Saturday, August 29, 2009

Nickname Month - Yi Jianlian

Well, "Nickname Month" is drawing to a close. Last, but not least (ok, maybe he is least), is Yi Jianlian. Fortunately, I did not have to think of a name for him, as recent mistranslations between the American and Chinese media have dubbed him:

The Muscle Devil

The guy was rake-thin last year, so hopefully his bulkier frame will improve his game. If the Nets have any shot of being a good team next year, Yi has to live up to his potential.

Anyway, that wraps up Nickname Month - which turned out to be more taxing than I anticipated. In August, I also switched my Clark Kent job and moved into a new apartment. I'll be back to the weekly post format starting September 7th.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Nickname Month - Terrence Williams

Ah, a Nets player with a clean slate. I don't watch college basketball, and I don't believe what people write in their draft reports, so I am going into Terrence Williams' rookie year with no expectations and no prejudices. But, I do have some thoughts about what we should call this guy.

I have seen him referred to a "Twill", which completely sucks. Others have called him "Thrill", but I think I can do better. What about:

Terrence-osaurus Rex!

I used to live in an apartment near the Museum of Natural History in New York City, and, believe me, dinosaurs are just as uncanny now as when you were 8 years old. But, like I said, I am open to suggestions with this guy. Let me here your thoughts!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Nickname Month - Sean Williams

I'm not a fan of Sean Williams, but I love this picture. He's gotten a few nicknames by Nets fans over the years, such as "Area 51", "The Freak", or, as Nets' broadcaster Ian Eagle has tried to coin, "Le Freque Elastique". But, my money has always been with simply:


Yes, the "SW" is capitalized, for his initials. The best part of watching this doomed experiment has been seeing his occasional blocks, which has caused me to let out an excited "SSSSWWat!" However, this guy's off the court problems will probably make this nickname useless now and in the future.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Nickname Month - Bobby Simmons

A couple facts about Bobby Simmons that you need to know:

1. He is the highest paid player on the Nets
2. He is an expiring contract
3. The crowd isn't saying "Boo", they are saying "Boo-bby!"

That's a little harsh, and perhaps he may have a better season since he is playing for a new contract. But everything I saw by him last year just made me cringe. In fact, I'm breaking the rules, and NOT giving him a nickname (although most people will just refer to him as "Bobby Simmons' expiring contract").

In fact, what's with the name "Bobby" anyway? Is he eight? Is he trying to be the best "Bobby" in the NBA since Bobby Hurley (and too late, Bobby Jackson already has that mantle)? The only good thing I could come up with for being called "Bobby" is that it sounds like "Buh-Bye", which is hopefully what Nets fans will be saying to him at the end of the season. Anyway, I'm calling him "Robert Simmons" from now on.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Nickname Month - Eduardo Najera

It would be easy to give Najera a Spanish nickname, but I'm not that cliche. I would like to give him a nickname about how horrible all the threes he jacked last season looked (seriously, I've seen fat guys pulled from the stands in those contests during time-outs that had better form), but I'm not that mean. Instead, I'll defer to my friend Danny, and give him the name


because of the beatings he delivers in the paint. So far, Najera has been a total disappointment, but here's hoping his new bad-ass nickname delivers some of the (promised) bad-ass results.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Nickname Month - Brook Lopez

The Nets are full of a lot of new players, so it is tough to have a "connection" to them. Brook Lopez is currently my favorite player on the team - he has a great personality and has the immense basketball talent to back it up.

In the beginning of the season, the Yes Network has a vote for Brook Lopez's nickname, and came up with "B-Lo". Seriously? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

Brook wants his nickname to be "Thriller", since he is a huge Michael Jackson fan. I thought that was pretty cool when he talked about it back in November, but now? Everyone is suddenly a life-long Michael Jackson fan, and it seems too trendy.

In an interview with the Nets, he stated he was a huge Grant Morrison fan, so I'm going to give him a Morrison-related nickname. "The Filth"? "King Mob"? about:

Animal Man

Yeaaaaaah. That's bad-ass.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Nickname Month - Courtney Lee

In one of his mailbags, sportswriter Bill Simmons created the "Lindsey Hunter All-Stars", which is a list of male sports figures with names that sound like attractive women. I have to say, the name "Courtney Lee" sounds INSANELY hot. If you were trying to set me up with someone, the name "Courtney Lee" would get me excited, sight unseen. With this is mind, I propose the nickname:

The Hottie

for the Nets' own MISTER Courtney Lee. Any other nickname suggestions? Let me know in the comments!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Nickname Month - Jarvis Hayes

I loved what Jarvis Hayes contributed to the Nets last season, basketball-wise. I also loved what he contributed to my basketball conversations, nickname-wise. A commonly accepted nickname for him is Purple Hayes. It is fairly clever, and a perfectly acceptable nickname. However, it was a bit too obvious, and, during last season, I went through two other nicknames.

One nickname I liked should definitely appeal to the geeks on the internet: Mirror Universe Vince Carter. Basically, he looks like Vince Carter if he grew a goatee. And you know what growing a goatee means? You are EVIL!

Ultimately, my friends and I settled on the nickname:

The Butler

Because, seriously, how many people do you know named "Jarvis" who aren't butlers?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Nickname Month - Trenton Hassell

I have read that Trenton Hassell's teammates call him Tennessee, because, um, he's from Tennessee. That sucks. Players always give each other the worst nicknames. I mean, do you know what the players called Lucious Harris? Take a guess....give up? Lou. Really? Somehow, that had to be Byron Scott's fault. Clearly, Hot-Buttered is vastly superior.

