade, making the impossible possible. Here we go!

1. LA Clippers - Blake Griffin
2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet
3. Oklahoma City Thunder - Ricky Rubio
(Editor's note: Ru-Bi-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans
5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Stephen Curry
6. Minnesota Timberwolves – Jonny Flynn
7. Golden State Warriors - Jordan Hill
8. New York Knickerbockers - Brandon Jennings
9. Toronto Raptors – James Harden
10. Milwaukee Bucks – Jrue Holliday
11. New Jersey Nets - Tyler Hansbrough
12. Charlotte Bobcats - Terrence Williams
13. Indiana Pacers – Demar Derozan
14. Phoenix Suns – Earl Clark
15. Detroit Pistons – BJ Mullens
16. Chicago Bulls – Gerald Henderson
17. Philadelphia 76ers - Ty Lawson
18. Minnesota Timberwolves – Austin Daye
19. Atlanta Hawks – Jeff Teague
20. Utah Jazz – Sam Young
21. New Orleans Hornets – Dejuan Blair
22. Dallas Mavericks – James Johnson
23. Sacramento Kings – Omri Casspi
24. Portland Trailblazers – Darren Collison
25. Oklahoma City Thunder – Chase Budinger
26. Chicago Bulls – Derrick Brown
27. Memphis Grizzlies – Eric Maynor
28. Minnesota Timberwolves – Jonas Jerebko
29. LA Lakers – Wayne Ellington
30. Cleveland Cavaliers – Taj Gibson

This has been Danny Thoughts. Drive home safely.

Random Nets Crap - Keith Van Hornet

2009-06-22T21:00:00.002-04:00

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!

KEITH VAN HORNET

(Click on images to enlarge)

There's a lot to love and be frightened about this plush little guy. His crazy bug eyes. The kick-ass yet mildly phallic stinger. The adorably intimidating limerick.

Let's just begin with a bit of background to whatever spawned this mutant transformation of the New Jersey Ute. Meanies were just one of the countless rip-offs of Beanie Babies in the late 90s and early 00s. Basically, young heterosexual boys wanted to have something cuddly to collect, but also show off how bad-ass they were. Enter Meanies - the crotch-grabbing, tobacco-spitting gangstas of the plush beanie doll industry.

The thing that generated the most buzz for Meanies was their clever takes on celebrities. Bill Clinton became BULL Clinton! Mike Tyson is...wait for it...Mike BISON! Think Allen Iverson is safe? Oh no, because here comes ALIEN Iverson!

During the 1999-00 season, The Nets teamed up with the Meanies organization for a few give-aways as well. The first one was Stephon MarBEARy, then came Mr. Van Hornet. The last one was a version of Jayson Williams called Bison Williams - clearly, the fad had died and they were not trying anymore.

Now, astute readers may be wondering: "HEY RORY! Where's the rest of them?" Well, shut the fuck up. Yes, I did attend the games with my brother and mother where Stephon Marbeary and Keith Van Hornet were given out. I do not recall getting Bison Williams - we probably did not have tickets to that game. My brother and I grabbed as many as we could, and upon returning home, but them all on eBay.

You see, from about the ages of 10 to 16, I was constantly looking for the next big collectible. The biggest trends I threw myself into were comic books, actions figures, and basketball cards. My naive mind thought that these items would basically put me on easy street. I could out-fox the system, buying these items at retail price and reselling them on the secondary market. There was some success, but what I sold was usually "re-invested" back into more of the same item. Now, I still have a ton of these "collector's items" sitting in my mom's house that, perhaps one day, I'll be able to cash in. I now have more basketball cards of coaches and general managers than I do of active players. Action figures remain untouched - but they may have some value if I have children in the future. Comic books seemed to be the best of these investments, as some can still be read and enjoyed for their artistic merits (but I no longer worry about keeping them in MINT condition).

Anyway, the Nets Meanies would fetch a decent amount of scratch on eBay - usually around $40. God knows who was buying these things, and if they still have them. My brother and I pocketed this cash, but looking back, it probably should've gone to momma to help offset the cost of, you know, TAKING US TO THE GAME. What greedy little fucks we were.

So why did this Keith Van Hornet get spared from the Internets Garage Sale? In many ways, Keith Van Hornet is a lot like his real-life counterpart: Attempts to be cool and intimidating, but fails and just looks soft and lovable.

As you know, I usually use the Random Nets Crap feature to rant about a team or a player, and I already touched on Keith Van Horn a little in a past entry. Well, Keith Van Horn is a player I am unnecessarily sentimental about. Now, since I never claimed that this site will provide objective rational commentary, I present to you:

The Shameless Keith Van Horn Apologist's Top 5 Excuses for Keith Van Horn's Career!