Getting back to the player at hand: This is an easy one, and so obvious that I wish I thought of it. Dubbed by Ian Eagle in his first week with the team, Trenton Hassell instantly became known to fans as:

The Capitol

For my international readers (shout out Cambodia!), "Trenton" is not only the man's name, but also the state capitol of New Jersey. It sounds so bad-ass...almost too bad-ass for such a forgettable player.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Nickname Month - Devin Harris

Devin Harris is the toughest player to think of a nickname for. He is the most talented and most popular Net player on the roster, so, therefore, the nickname has to be extra special.

I started by analyzing his name. His initials suck, so I have to rule out a play on words there. I was thinking Devine could be a possibility, but it sounds too much like a drag queen. My brother's name is also "Devin," which threw me through a loop. When I was growing up, my brother was the only person I knew named "Devin" (even spelled that way, as opposed to "Devon"). While eventually I learned of many more "Devins", none were closely associated with my life. So, it is a bit unexpected that at 23-years-old, another Devin has entered my world, on my favorite team no less! So, I thought of nicknaming him The Brother, but it sounded too esoteric (and a bit ethnic).

So, I needed to do more research on Devin Harris to come up with the right nickname. I knew he was from Milwaukee, but that only recalls images of fat white guys and that scene with Alice Cooper in Wayne's World. But, I did find out that he set the Guinness World Record for "fastest man with a basketball". Very impressive. Record Breaker is one possibility, but is clunky to say. So, how about:


I love the idea of Devin Harris making a spectacular play, with Marv Albert saying "My goodness, my Guinness!" I'm not as sold on this one as I am with Delano and Booney Tunes. So, if you have a better nickname, let me know in the comments.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Nickname Month - Chris Douglas-Roberts

Chris Douglas-Roberts, the longest name on the Nets, is a mouthful to say. The long last name does look cool spelled out on the back of his jersey, but a shorter nickname is certainly required. Fortunately, my friends and I came up with the solution last season. Follow the logic:

Chris Douglas-Roberts. The initials are CDR. Which is similar to FDR. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Hence, the cool nickname:


It is the thinking man's nickname. It is not as easy as CDR, but definitely unique, and explaining the origin of that name will get you laid.

Got any other nicknames for Delano? Let me here them in the comments.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Nickname Month - Keyon Dooling

Keyon Dooling is a tough guy to come up with a nickname for. His name does not make any good rhymes ("Neon Keyon"? Pass). I've described him in an older post as the best Nets backup point guard since The General ("The Colonel"? Pass).

Stymied on this issue, I went to Keyon's wikipedia page. The wikiality revealed that he is an avid World of Warcraft fan. So, I present to you:

Keyon "Night Elf" Dooling!

I've never played World of Warcraft, so if there is a more bad-ass name that would fit Mr. Night Elf, please let me know in the comments.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Nickname Month - Josh Boone

Ah, here we go. Josh Boone (seen here about to airball a free throw) is currently the longest tenured Net. Through the years (all three of them), I have bestowed upon him a plethora of silly names. I can't help it, the name "Boone" just lends itself to a nickname.

A couple sound very good, but ultimately, do not describe Josh's characteristics. The Springsteen fan in me likes "Boone to Run", but Boone looks like he's running with wet sneakers. George Thorogood fans would prefer "Bad to the Boone", but, once again, Josh's game is very soft and not the least bit intimidating. So I'm tossing these nicknames in the scrapheap, but feel free to use them in an ironic fashion.

So, what bad Boone play-on-words did I settle on?

Booney Tunes

It is a goofy name, fitting for such a goofy player. Every time he clanks a free throw, I just imagine cartoon sound effects going off. If I wasn't able to laugh at this tragic flaw, I would cry. I know I'm being a little harsh on Booney here, but believe me - I'm rooting for him to prove me wrong and earn the "Bad to the Boone" nickname. While fame, fortune, and winning are all good motivators, nothing inspires athletes more than a chance at a better nickname.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Nickname Month - Tony Battie

In the second installment of Nickname Month, I am faced with another new Net - Tony Battie. This is quite a challenge. For one thing, he is probably one of the most generic centers in the NBA, with career averages of 7/5. He's not good, he's not bad, he's just...there. I would put him in my "all-generic" starting line-up, which consists of Battie, Joe Smith, Anthony Parker, Mario Elie, and Travis Best. It is no wonder why he already does not have a nickname.

The other aspect of Battie is that he is basically just an expiring contract. I highly doubt he will be with the Nets after this season, or even by the end of the season! I'm not going to get too attached to this guy.

So, for these reasons, I am not going to expend too many brain cells trying to come up with an amazing nickname. So, I am going to go back to the NBA player "free association" game my friends and I play (as demonstrated in episode one of the Brad Bogner Show). So, looking at Battie, what's the first nickname that pops into my head?

Sweet Tea

Yeah, it's corny, but I'm slowly getting used to it. I think "Sweet" can also be applied in various permutations for Battie - Sweetness, Sweet Anthony, Sweet Battie, etc.

Do you have a cooler nickname for Sweet Tea? Let me hear it in the comments.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nickname Month - Rafer Alston

Nickname Month will profile each player in alphabetical order. Therefore, Rafer Alston is the first Nets player I will analyze, even though he has yet to play a single game for the Brooklynites.

It is very challenging to come up with a NEW nickname for Alston, because, by all accounts, he is the proud owner of one of the greatest alternate monikers of all time:

Skip To My Lou

He earned this name while he was a preeminent streetballer in Queens. It refers to the way he skipped while dribbling the basketball.

This, my friends, is how you nickname someone! It is completely original, has an interesting origin, and doesn't sound too "kewl" (like Dwyane "Flash" Wade, which had to have been made up by his shoe company). So, for the first installment of Nickname Month, I have to keep Rafer's nickname untouched. And please, do not take Rafer's nickname in vain by shortening it any way, such as "S2ML" or just "Skip".