1. Bad Timing

In the late 90s, the NBA was in the age of the "Me-First" young star. I believe the catalyst was the ridiculous Juwon Howard contract, but young players were getting too much fame and money without having accomplished anything in the NBA. Just as an example: If somebody gave me advice on how to write, I would listen, since I'm new at blogging. But if I somebody gave me a guaranteed $80M over 6 years to write based upon what I've written so far, I wouldn't give a shit about improving. With guys like Allen Iverson, Baron Davis, Stephon Marbury, Antoine Walker, etc. rolling around with millions and a double-digit entourage, you could tell it would not bode well for a dorky, reserved guy from Utah. Furthermore, he entered into the draft in 1997, where there was one clear great player (Tim Duncan), and a large talent drop off after that. Only two all-stars were picked after Duncan. One is Chauncy Billups, who took several seasons before finding his role in the NBA. The other is Tracy McGrady, an injury maligned franchise player who has not made it past the first round. Keith Van Horn was picked behind Tim Duncan, setting up point number 2...

2. Unrealistic Expectations

Keith Van Horn will always be remembered as the player picked after Tim Duncan. With Chauncy Billups record 7th straight conference finals appearance, Keith Van Horn is starting to get lumped in with other #2 busts like Sam Bowie and Shawn Bradley. Had Van Horn declared for the draft after his Junior year, he would have been remembered as another solid player in the amazing 1996 draft. He would not have been #2 (although still most likely a lottery pick), and expectations would have immediately been lowered. Also, as mentioned before, Van Horn was another player who got too much money too fast. By his third year, he already received a 7 year, $90M contract extension. Nets management made some silly decisions back then - such as the Marbury trade and Jayson Williams' contract, and this was another one. But, when you get paid like a franchise player, you need to perform like one. Van Horn was incredibly overpaid, and expectations became unreachable.

3. Bad Teams/Teammates

This all ties into the bad timing segment, as well. In his rookie year, he excelled and showed a lot of promise. That was because he played with veteran leaders like Sam Cassell and (gulp) Jayson Williams. The next 3 years were spent with Stephon Marbury - who can destroy any team. He absolutely murdered USA basketball. And, call me crazy, but I blame him for Kevin Garnett's injury on the Celtics, too. When Jason Kidd came on board, Van Horn turned around, too. But that was just one season, and then it was back to the nuthouse with Allen Iverson in Philly. After that, he was able to be a witness to the dawning of the Isiah Thomas Knicks. From there, it was the Terry Porter led Bucks. Finally, he was able to land with Dallas, where he found a good niche as Nowitzki's back-up. Of all the coaches he has had in his career, only Byron Scott is still coaching, and Lord Byron just presided over one of the worst playoff performances ever. Overall, he certainly didn't have good luck with teammates - with his biggest role model in his formative years being Jayson Williams.

4. Injuries

In a preseason game against the Knicks, Van Horn was lighting them up, and looking like The Great White Hope that he was billed to be. But it was in this game that he sprained his right ankle. Early injuries can haunt any rookie's career (hello, Josh Boone!). If you take a look at this page, you can see it is littered with right ankle sprains.

5. Screw everybody, he had a really good career!

He was a key part in two memorable Nets teams - the 97-98 team and the 01-02 team. In the latter, he was the leading rebounder and leading scorer (for most of the year until Kenyon Martin passed him slightly in the scoring load). Being the leading scorer and rebounder for a Finals team is something many players only dream about. For his efforts on the Nets, he was pictured on Slam Magazine twice, both times praising how good the entire team was. While the center, point guard, and small forward were different on the covers, Keith Van Horn and Kerry Kittles remained. After being bumped around the league like Jimmy Jackson, he ended up in Dallas, where he added another Finals appearance (although he was injured) to his resume. He was also instrumental in getting Devin Harris to the Nets for Jason Kidd after his retirement. Throw in career averages of 16/7 and decent shooting percentages of 44/36/84, and you have yourself a very good career my friends. Had not the 4 other factors killed his love of the game, he would be in the Michael Finley-esque portion of his career - playing about 25 mins and providing veteran leadership.

You go, Keith Van Hornet! Even though it may sting, you have to keep Van Horn's memory alive!

Ed O'Bannon Update!

2009-06-17T21:00:00.000-04:00

Just scant weeks ago, I was gleefully mocking an Ed O'Bannon banner. Then, the other day, I get alerted to this nicely written piece about Ed's current career path. You should all check it out!